Conflicted about whether I should disclose this to my SO or not… WWYD Bees?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you tell your SO your ex bought your apartment for you as a gift while you were together?
    Yes : (115 votes)
    78 %
    No : (24 votes)
    16 %
    Depends (please explain) : (8 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 16
    656 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    happyliciousbee :  

    I think so. You bought an apartment, were making mortgage payments on your own. Met a guy, were together for a long time he paid off your mortgage to make your life easier/ happier. This isn’t pretty woman where he put you up in a condo and dropped in to visit a few times a week this was two people involved in a long term relationship and he paid off your condo. Not a big deal under the circumstances. My Fiance would absolutely pay my mortgage off if he had the money  it’s what people who love one another would do for each other. 

    Tell your future intended that your apartment is mortgage free and if he asks how that happened, tell him the truth. Lying is not a good foundation for a relationship  

    I would question though why you would want to spend money renting something else when you could both be living mortgage free. Move in together and put what you would be spending on rent into savings for your future home. From the sounds of it you never lived with your ex in your apartment so it’s always been yours…what a great way to start your lives together. No/ less financial stress. That would be amazing. Don’t you think?

    Post # 18
    462 posts
    Helper bee

    You need to tell him there’s no mortgage so you should be upfront about why to avoid him thinking something shady might be going on. I know my husband’s salary so if turned out he owned a property with no mortgage and was being evasive about how that was possible my imagination would start going into overdrive – is he a drug dealer? Has he inherited a lot of money and assets he’s hiding from me? Has he been paid off for something he can’t speak about???

    I don’t think you need to get into the specifics of exactly what your ex paid for and what you paid for but as another bee suggested, “Initially I had a mortgage on this apartment but ex and I paid it off back when we were together”. I doubt he’ll demand the exact breakdown of exactly what you contributed and what the ex contributed and if he does that’s a whole different convo about why he needs to know the exact details of the finances you and your ex shared. 

    Post # 19
    9809 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I’d tell him, no reason to hide it.

    Post # 20
    1703 posts
    Bumble bee

    happyliciousbee :  

    I didn’t read the replies or updates, so forgive me if I am missing something…

    You both had lives before you met…you have nothing to be ashamed of…I would simply say, “there is actually no mortgage…while I purchased the apartment and was paying for it initially, ____ actually paid it off for me while we were together” …no big deal! You are a lucky girl!! 🙂 

    Post # 21
    2606 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

    Yes, he paid off your mortgage, he did not buy you an apartment. There is a big difference. It is your apartment, he just paid your debt off, he did not seek for an aparment for you and purchase it for you. You worked hard to save a down payment and be granted a mortgage and made payments to your mortgage for a length of time before he generously paid it off. I would be honest with SO and tell him “no, there is no mortgage payment. My mortgage has been paid off.” he will most likely ask a follow up question and I would tell him “I purchased the apartment and was making my mortgage payments for a few years and then as a gift that I was reluctant to accept, ex paid it off. The apartment is solely mine and remains in my name, but I no longer have a mortgage payment.”

    Post # 22
    627 posts
    Busy bee

    It’s clear you are self-conscious about this gift, but I don’t think there’s any reason to be. Don’t lie to your partner if he asks directly, but don’t feel that it’s information you have to volunteer.

    I’m not quite sure why you feel like this is something you need to hide, but it’s not. If you think your SO would judge you for this, that says more about him than you.

    Post # 23
    3379 posts
    Sugar bee

    I did not read the long version but I would be open about it. Especially since you know it is natural for him to assume that you bought it (unless he thinks you are renting, which is also a lie.) Don’t hide things in relationships, it just bites you in the ass in the end.

    Post # 24
    13589 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think honesty and openness is very important in a relationship.  What do you gain by hiding this from him?  Nothing.  What do you lose?  Most likely, nothing.   Just be honest. 

    Post # 25
    1306 posts
    Bumble bee


    As long as your ex has no legal ties to it, I see no issue.

    Communicating about finances is a really big deal. If your SO has a major issue with your past, that would be a big red flag to me.

    Post # 26
    9588 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    It’s one of those things I wouldn’t keep a secret but I wouldn’t lie either.

    “It was a gift” is enough.  But if pressed, don’t lie.

    Post # 27
    1183 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I don’t think there’s any reason you should keep it from him.

    As an example, my ex husband and I purchased a home together. We both paid on the mortgage for about 4 years before he and I split up. I still live in that home and my Fiance has now moved in while we plan our wedding and save to buy our own home. He knows full well that because of my ex, we have this equity that will help fund our future home purchase and he’s completely ok with that! He even said sarcastically (because my ex is a jerk) at one point “we’ll have to thank your ex for helping us with our down payment for our future home!”

    I think your significant other will be thrilled to know that you don’t have a mortgage. I like the way that other bees outlined it – he didn’t buy you an apartment. You purchased it and paid on it for several years. He paid it off for you because he saw a life and future with you and you were in a long term, serious relationship.

    I also feel that it’s very important for both of you to lay out your finances before you get married. What debt do you hold, etc etc.

    Good luck!

    Post # 28
    4698 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I wouldn’t care if he had sugar momma pay off his mortgage off.. Owning a home outright is a dream and I would be so happy if my partner were in that situation.

    Definitely don’t lie about it.


    Post # 29
    2394 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    KC-2722 :  exactly. I’d be thrilled if I were in his shoes! No mortgage?- woohoo! What not to celebrate? 

    Post # 30
    3114 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

    Yes, I don’t see what the big deal is. My husband would have been thrilled if my ex had contributed to my life in any way that benefited our future together, unfortunately that was not the case lol.

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