Conflicted about whether I should disclose this to my SO or not… WWYD Bees?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you tell your SO your ex bought your apartment for you as a gift while you were together?
    Yes : (115 votes)
    78 %
    No : (24 votes)
    16 %
    Depends (please explain) : (8 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    9044 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    happyliciousbee :  Just say that there is no mortgage. No need to elaborate unless you think your ex might make a claim on the apartment (but it doesn’t sound like it).

    I mean do you go around pointing out everything that was a gift to you from someone else? Of course not. So there is no need here either.

     

    Post # 3
    Member
    233 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I think there are a couple things that need to be discussed.

    First, you need to discuss your financial situation, including assets and liabilities. I can’t see marrying someone without that really frank conversation.

     

    And when you have that, yes, I think it will naturally come up that you have this asset because your ex bought it for you.

     

    You haven’t done anything wrong. It isn’t a confession. It’s just a matter of fact conversation. I’m assuming he knows you were in a long term relationship before him?

     

    Im in a sort of similar situation. I’m divorced with 2 kids. I own a house. My house was purchased while I was married to my ex-husband. Now, a lot of people end up selling the marital home when they divorce, but I didn’t. So, when we started talking about him moving in with me I said, “I’m sure you’ve put this together, but this house was purchased with (ex’s name). When you move in, this will be *our* home. If you want to discuss buying a different home together in the future, I will absolutely to be open to that. In the meantime, let me know what you need to make this house your and (SO’s son’s name)’s home because I want you both to feel comfortable here”. He confirmed he knew, we discussed briefly the idea of us buying a house together, and it was done.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5956 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    happyliciousbee :  I read most of it. I would be totally upfront with him. I don’t see why you wouldn’t?? Lots of people get houses because they were married. So now that I’m no longer married I have to hide the fact that my husband and I got the house together? <– As an example. I’d be thrilled if my (now) husband told me the house he lived in was paid off no matter how!!

    Post # 5
    Member
    5111 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    happyliciousbee :  I don’t think this is a big deal. I wouldn’t volunteer the information but if he asked how you were able to pay it off, I wouldn’t lie. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Your ex didn’t buy you an apartment.  He paid off your mortgage.  Totalllllyyy different.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    3297 posts
    Sugar bee

    Agree with CityBearBride. I would be open about it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3837 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Don’t say your ex bought you the apartment for you as a gift, that isn’t even really true. Just say there is no mortgage, and if he asks how you were able to pay it off say something like ‘well I saved and worked hard and ‘ex’ made some contributions when we were together as well.’ That’s true and doesn’t make a big deal of it. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    9447 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I would just tell him there is no mortgage because your ex paid the remainder off. No need to make it sound like a huge extravagant gift.

    Post # 12
    Member
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    If you’re going to be getting married, the subject of finances should be wide open and honest so yes, you should tell him. It’s not something you have to be embarassed about, just a conversation to have. 

     

    Personally IF it were me, I would not phrase it as “my ex gifted me an apartment” which makes it sound like he came home one day with flowers and an apartment as a surprise — instead, something more accurate: your ex paid off the balance of your existing mortgage when the two of you were on what you thought was a track to marriage. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    3420 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    This is definitely something I would be honest about, just because I don’t know why you wouldn’t. And unless you’re making a couple hundred thousand a year, if I was him I’d ask you how in the world you paid it off by yourself. And obviously he needs to know it’s paid off, so I see no other choice to but to be honest.

    “Hey, so this is a little awkward for me to talk about, but after a few years of living here and paying my mortgage, this guy who I was in a serious relationship with actually paid it off for me as a gift. So I do not have a monthly mortgage anymore. It used to be *insert mortgage here*. Do you think that’s what we rent it out for?”

    Unless he’s some super insecure guy or something, I feel like he  should be happy about this super amazing financial information and then move on with his life. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I would be open about it. You don’t have to be specific, like “my ex gave me a million dollars to pay off my mortgage” but you can just say you paid it off already with some help from your ex or something like that. It sounds like you’ve fully moved on from your ex, have cut ties etc., so assuming your current SO is a mature person, secure in your love for him, this shouldn’t really faze him. He might be weirded out for a few min but I would think after a bit of reflection, he will be completely at peace with it. Maybe even happy! No mortgage = more money for you both.

    Also if you don’t tell him, what if it somehow comes up years from now in a conversation with your family or something? I think the fall-out from him finding out about it through someone else down the line would be way worse, potentially.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2631 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I don’t see where the issue is.  I think you both need to be more open about your money and assets if you are getting married too.  If I thought my SO had a morgage and he told me he didn’t (for any reason) I’d be thrilled.

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