- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
I am pretty new to wedding bee. this is a little long, so bear with me but I feel like I am losing my mind. I guess I should start by saying I am in a long-distance relationship with my partner and have been for 3 years (dating 5.5 years). We are both graduating in the July/August from post-degrees and will be mobile and able to move in together soon (which is so exciting!!). We have been making it work REALLY well for the past 2.5 years and were like a well-oiled machine. I was able to stay positive and look at it as a short-term sacrifice for long-term gain. But for some reason, I have been stuggling SO MUCH since January. I am not longer able to positive self-talk and I am loosing steam and feel like I am deflating. My boyfriend is increadibly stressed about finding a job (I think he is taking the search too personally) and I didn’t want to stress him out more than he already is, so for the first time in our relationship I feel like I can’t be open and honest with him about my internal struggles. Like I said, it is partially because of me not wanting to put that burden on him, and the distance makes it SO HARD to lean on each other when circumstances are out of your control. But – the few times I have brought up my stress, it is met with “I am stressed too! I am the one looking for a job!” and so I back off.
I have realized that this is unhealthy and unfair. I should be able to express myself without him getting his panties in a bunch, and we should be communicating openly about how we are both feeling. But the added layer of distance (20 hour drive) and my crazy schedule with studying has really thrown us off from our usual form of communitcation via long-distance. He is in vegas with his friends so I can’t talk to him until Tuesday when he gets back (I totally trust him and I am not upset that he is having fun with his friends, but I just think the timing sucks because I really need him right now). I realize I have to talk to him and stop trying so hard to keep it together on my own. We are not far from an engagement and we need to be able to communicate and support each other.
Now the real thing I am conflicted about is him coming to see me after I write my exams in April. I am in an intensive program and I KNOW I won’t study if he visits before, but I would like him to come and stay when I finish writing my exams. He is writing his dissertation then, so he is free to be mobile and can write his thesis here while I got to placement, and we can be a normal couple when I come home. He still lives in his childhood home with his parents (it makes way more financial sense as he is in his PhD in his home town, he is fairly young at 27) and his parents go to Florida for the winter. They are considerably older, his dad is turning 80 this year. He doesn’t have the greatest relationship with his parents, but he still likes to greet them when they get back. This year, they get back from Florida later than usualy in early May. On top of that, he is the best man at a wedding at the end of May (around my birthday no less). So I figured he could some here and stay with me, fly back for the wedding (I am flying out for the wedding too), and then come back with me here. He is always lonely in his home town as his home town as his friends have all moved and we always talk about how we wish he could be together, so I am not aksing him to do anything crazy, and I thought he would be SO into the idea.
Now the problem is that when I brought this up, he said that the end of April would be a bad time because he wants to greet his parents, and the wedding is shortly after so he may as well come at the end of May. I asked him why its so important for him to be there when his parents get in and not just see them after, and he pointed out that they are elderly and he just wanted to be there (they are both in EXCELLENT health). I can understand that, and I figured it was just because this would be his last time greeting them, but when I asked, he hadn’t even considered that factor. Now I am all for spending time with parents, but I can’t help but feel like I am being put on the backburner lately. All of his other priorities have come first recently, and I feel like I am coming second. For example, the only day he could plan the groom’s bachelor party was on my birthday as people are coming from out of town. I wasn’t not mad about that, what can he do? but he forgot that it was my birthday when he booked it, and told me the day of the party and didn’t mention it was my birthday. I had to remind him that it was my birthday. That is an example of how I am feeling like I am on the backburner, I know it was an accident, but he felt so bad about it, he got stupid defensive and got mad at me. He apologized after, but I feel like that reaction was innapropriate and thinking about it still ticks me off. again, I haven’t complained or tried to talk about it again because I don’t want to add to his stress, but common, man.
He is still going to have time alone with his parents for a week before I get there for the wedding, so what is the difference really if he is there to greet them, or he sees them a couple of weeks after (they don’t seem to mind him not being there). I want him to come see me in April. I feel like I am making these sacrifices and willing to leave my family and move wherever his career is going to take us at the moment, and the least he could do is get his ass on a plane ASAP and come here to be with me. Yeah, it sucks that he can’t greet his parents, and I get the argument that he will come after May, so what is another month? But I just want him here. I think waiting another month is going to kill me, I need him here. But then again I would feel AWFUL if something did happen to his elderly parents and I don’t want any resentment.
What should I do? I want him to come without making him choose between me or his parents, I would feel awful. Would it be crazy to ask him to do that? I feel like I am willing to sacrifice a lot and I am not getting it in return.
- This topic was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by kat010710.