Post # 1
A bit of warning, this is going to get a little graphic, but I really do need some advise, I have no where else to turn to because I want to work out and don’t feel like bringing our friends and family into it would be productive.
My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 7 years and have an almost 2 year old son. Now I’ve always been the kind of person who just never really believed in marriage. That’s just who I am. He knew that and understood that. That being said, I had lately been considering maybe getting married. That is until I found the dozens of explicit email messages sent and recieved through none other than craigslist. I mean they were so raunchy they make porn look downright tame. They were also to cross dressers and transsexuals asking them to “spread their a**p*s*y”. In the last instance he actually went to one of their residences and sat in his truck for almost 30 minutes waiting for this person to meet him. I know they didnt because he never got a response and left.
Now you should know that in all the time we’ve been together I had never even felt the urge to spy. I just didnt have a reason to, but for some reason last week my gut just told me to look and I tried to put the feeling away, but I couldn’t ignore it. So I did and that’s when I found them. I don’t think I was processing what I was seeing at first. For a minute I thought he maybe had someone else’s phone. In short it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When I confronted him about the first thing he did was act like he didnt know what I was talking about. Followed by telling me that of course he left them there because he wanted me to find them he said “do you think I’m that stupid that I would just leave them there” and I told him I thought he didnt think he’d get caught. He then started apologizing and telling me all the things he knew I wanted to hear.
After about 2 hours of me grilling him as to why, how and when? He told me that it wasn’t cheating because he never did anything. To me it is most definitely cheating, I mean he even went to someone’s house to try and do stuff with them, that’s cheating. On top of me now thinking he’s gay.
It’s been over week now and I made the decision to try to work it out with him. It’s been a really hard week because I just cant seem to stop thinking about those messages. They are burned into my brain and so is the cloud number he used to hide his activity.
I do really want to work it out with him because despite all of it and how hurt and betrayed I feel I do really love him and we do have a child together. I just don’t know where to start, forgiving him right now just seems so dumb somehow and I don’t know why.
I would appreciate the advise because I’m just not seeing things clearly and I know that.
Post # 2
I think you should start by finding a counselor to talk through things with. This is the rest of your life that you’re facing and you need to make sure you’ve truly moved beyond it if you choose to get married, or to decide that this is something you can’t move beyond if you don’t. You need an independent party that you can explain all of your feelings to without judgment to process the situation. Best of luck!
Post # 3
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
I think you should start by getting screened for S T Ds. Sorry but you have no clue whether or not he’s already been physical with other people. You know about one instance where the person didn’t show for a meeting. Do you honestly trust him enough to believe that this was the only occurrence where he went looking for sex? After he continued to lie once caught? Not a risk worth taking.
At the very least this man is attracted to other men or possibly bisexual. Which would be perfectly fine if you knew that up front. I’m guessing you didn’t. So if you feel like you can get over this plus the betrayal and get back to a happy place with this individual then by all means give therapy a try. Personally, it would be over for me. But I wish you luck.
Post # 4
thatgirl888 : Wow I am so sorry you’re dealing with this! Of course you can’t get the messages out of your head, that is completely normal! How can you possibly even try to move on from this when your cheating partner won’t even acknowledge he was unfaithful? Where did you leave things with him? Is there a plan in place to attempt to reestablish trust?
Obviously he *did* cheat. People might send messages just “for fun” but they don’t make plans to meet in person — and then follow through and show up! — unless they’re looking for sex. Guaranteed he would have had sex with that person if he wasn’t stood up. Would you still be trying to work things out if he’d actually had sex with one of these people? You need to approach it from that perspective because he did everything possible to make that happen and would have physically cheated on you given the chance. Also he may still have… people normally have multiple craigslist accounts, are you sure you’ve found everything there is to find?
You said you don’t want to involve friends or family but I strongly encourage you to at least discuss this with a therapist. And personally I would also discuss it with your closest friend so you can have some support and not be hiding something so monumental. That’s not healthy. Are you avoiding telling a friend because you know they’ll advise you leave him?
I think long term relationships *can* survive infidelity, but I’m not sure yours should. The situation is complicated by his continued deception. Have you asked him about being gay? There is a fetish where mostly-straight men want sex with women who have penises. It’s not that uncommon so I wouldn’t automatically assume your boyfriend is gay, but at the very least he needs to own up to his fetish and be honest with you, for a change. Without honesty and full transparency your relationship has no hope of surviving this.
If you’re determined to stay with him, you need to set down concrete steps to begin restoring the trust he has broken. These should include therapy and full access to all of his devices. You also need to look at protecting yourself financially… are you financially dependant on him?
Post # 4
Get yourself tested for STDs/Is.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
arosebyanyothername : this was my advice, not sure why the comment disappeared.
OP Im sorry but you have no idea how long this has been going on or how many of these meetings went on before he got caught. If you can manage to get past the betrayal of cheating plus this person clearly having an attraction to the same sex then good luck with therapy. This is a bit too much for me. You caught him, he didn’t confess out of remorse. Huge difference. And even when you caught him red handed he tried to bs and excuse his way out of things. Do you honestly think that meeting was the only one that occurred? Not worth the risk. Get tested please.
Post # 6
I can’t understand working this out. This is a little off the deep end and he’s not even being forthcoming about it even though he got caught. I think you’re wanting to stay because you’ve been together a while and have a kid but come on bee, the writing is on the wall. I don’t see this lasting without him doing it again, you resenting him, or him ending things to pursue whatever it is he’s missing or all three. Get thee to counseling ASAP. I’d be out.
Post # 7
Uuuhhh I’m sorry, but what was his reasoning behind wanting you to see the messages? That just sounds really stupid
Post # 8
i would not be able to trust him, hes been living a double life. time to wonder if its worth your effort or not.
personally ide feel betrayed and and lied to. i could forgive but ide move on with my own life without him as my partner
Post # 9
Thanks everyone for the advise. For the moment he has been forthcoming as to all his accounts and I have searched them. There’s too much. Therapy is a huge part of the plan. For now I’m busy being upset and heartbroken. I’m in a place I’ve never really been before. I’ve been cheated on and honestly I would rather him just have sex with them then drag it out. I have made him get tested. Literally the first thing on my mind and I’m not kidding myself. I know that just because he didnt do it with this last person doesn’t mean he didnt do it before.
It’s hard to just call it quits after everything, but I am willing to give it a chance. But that’s it. Everyone that knows me, him included, knows I give everyone one chance to make things right and if it does nothing I move on with my life. I have zero problems cutting people out of my life. Obviously cant cut him out 100% (child).
Thanks everyone it does help to be able to talk about it
Post # 10
If he is struggling with his sexual identity, this is about so much more than your forgiveness. It’s more important that the two of you figure out how to co-parent your child and that both of you get some therapy than that you decide you’re willing to magnanimously forgive him these multiple transgressions and “work things out.” If he’s struggling with something (and possibly gay or needing to explore), wouldn’t you want to know that before you spend more of your life with him trying to make a traditional relationship work?
Post # 11
You need to get tested too, not just him.
Post # 12
I agree about you getting tested. He could be clean, but a carrier. He could pass something to you without actually contracting it himself.
Post # 13
TwilightRarity : thanks for the advise but, if he’s gay then he’s gay. I’m not forgiving him for his sexuality. I shouldn’t have to and he shouldn’t feel like he needs to be forgiven for that. What I am having trouble forgiving is his betrayal. Those are two very different things.
We are currently in the process of finding a therapist because, yes we both need to figure out what is next and whether there is a future or not. And with both our judgements clouded we need an impartial third party to help.