(Closed) Conflicted

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

charismacharm:  If your religion is important to you, I suggest you need to have a heart to heart with your parents. They need to know that the alternative to having a Christian ceremony is the two of you eloping.

Perhaps they would be less embarassed if you had a small immediate family only ceremony and a larger reception?  Unfortunately some people, like your parents, never do outgrow the need to receive approval from their social circle.

Post # 3
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

charismacharm:  As a converted Christian myself (but not from a Hindu background), if my parents had insisted on a non-Christian wedding, I would have politely declined their offer. Even if that meant having a smaller and cheaper wedding. I think that for you, it is not to late to decline their money and make alternate plans.

Remember you do not have to elope or have a private wedding. There is a lot of space between the big ballroom wedding, and the private elopement. e.g. you could have a comparatively simple wedding with 40-50 of your closest family and friends.

Post # 4
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think your faith and vows between each other should trump the fancy party. 

Post # 5
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

The whole Pay Equals Say thing drives me nuts, but the truth is, you have to deal with it if you’re getting money from your parents.

Decline the money and elope.

Post # 6
130 posts
Blushing bee

Decline the money and have the wedding of YOUR dreams. It’s not worth taking the money if you and Fiance are unhappy.

Post # 7
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

charismacharm:  in some ways, I am sure you will regret a smaller wedding without all the bells and whistles. I am also sure you will regret a large wedding with all details totally controlled by your parents, a lot of pressure on you to hide your true identity so their friends are not offended, and a non-meaningful ceremony! I vote for elopement. This is your wedding, not your parents’ friends’! It’s one thing to have to compromise with your mom on the color of the chairs, but when your parents are asking you to compromise your religious beliefs… Unacceptable. So I vote elope!

Post # 8
2383 posts
Buzzing bee

Will your parent’s choice be a Hindu ceremony or a totally non-religious ceremony? 

If you were to have a non-religious ceremony and reception at their expense, would you and your fiancé be uncomfortable having your “real” Christian wedding the day after the big public non-religious wedding hosted by your parents?

Your second wedding could be either a “blessing” or your actual marriage ceremony, according to how you choreographed the two events.

You could either choose to discuss your plan with your immediate family or not.

Granted, the easier solution is to pay for the whole event yourselves, but I’m thinking that your parents might object strenuously to that as well.

On the subject of weddings, I’m all for conciliatory decision making, obviously.

I should also add that yes, your parents are totally in the wrong, but they are, and will always be, your parents.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  ann.reid.9277.
Post # 10
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I would simply decline the money and do what you want.

The alternative would be to have a small, intimate church ceremony the day before the reception, and then to have… well, not quite a vow renewal, but some readings and things and a mini ceremony the next day, when you have your big wedding.

Post # 11
9814 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

charismacharm:  I agree. Why dont you just let go and go with the flow to keep the peace with your family. Cancelling the wedding Im sure would call major fall out. Hell, let them pick it all right down to the chiavari chairs. Letting go of your own expectations and being amicible about it all will make this time so much less stressful. Choose your battles- and youre more likely to win them if youre not sticking your heels in the mud about every little detail.

Have a wedding that focuses on universal themes of marriage- love, faithfulness, truth, service to each other etc. Then the next day, work out maybe a little ritual or blessing with a priest/pastor at your church. Pray together, read scripture, get a blessing. I could end up being even more meaningful then the ceremony. Then go on your honeymoon feeling sanctified.

Throw an anniversary party down the line that is precisely how you want it. The path of least resistance! Take it!

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