Post # 1
I understand that my parents have offered to pay for my wedding and when someone is helping you graciously, you kind of lose the right to be picky. However, the things that my parents are making us do under their conditions are causing my fiance and I great unrest and making our wedding seem de-personalized and done for the pleasures of our guests rather than us. My parents are Hindu, though they have adapted well to American culture. They have agreed to let me do a Western-style wedding but one one condition- that it is not Christian. There was some disconnect. I posted a few days ago, naively, thinking they would be okay with this but apparently they are not. Their reason is what gets me. They are ashamed that I am a converted Christian and do not want this to get out to friends and family. They don’t want thier friends to know that their daughter is converted in addition to not marrying a Hindu. So, they want to hide Christianity from the ceremony. They agreed to have a officiant who is a minister but do not want him to mention God or anything from the Bible, things that are very important to my fiance and I. I have been a Christian for 4 years and have met and connected deeply with my fiance through our faith. Excluding it from the ceremony seems absurd. I fully understand that they are paying for the wedding, but I can’t fight with them about how many tiers for our cake, dj or band, color of chivari chairs. These are all legitimate arguments we’ve had. It truly seems like they are offering to pay as long as the littlest details are their way.
Additionally, their argument for doing things is not because they don’t agree with it but because their friends will not. I understand I have guests I need to consider however this is our wedding and our memories. I cannot force them to do what I want them to do with their kind donation. But.. I can elope. I am venting and kind of talking to myself but how much do you think I’ll regret having a smaller, more intimate ceremony rather than a lavish ballroom reception? I will miss out on the local family friends and my parents will lose thier deposit but I don’t want to look back and regret not having our faith intertwined in our vows. I think I am being selfish but at the same time, I wished I refused their money in the first place. Idk
Ps. My dad also told me I couldn’t do a garter toss because garter tosses are for whores and my friends are bitches for suggesting it. I wasn’t even planning on it! But yeah, that really makes me want to listen. GRR
Post # 2
charismacharm: If your religion is important to you, I suggest you need to have a heart to heart with your parents. They need to know that the alternative to having a Christian ceremony is the two of you eloping.
Perhaps they would be less embarassed if you had a small immediate family only ceremony and a larger reception? Unfortunately some people, like your parents, never do outgrow the need to receive approval from their social circle.
Post # 3
charismacharm: As a converted Christian myself (but not from a Hindu background), if my parents had insisted on a non-Christian wedding, I would have politely declined their offer. Even if that meant having a smaller and cheaper wedding. I think that for you, it is not to late to decline their money and make alternate plans.
Remember you do not have to elope or have a private wedding. There is a lot of space between the big ballroom wedding, and the private elopement. e.g. you could have a comparatively simple wedding with 40-50 of your closest family and friends.
Post # 4
I think your faith and vows between each other should trump the fancy party.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
The whole Pay Equals Say thing drives me nuts, but the truth is, you have to deal with it if you’re getting money from your parents.
Decline the money and elope.
Post # 6
Decline the money and have the wedding of YOUR dreams. It’s not worth taking the money if you and FI are unhappy.
Post # 7
charismacharm: in some ways, I am sure you will regret a smaller wedding without all the bells and whistles. I am also sure you will regret a large wedding with all details totally controlled by your parents, a lot of pressure on you to hide your true identity so their friends are not offended, and a non-meaningful ceremony! I vote for elopement. This is your wedding, not your parents’ friends’! It’s one thing to have to compromise with your mom on the color of the chairs, but when your parents are asking you to compromise your religious beliefs… Unacceptable. So I vote elope!
Post # 8
Will your parent’s choice be a Hindu ceremony or a totally non-religious ceremony?
If you were to have a non-religious ceremony and reception at their expense, would you and your fiancé be uncomfortable having your “real” Christian wedding the day after the big public non-religious wedding hosted by your parents?
Your second wedding could be either a “blessing” or your actual marriage ceremony, according to how you choreographed the two events.
You could either choose to discuss your plan with your immediate family or not.
Granted, the easier solution is to pay for the whole event yourselves, but I’m thinking that your parents might object strenuously to that as well.
On the subject of weddings, I’m all for conciliatory decision making, obviously.
I should also add that yes, your parents are totally in the wrong, but they are, and will always be, your parents.
Post # 9
ann.reid.9277: Which is very nice! I welcome problem solving and compromise ideas 🙂
Post # 10
I would simply decline the money and do what you want.
The alternative would be to have a small, intimate church ceremony the day before the reception, and then to have… well, not quite a vow renewal, but some readings and things and a mini ceremony the next day, when you have your big wedding.
Post # 11
charismacharm: I agree. Why dont you just let go and go with the flow to keep the peace with your family. Cancelling the wedding Im sure would call major fall out. Hell, let them pick it all right down to the chiavari chairs. Letting go of your own expectations and being amicible about it all will make this time so much less stressful. Choose your battles- and youre more likely to win them if youre not sticking your heels in the mud about every little detail.
Have a wedding that focuses on universal themes of marriage- love, faithfulness, truth, service to each other etc. Then the next day, work out maybe a little ritual or blessing with a priest/pastor at your church. Pray together, read scripture, get a blessing. I could end up being even more meaningful then the ceremony. Then go on your honeymoon feeling sanctified.
Throw an anniversary party down the line that is precisely how you want it. The path of least resistance! Take it!
Post # 12
MrsBuesleBee: I really love your suggestion MrsBuestleBee. Before the rehearsal lunch, yes I’m having a rehearsal lunch instead of dinner just to please them, I will plan a church meeting with just my pastor, my fiance and I.