Post # 1
Okay, I just want to start off this thread by stating that I love my boyfriend dearly and I want to get married to him. I am very much ready to call him my fiance and then husband. However, as the title says, I’m conflicted about the proposal.
Theoretically we were meant to get engaged in August but the ring had not finished being made/altered. We’re already kind of pseudo engaged and making some plans (though nothing solid, just ideas), the proposal is essentially just a formality which is why he doesn’t want to do it without the ring.
The ring has since been finished and collected. It is somewhere in the flat and placed onto our home insurance for safety sake so I have just been waiting for him to pop the question.
I think he wants to make it special, to do something memorable at the right moment, and I kind of want that to, but I’m also well aware that the right moment does not exist, especially at the moment.
My life at work has got kind of unbearable and so I’m in the process of looking for something new. If I get the job i want then life is going to be a bit of a struggle for awhile as the work isn’t entirely secure and what I make one week to the next will be subject to change. We’re in a position that we can afford to do this, my boyfriend’s job is enough to cover costs, if only just and I do have savings as well which is the reason I’m going for it and my boyfriend is fully supportive. It does however make me very nervous as I suffer from anxiety and can’t help but think of the worst case scenario.
I had kind of hoped he would ask me this weekend originally, when I had some holiday booked for an extended weekend but that has since been denied and I honestly have no idea when or if I want him to propose at the moment. I want to be engaged and working towards marriage with him, but with everything so up in the air at the moment, I worry that I won’t enjoy the moment as much.
I know it all sounds kind of silly and trivial, especially compared to some of the problems on here. I guess, what I’d really like is some reassurance. Did any of you guys get engaged when other things in life where causing problems and did it detract from the moment at all?
Post # 2
DH proposed to me while I was in the midst of finishing my dissertation! It was a really stressful time – I had just defended, and was working really long hours trying to get papers published and make dissertation edits in order to get it turned in on time so that I’d graduate and be able to start the new job I had lined up. It was a crazy time, for sure, and I was completely surprised by the proposal.
However, being busy did not take away from the moment! He proposed very sweetly, and I have great memories from that day! Also, over the following crazy-hectic weeks/months, I would often glance down at my sparkly ring, be reminded how much he loves me, and be happy about being engaged. It helped me catch my breath and focus on the important things in life (our relationship and our love), in the midst of such stress!
Post # 3
Thank you! It’s really good to hear that it didn’t put a dampener on the moment. I just fear that I’ll be so caught up with my worry and stress that I won’t be able to enjoy it as much I think.
But my god! I couldn’t imagine getting engaged during my dissertation haha! I lived with my parents during uni and only remembered to eat during the major dissertation stress when my mum snuck in to put food on my desk.
Post # 4
my husband asked me to marry him during a pretty stressful time – work/life wise. It was actually really nice to have one 100% for certain thing (us) during the insanity. Things haven’t really calmed down since and I still love knowing that regardless of the outcome, I have my rock.
Post # 5
My husband proposed the night his dad died unexpectedly, right after we got back from the hospital, while we were sitting on the couch in shock and disbelief. He knew he wanted me by his side for the good times AND the bad. Oh btw he had also lost his job recently.
I don’t understand this idea that engagement/marriage is some kind of life capstone that only happens once everything else in your life is perfect. Because it’s never gonna be. So why not just take the leap as soon as you know?
Post # 6
I had finished my thesis for my masters the week before we got engaged and had increased my hours at work and was catching up on work in the week during. My husband had just had an internal transfer at work and was getting to know his new department, he’d also done two lots of exams on the Wednesday and Thursday before we got engaged on the Friday. As we’d both been studying and working full time for him and 4 days a week for me, the house was a bomb site. We had no money because we’d had to finish paying my masters fees and I was on a temporary contract with no guarantee of extension beyond the four months left on my contract. But we got engaged and it was fantastic. It was great knowing that even when our house was a mess, our finances were shot and uncertain and we hadn’t spent much time together because we’d both been studying and working – we still wanted to have a go at forever.
To be honest though there’s never a good time. I changed my jobs 5 months before we got married and have been miserable in that job since. My husband was also studying his final exams before and after we got married. A large number of my family have been ill since we got engaged with 3 of them passing away in two years and 2 more hospital visits that we thought would end with them passing away. Now we’ve been married 18 months and I’m still miserable at work and now my husband has also joined me. Finances are tight because we bought a project of a house and savings are nowhere near where we want. It’s definitely stressful knowing that both of us want to change jobs which obviously makes us less secure than we are now (we’ve both been employed long enough to be given sufficient notice and redundancy in the worst case scenario). Life is continuing to be stressful and doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Had we waited for a period when things weren’t stressful, we’d still be waiting 3 years later. Our engagement and wedding are bright spots from the last few years.
Post # 7
You already have the ring purchased and paid for, you don’t need to start wedding planning as soon as you get engaged (I’m over six months of engagment and have barely looked at venues), if nothing else it will be a fun, bright spot in an otherwise stressful and uncertain time.
Post # 8
Thank you for all of the responses. It’s really good to hear from other people who’ve got engaged during high stress times of life. I’m friends with very few people who are married anymore (was friends with a few but things drifted and I’ve ended up with better friends as a result, so can’t really complain) and it means I don’t really have people to turn to for advice about this sort of thing so I really do appreciate the perspective.
