(Closed) Conflicted about my ring

posted 3 years ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I would almost buy that it was the style you were unhappy with except for a few things. You say:

“He also only spent about a week of his salary, which is equivalent to about 3 days of mine.”

“And inside, even if it’s irrational, it just makes me feel like he just didn’t want to spend the money on me.”

“I wasn’t expecting 2 month’s salary, but I guess I had thought that if he wanted to go a more inexpensive route…”

“If a solitaire was my only choice, I would have gone significantly bigger on the stone (which we can afford). We live in NYC and I’m used to seeing significantly bigger rings.”

I guess from everything you say, it is the size of the stone/price that’s the issue for you more than the style. Yes, you explained the style you wanted, but almost everything you said prior to that focused on the price/size instead. I wonder if he had custom designed a ring with a 2.5 ct center if you would have been able to find it in your heart to live with it, despite it not being your style. Ultimately, it seems that his priorities are different from yours (sentiment vs status), which makes me wonder if there will be other significant issues the two of you have trouble deciding on later on. 

But it sounds as though you have brought it up already, so good luck, and I hope that you end up with the ring you like and that your Fiance is not unhappy.

Post # 48
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

In that case, have you been honest with him? As in, “Hey, I am so flattered that you wanted to design a ring for me, and I so appreciate the effort you put into it, but I had something else in mind. I was really hoping to feel spoiled – just this once – and I’d like something a little flashier. Would you please design a ring with me that we can both love?” Listen, I absolutely admire that you are willing to stand up and say what you believe/want, and I agree that wanting some material things doesn’t make someone a bad person. But communication is going to be vital in a marriage, so say what you mean. You’re far more likely to end up with what you want by being honest, and once he gets over it, you two might have a really great experience making a ring together.

Post # 49
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I don’t understand the whole mentality of keeping whatever your significant other gives you and to essentially “suck it up.”  It’s not a piece of jewelry for special occasions, it’s a forever item to be worn daily. I love my fiancé and he went the custom route. Didn’t take into consideration anything i wanted. I kept quiet for 2 months about the ring, but on top of it not being my style, it was bad workmanship and unstable. He too was hurt that I didn’t love the ring. But he made it clear that he would rather know now and work on getting me a ring I’ll love then have me slowly hate my ring. We went to a jeweler and worked together on the ring. We took out the diamond and custom made a new ring. We then put the birthstone of our wedding month in the original setting and I wear it as a right hand ring. Hopefully involving him in making a new ring or tweaking it will help him come around. 

Post # 50
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

vickirut Sorry about the ring and you are not a bad person in dreaming about a ring. Most girls do and its okay to be disappointed if you didint get what you dreamt about, after all you will wear it for life. It doesnt make you a bad person and I totally get what you mean by you wanted to be spoilt for once. Anyway its not the end of the world. Ya you expected him to spend more but he didnt so let it be, think how lucky you are that he took his time to design a ring for you – not everyone does that. Now lets come to a solution.

I have a perfect solution for you so that you get what you want and his feelings are not hurt.
Have u thought of Ring Guard enhancer? here is a pic:

https://www.twobirch.com/0-2-carat-contoured-wedding-ring-jacket-prd-tb-guard-0103-wg-d/

https://www.twobirch.com/0-57-carat-double-infinity-wedding-ring-guard-enhancer-prd-tb-guard-0110-wg-h/

 

So you will not have to modify the ring but you can custom ordera ring guard with cluster from the designer you want.

Post # 51
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2007

View original reply
misslucy :  I thought the same thing, red flag.

Post # 52
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

“He also only spent about a week of his salary, which is equivalent to about 3 days of mine.”

REALLY?!?!?!

If this is your biggest problem, then perhaps you need to break up with him for a Doctor?

Post # 53
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I say keep the ring as an “engagement ring” and for your wedding day you get the cluster ring you’ve dreamed of, BUT pick it together and get his input so he doesn’t feel like you’re just throwing away the other one. Then the original engagement ring you can wear on your right hand or even try to stack with your cluster ring…. if I were you I’d get what I wanted and if this causes your relationship to crumble, it just wasn’t meant to be? 

