Conflicted

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
13464 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should start by finding a counselor to talk through things with. This is the rest of your life that you’re facing and you need to make sure you’ve truly moved beyond it if you choose to get married, or to decide that this is something you can’t move beyond if you don’t.  You need an independent party that you can explain all of your feelings to without judgment to process the situation.  Best of luck!

Post # 3
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

I think you should start by getting screened for S T Ds. Sorry but you have no clue whether or not he’s already been physical with other people. You know about one instance where the person didn’t show for a meeting. Do you honestly trust him enough to believe that this was the only occurrence where he went looking for sex? After he continued to lie once caught? Not a risk worth taking.

At the very least this man is attracted to other men or possibly bisexual. Which would be perfectly fine if you knew that up front. I’m guessing you didn’t. So if you feel like you can get over this plus the betrayal and get back to a happy place with this individual then by all means give therapy a try. Personally, it would be over for me. But I wish you luck.

 

Post # 4
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

thatgirl888 :  Wow I am so sorry you’re dealing with this! Of course you can’t get the messages out of your head, that is completely normal! How can you possibly even try to move on from this when your cheating partner won’t even acknowledge he was unfaithful? Where did you leave things with him? Is there a plan in place to attempt to reestablish trust?

Obviously he *did* cheat. People might send messages just “for fun” but they don’t make plans to meet in person — and then follow through and show up! — unless they’re looking for sex. Guaranteed he would have had sex with that person if he wasn’t stood up. Would you still be trying to work things out if he’d actually had sex with one of these people? You need to approach it from that perspective because he did everything possible to make that happen and would have physically cheated on you given the chance. Also he may still have… people normally have multiple craigslist accounts, are you sure you’ve found everything there is to find?

You said you don’t want to involve friends or family but I strongly encourage you to at least discuss this with a therapist. And personally I would also discuss it with your closest friend so you can have some support and not be hiding something so monumental. That’s not healthy. Are you avoiding telling a friend because you know they’ll advise you leave him?

I think long term relationships *can* survive infidelity, but I’m not sure yours should. The situation is complicated by his continued deception. Have you asked him about being gay? There is a fetish where mostly-straight men want sex with women who have penises. It’s not that uncommon so I wouldn’t automatically assume your boyfriend is gay, but at the very least he needs to own up to his fetish and be honest with you, for a change. Without honesty and full transparency your relationship has no hope of surviving this.

If you’re determined to stay with him, you need to set down concrete steps to begin restoring the trust he has broken. These should include therapy and full access to all of his devices. You also need to look at protecting yourself financially… are you financially dependant on him?

Post # 5
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

arosebyanyothername :  this was my advice, not sure why the comment disappeared.

OP Im sorry but you have no idea how long this has been going on or how many of these meetings went on before he got caught. If you can manage to get past the betrayal of cheating plus this person clearly having an attraction to the same sex then good luck with therapy. This is a bit too much for me. You caught him, he didn’t confess out of remorse. Huge difference. And even when you caught him red handed he tried to bs and excuse his way out of things. Do you honestly think that meeting was the only one that occurred? Not worth the risk. Get tested please.

Post # 6
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I can’t understand working this out.  This is a little off the deep end and he’s not even being forthcoming about it even though he got caught. I think you’re wanting to stay because you’ve been together a while and have a kid but come on bee, the writing is on the wall.  I don’t see this lasting without him doing it again,  you resenting him,  or him ending things to pursue whatever it is he’s missing or all three.  Get thee to counseling ASAP. I’d be out. 

Post # 7
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Uuuhhh I’m sorry, but what was his reasoning behind wanting you to see the messages? That just sounds really stupid

Post # 8
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i would not be able to trust him, hes been living a double life.  time to wonder if its worth your effort or not.

personally ide feel betrayed and and lied to. i could forgive but ide move on with my own life without him as my partner

Post # 10
Member
5772 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If he is struggling with his sexual identity, this is about so much more than your forgiveness. It’s more important that the two of you figure out how to co-parent your child and that both of you get some therapy than that you decide you’re willing to magnanimously forgive him these multiple transgressions and “work things out.” If he’s struggling with something (and possibly gay or needing to explore), wouldn’t you want to know that before you spend more of your life with him trying to make a traditional relationship work?

Post # 11
Member
4452 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You need to get tested too, not just him.

Post # 12
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I agree about you getting tested. He could be clean, but a carrier. He could pass something to you without actually contracting it himself.

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