I know that there is never going to be a perfect moment, life is far too complicated for that, I just don’t want the current stress to dampen the mood. Hearing that it hasn’t for other people has really helped.
As for planning, odd as this might sound given the other stress, I would absolutely love to have that to do at the moment. It would be nice to be working towards a bright and enjoyable moment which I have some control over.
Post # 9
Dh had just lost his job, I lost my main revenue stream at the same time.
It worked out just fine.
Post # 10
Yes. My fiance and I had a date range in mind. The day he was set to propose was a terrible one for me. The second hurricane had just hit Puerto Rico (he has family there and it holds a special place in my heart) and I’ve been overwhelmed with work. I came home in tears. Instead of proposing after work, as he had intended, we went to a bar instead. He asked me if there ever was a wrong time to propose and I said that no matter what, his proposal would make a bad a day a good one. He ended up proposing later that night in a way that was incredibly special and personal. We were also similar to you in that we’d been talking about a wedding for awhile (he needed to make more $$$$ to get the ring) so in some ways, we already felt engaged before we were.
In our case, it was very indicative of our relationship because while our relationship is solid, we’ve gone through some hard things together (He lost a job, I was denied a promotion, we lost family etc.) and I’m convinced that it’s going through those things together that has confirmed he’s my person.
Post # 11
I won’t list the amount of things I’m going through at the moment, but I was just engaged this weekend and it did t take away from the moment at all.
as my fiancée says “your problems will still be there in the morning” so take a moment or a night to enjoy the feeling once he does propose! Your problems will still be waiting later I promise 😉
Post # 12
You’re right in knowing that there will never be a perfectly “right” time. My DH proposed while we were still long distance. There was a lot of fear and uncertainty for me because I had a hard time dealing with us being long distance and was worried our situation wouldn’t change before the wedding. It was one of my worst fears to be a long distance wife. However, when he proposed, it was perfect, blew everything else out of my mind, and all I knew was that he was the one I loved and wanted to commit my life to, regardless of our long distance situation at the time.
All of my worries were for naught, and DH moved back home before the wedding. But the point is that if you want to be engaged and married, stop worrying about the other factors surrounding this time, especially if your relationship is going well and the things you’re worried about are all external (like your job).
Post # 13
My fiance proposed in a way and in a setting I really didn’t like (think something like an onscreen proposal at a baseball game while I wanted it to be private) and while I was happy it happened, the “moment” was sort of awkward and uncomfortable for me. I had never communicated my preference to him and he misjudged from my general personality (I’m outgoing, extroverted, don’t mind giving speeches to hundreds, etc.) that I wouldn’t mind an audience so much. But life goes on! We are getting married!
So even if all your life stress does “ruin it”–That’s ok!
Post # 14
I got engaged back in July after waiting for the ‘perfect moment’ for almost a year!
I know he had got the ring in June as we were moving Home and I needed to check his emails for an email from the letting agent and saw a confirmation of finance from the jewellers…as you can imagine, I freaked!!
I didn’t tell anyone and I bottled it up for weeks and then blurted it out one day and he was upset that I was upset then he explained he was waiting for the ‘perfect moment’ – this was about 6 weeks before he proposed.
We went to town a few weeks later and he picked up the ring – by this point I’d found the confirmation when cleaning so I knew when it would be in as he confirmed it for me but asked me not to get any more involved as he wanted to make it special for me.
The frustrating thing was that we had a family gathering coming up as his brother was moving to the USA and it was our 3rd Anniversary of being together that same weekend, but he spent ages saying he wasn’t going to ask me on this day as he wanted it to be its own special day. Fast forward to our anniversary and we went for a walk to this private beach and he proposed!
So this all sounds romantic and beautiful but at the time we were going through a lot of stress. He had just moved jobs (he is a teacher just starting out) and my job was really stressful too as I basically wanted to do something different and it wasn’t working out. In the midst of all of this I was suffering from anxiety and other issues so I wasn’t in the best state of mind!
I will say that once he proposed, it absolutely filled me with so much love and the surprise was absolutely amazing and so perfect. When I’m having a bad day I just think back to that day and how amazing it was.
So I wouldn’t worry about the waiting. I was in the same situation as you and I was so tired of waiting, and sometimes I wish I could go through it all again now! Let him take his time and I promise you, you will not regret letting him do it his way. Good luck!!!! X
Post # 15
I’m not engaged yet, but I’m also in a stressful place career-wise and have a different view on a proposal right now, so I figured I’d share:
I would have loved for my boyfriend to have proposed during my last year of grad school, even though I was finishing my dissertation, and I am still waiting for him to propose even though I was recently left in the lurch after my first post-grad position ended and a potential extension into a postdoctoral appointment fell through. So now I’m back to square one applying for jobs, but I would still be happy to get engaged now. I would love to have that reassurance and morale boost in a time when I’m fighting disappointment in myself.
My boyfriend feels the opposite and is one of those people who wants everything to be perfect before taking on something else. So I don’t know when he’s going to propose, but knowing it probably won’t be soon because of things I can’t entirely control despite doing my best to resolve them to me feels worse than the thought of getting engaged while feeling stressed.