(Closed) Conflict: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: What to do?

    Stand your ground on the small rehearsal dinner

    Let FMIL do what she wants

    Suggest a compromise in the comments

  • Post # 2
    Member
    13646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I think that if she’s hosting the rehearsal dinner, it’s her call to organize and plan it the way she wants to. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I think you’re going to have to swallow a big pill on this one and just let her do what she wants. She’s paying for it. If it’s not important to you personally, then why are you worried about it? In her mind, she’s not wasting the money. She’s getting a party that she’s paying for the night before your wedding. I think you answered your own question with your last paragraph

    Despite all that, at the same time I think I just need to let it go. It’s not really a big deal. It’s not the actual wedding. If she wants to put on a big meal and invite a bunch of people, I should just let her. It clearly is making her happy and is important to her to fill this role, and I know she’s doing it because she’s excited and wants to contribute.

    Let her do what she wants! It’ll make your future relationship with her that much easier.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1304 posts
    Bumble bee

    I disagree with preivous posters. I would ask your Fiance to talk to her about. There’s no reason to hold essentially a pre-wedding (if its 75% of your guest list with decorations, etc).

    If you don’t have a bridal party, do you even need a rehersal dinner? Why not ask her to hold the post-wedding brunch instead of the rehersal?

    Post # 6
    Member
    4314 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If she’s hosting, she gets to decide what kind of party it is, and that includes venue, decor, etc. You wouldn’t be ok if she tried to dictate your wedding decor etc since you’re  paying, so don’t do that to her. 

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    4625 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    The type of rehearsal dinner she’s suggesting is really common in my family/friend circle. Since she’s the host and fine with paying for all of those guests, I would let her do it the way she’d like. My commute to work is an hour, so I don’t think that’s a long drive at all, especially if you can make going to yummy places a date night!

    Post # 8
    Member
    2076 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Those who pay have the final say.  She is hosting/paying for the Rehearsal Dinner so she has the right to plan it the way she wants.  If you and your Fiance are not happy with what she is planning, decline her money and host it yourself.  But just know that if you say “thanks, but no thanks” drama could insue.  So at this point you need to decide what is more important and what you are willing to compromise on.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1316 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    somethingbee:  We had the same exact problem with my in-laws which is why we decided to host the dinner/luncheon ourselves. We wanted complete control over the guest list and issues with the guest list turned into differences of opinion in catering and decorations and everything. It was 100% the right decision in our situation but the in laws were definitely upset that “we wouldn’t allow them to host something for their family”.

    It created a big rift throughout the planning (even though there are lots of issues with the in laws, and there would have been problems regardless), so my advice is just to tread carefully. If they are paying, they do get final say on the details. If you decide you’d rather pay, make sure you can find something else for them to contribute to so they don’t feel left out. If you contributed part of the cost, perhaps you can have more say on the decisions.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1316 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    somethingbee:  Oh and I just wanted to add my sympahty to her line of saying she wants it to be something you’ll like – but she actually has paid no attention to what you really want and whyyy. I know it’s frustrating. Best of luck!

    Post # 12
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee

    Why not do both, if you can afford it? You and your FH can host the small rehearsal brunch you originally planned, and your Future Mother-In-Law can host the big dinner (minus the rehearsal) that she wants.

    Post # 13
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    If you don’t feel comfortable about it, then you should go with what you and your Fiance feel is right. It may be tradition, but if you want her making all of those choices by herself  maybe you should stick to your original plan and pay for a smaller reception like you want.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2239 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    somethingbee:  We had a similar issue. DH and I really, really wanted to have our rehearsal dinner at my uncle’s house – he lives in this beautiful brownstone on one of the best streets in our city, and has a gorgeous patio. We knew it was perfect. But Future Mother-In-Law wanted to invite all our Out of Town guests, which would have been like 75 people (in addition to the 28 or so that we had to invite – bridal party, immediate family, grandparents, officiant and reader + dates). There was no way we would be able to fit everyone at my uncle’s. Future Mother-In-Law was really pushing to include everyone from Out of Town though, so we compromised on a Welcome Party at a bar/restaurant near my uncle’s house. After the dinner, we went there and had a good time with everyone who was in town. I don’t know if you could budget for something like this (ours wasn’t cheap, but I’m sure you could do something similar at a casual place or just in someone’s backyard), but it may appease Future Mother-In-Law and make you happy!

    Post # 15
    Member
    5867 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    If your Mother-In-Law is hosting, it’s her party.  Her party, her call.  She’s made it clear what she wants to do, just go with it.

    The topic ‘Conflict: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner’ is closed to new replies.

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