(Closed) Conflicted feelings about what we have to do… any advice?

posted 6 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@swimcat14:  I haven’t done the legally married then another ceremony thing, but I know that you can wait to change your name to when you are more comfortable. In my first marriage, we were married before I finalized my master’s degree. For personal reasons, I wanted to have my maiden name on the diploma but didn’t trust my school to keep that straight if I changed my name right away. I waited five months to do so, and there was no problem or hangup with the process whatsoever.

If it makes you feel more comfortable with the big ceremony in the summer, you can call it a vow renewal. Regardless, even though you will legally married already, your family and friends will still love seeing you two say your personal vows to each other and celebrate with you. As for your anniversary, congratulations bc you can have two if you wanted! If not, then you have the luxury of picking the more meaningful date for the two of you and celebrating that day each year. 

The bottom line is I agree with your parents that it’s a smart move to get legally married now in order to protect yourselves against something potentially catastrophic. That being said, I don’t think you need to give up on the idea of the big ceremony at all!

Post # 6
748 posts
Busy bee

I’m from Europe. Over there, religious weddings don’t legally count. So everyone has to go to the courthouse anyway before the religious wedding in order to make it legal. Some people go the day before, other people go a few months before. My parents went 6 months before, since my mom needed a more substantial proof in order to obtain a job in her city. I’ve heard it’s the same way in Asia. So my parents don’t consider that as their real wedding. They joke around that they’ve been really married for longer than they celebrate it, but they celebrate their religious wedding as their anniversary.

I’m in a similar situation as you are. I already managed to get my fiance insurance through my company because he’s been living with me so he counts as a domestic partner, but it’s more expensive than it would be if he were my husband. I also don’t have residency in the US, even though I can legally work for my company on a work visa. So we have decided to just make life easier on ourselves and get married now at the courthouse. We don’t have rings, we won’t exchange vows, and I won’t change my name legally until the full wedding happens. We’re going to tell everyone who asks, and are going to tell them also that we don’t consider ourselves fully married. We have not really declared our vows publicly in front of our friends and family, we will have just signed a document that allows us more legal freedom. Our parents won’t even be there, only the minimum number of witnesses legally required.

So there are multiple ways of looking at it. I don’t think anyone will be mad at you, and I also don’t think you need to call it anything else if you don’t want to. Perhaps you can call it something like a vow ceremony instead of a wedding, if it makes you feel better. We’ll still be calling it a wedding. In the end, all that matters is that you find peace with your decision yourself.

Post # 7
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

A lot of people call a wedding ceremony after you’re already married a “vow renewal”. Some people do it like a year later when they have the money, some people think it’s fun to do it again every 5 years to feel romantic about each other again… and in your case it just plain practical and best for everyone. Do it just like you planned. Say “hey folks… we’re getting legally married now… vow renewal later. Look forward to seeing you then!”

 Edit: I didn’t read the other comment right after your initial post… looks like it was already answered 🙂

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