Post # 54
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper

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vickirut :  I know you’re getting flack about your comments about what he spent but I getcha. If a certain diamond isnt affordable to him that’s a different story but I understand why you feel if he has the means why he didn’t treat you, or even ask to find out what’s important to you. 

Others have given you good ideas. I just wanted to say I understand.

Post # 55
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
vickirut :  you’ve worked hard, get the ring you love! I understand what the other bees are saying about the original ring being sentimental etc, but you have to wear it and look at it everyday! I’m sure your Fiance would want you to look at your e-ring and think “I love him so much” instead of “I wish I have a different ring…”

Post # 56
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I feel for you, it’s a tough situation to be in. I wish you the best. 

He’s upset because he feels like you don’t like what he designed, and you’re upset because he apparently didn’t consult you at all. Knowing your differences in taste, it does seem odd that he wouldn’t at least talk with your family and friends about what you like, if not you directly. 

It sounds like you’re both comfortable earners. If it was me, and within my means, I’d buy myself the stone and ring I wanted. And wear the other as an RHR.  

Post # 57
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

View original reply
alexcor :  

Agree. My husband is not a sentimental man, and I love that about him. If he got hurt feelings every time I changed my mind or didn’t like something that he did, we’d be in trouble. 

A person should love a ring that have to wear every day. And if there’s sentiment attached to the ring the OP’s fiancée gave her, she should keep it and wear it as an RHR. And if she wants a larger diamond for her ER, it’s her prerogative. I think she should pay for it herself, tho. 

Post # 58
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I have many thoughts on this: 

(1) not every man KNOWS that they need to consult you. Most here on the bee had the ring talk but there are still many men who SURPRISES their Fiance. That’s what they grew up with and what they know–in fact other than myself and my BFF all of my male relatives, coworkers, and friends have bought rings without their SO knowledge. 

(2) many men do not see rings as investment in this day and age. They see articles everywhere about the economy, job market, stagnated pay, and investing for retirement so I don’t fault many men who aren’t as happy spending those savings on a ring. 

(3) men are also sensitive, some won’t even voice how they truly feel for fear of hurting you. I’m glad your Fiance told you how he feels instead of nodding along and “yes dear” all the way to oblivion. Your feelings are equally as important as his–except yours is based on “style” (not my style, not my preferred budget) and his is based on sentiment (designed with thoughts of you). 

(4) you might be wearing it but he also gave it. When people look at your ring the first thought in their heads is not about YOU but about the man that gave it to you–truly. I don’t see the women in their rings, I see the man. Maybe not now cause of joint ring buying, but yeah I see it. Which is why we hear comments “he did a good job” or “he must love you”. Very rarely do you hear “oh good job for both of you planning and plotting that ring together! Maybe times will catch up to us progressive bees but many outside this site are still traditional. 

Post # 59
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

 I feel 

View original reply
hazeleyesbride :  has the best solution for you.  If you change the ring in any way it’s like saying you don’t like or appreciate his style and thoughtfulness. The ring reflects your FI’s style and the sentimental value is definetly something he cares about. Find it in your heart to wear it until the wedding and make your custom set from the jeweler of your dreams for your wedding set. You can wear the original on special occasions or your right hand and you will still have it to pass on to family in the future.  

As far as the feeling of being spoiled trust me it’s overrated.  It’s a marketing ploy and that feeling fades away no matter how much you spend. You have goals like buying a brownstone! Save. I suggest that you go on a romantic weekend getaway to celebrate your engagement. Bring wedding mags and start planning or at least discuss possibilities in a fun casual way. Then you can bring up getting a new wedding set in a delicate way after he’s seen or read articles about “perfect” rings. Many women have multiple options of marital bling, just be patient and give the original it’s time to shine. 

Post # 60
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Your ring looks beautiful

What stood out to me was “either wear a ring I really don’t like that makes me feel like I’m not worth a lot,
This sounds very materialistic, the sentiment and what it represents seems to be lost here, since you have already had the talk with him, you may as well just go it alone and get the bling you want, the damage is probably already done. 

 

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