(Closed) Conflicted about a Controversial topic…. Opinions!?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@EsC87:  Elope and have the wedding later. Many people do it. And with the military, so many people understand.

A wedding is special and magical no matter the legal status. I did it the opposite way. Had a family and friends non-legal wedding (hard to get my best friend legal in my state). It was beautiful and magical and I loved it. Then on our Honeymoon we got legally married by Elvis in front of the Vegas sign–and it was magical and special and I loved it. I look back on the pictures with equal fondness. In one we were declaring our love in front of friends and family, in the other we were declaring our love and commitment to each other (and Elvis LOL). 

Post # 18
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@EsC87:  PS- if you do decide to postpone, will Fiance agree to the larger $? Sounds like he only wants to spend $10,000 and not a penny more regardless of when you have it. 

Post # 20
Member
14492 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@EsC87:  my husband and I eloped and had our wedding later. Our day was just as big of a deal as it would have been if we hadn’t helped eloped. My husband works a very dangerous job, he became a single parent after his ex passed away, and for so many reasons it was prudent to do. My brother did the same thing only his was for military deployment reasons, like yours would be. His wedding was also a big deal. At the end of the day it’s what is best for you two and what you decide to make your big wedding day into. We got lucky, we got married twice on the same day of the month. Our legal wedding was June 25 2010, and our second was June 25 2011. Good luck, if you need anything feel free to pm.

Post # 21
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@EsC87:  I know it’s controversial, but I think people understand when there’s a reason for having two celebrations (like deployment, or a legal same-sex wedding in one state and a reception in another) rather than ‘we just want two weddings because we love attention’. Don’t worry about the opinions of others – YOU have to be comfortable with it. Will you think it somehow detracts from the reception/celebration that you’ll have later? Will you always worry about and resent it? If so, I’d advise against it.

Post # 22
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@EsC87:  Did you actually show him how much things cost? What does HE want in the wedding? Get him to write down the three most important things for a wedding (NOT including actually getting married) and then show him how much a nice cake/open bar/good food – or whatever it is that he wants, costs.

Often men have no idea how much what they are envisioning is going to cost.

BUT he may be very clued in and know the cost but still think that 10K is reasonable. 

 

And like 

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@KoiKove:  said – are you sure he will agree to a larger budget later or just guessing? I would make sure asap.

Post # 23
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having an elopement and then big vow renewal later. So many military couples do that.

My husband and I wanted to get married but we had very little money. So, we eloped and now we are going to renew our vows with my family later. 

Post # 24
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you looked into an all inclusive venue? My friend got married here and it was beautiful! They have a lot of options and there are various locations in Southern California. My DH and I have been thinking about doing our “California Event” at one of these places (We got married on the east coast but it meant a lot of my family/friends couldn’t be there).

Post # 25
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@EsC87:  I can understand why he wants to get married before deploying; there are a lot of rights and benefits you would get as a wife that you just aren’t eligible for if you’re not married.  I think it’s important enough to warrant a small wedding now or right before he deploys, and then take your time planning the big wedding or just a giant reception/party later (you can still cut the cake, dance, and wear the big white dress.)

Otherwise, maybe a destination wedding in a nearby (think cheaper) city would fit within your budget.  You have to figure out where you are both willing to compromise to make this wedding happen so you can start your marriage.  My husband wanted the giant country club wedding but he didn’t have a clue about the costs.  Since it was my second marriage I wanted to elope and leave for the honeymoon.  We both discussed it and looked over the budget before agreeing on an intimate wedding with our closest friends and family at a local beach house that we rented for the occasion.  We ended up ordering BBQ by the pound from a local restaurant and serving an open bar of beer, wine, and liquor from the Navy base (duty free!)  It only cost us $5800 and that included the rental of the beach house for the entire week.

Post # 26
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Not military, but I eloped the first time I got married. It was perfect for us. I was giddy, anxious, excited- everything I thought I’d be when I got married. 

Second time around, we did the bigger wedding. I had a dress, we got married in a church, there were more than two witnesses there. And to be honest, I felt nothing like I did the first time. I was so stressed out from the planning and praying that everything would go right for him (I wanted to elope again, he wanted the wedding), I didn’t enjoy it. In the end, I’m happier than I’ve ever been but if I could go back, I’d beg him to just get a few people together, pack up the kids, and get a photographer– we would do something super small and simple. 

Post # 27
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@EsC87:  my Fiance had a max budget at first too- then he found out how much weddings actually cost!! 10 K doesn’t go very far in San Diego. Fiance was in the Navy (thats how he ended up in SD) So many of our military friends did courthouse weddings and a big vow renewal later. Not only is it good in case anything bad happened, but serving in the military is the only job I know where you automatically get paid more for being married. So lots of people get married, and take the extra money every month from being married and use it to pay for the vow renewal. People will totally understand- the only time things get dramatic is when there is lying involved. On a personal note, I would much rather wait a little for a dream wedding than rush it! Good luck!

Post # 28
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t understand how if he has 8 grand and you have 5, and your parents are giving you 1300 for your dress, you can’t have the 15k wedding?  He will not allow you to contribute the 5 grand you have saved?

Post # 29
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I know 2 years seems like a long time, but it could actually be beneficial if budget is an issue for 2 reasons.

 

Firstly, it would give you time to save more money, and secondly it would give you a lot of time to DIY things (which would also decrease the amount you need to spend). We had a 19 month engagement and it was the perfect amount of time to plan everything out and DIY all the things I needed to. We just got married on Saturday and it was PERFECT, I think if I had a shorter engagement it would have cost a lot more, we wouldn’t have had as much to spend and I wouldn’t have been able to do all the things I did for the wedding (I did a lot of DIY and it came out looking amazing, everyone commented on all the things I had done and they were shocked I DIYed it all, if I didn’t have a long engagement, it wouldn’t have looked as nice). 

 

If I were you though I would consider doing a legal wedding before the deployment just in case something happened. 

 

You’ve only got as much money as you’ve got though and a day is not worth going in to debt over. 

 

Post # 30
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@EsC87:  Is cutting the guest list an option?

 

I didn’t want to cut corners so I cut the guest list.  It went from 125 to 60.  Pretty much just immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins and 4 friends between the both of us.

I personally think a wedding is worth getting into debt if you can pay it off within a year.  We took out 5K.  it was not the end of the world

Helped a lot!  

 

Post # 31
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Every military couple I know facing deployments have gotten married and planned a reception later! For every solid, practical reason stated! Very good information here.

Your family and friends will understand the logistics of this situation if you explain it. 😉 Good luck.

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