(Closed) Conflicted with what I think I want and whether I am being naive.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you have ANY reservations or doubts, don’t do it! You have nothing but time. You’re still so young.

Post # 5
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@Meglin:  I’m 21. I understand the desire to be a young mom more than most people my age. I completely get your point of view. I also understand doubts. And I can assure you that anyone, regardless of age is bound to have some doubts. If they don’t, they aren’t very realistic! As long as you two are financially secure, in love, and have went through some decent pre-marital counseling, I say go for it! 

Post # 6
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m pretty sure if you look at the stigma/statistics on young brides… most of the issue is actually with TEENAGE brides. (All of those statistics drastically improve right out of the ‘teen’ years)

You said you’re 20… so yes, you’re young.. but it really isn’t about the age IMO, it’s about the maturity level.

I think it’s normal to be nervous, even slightly scared (in a way), about taking such a big step… but that doesn’t mean he’s the wrong one or you aren’t ready, it just means you’re recognizing that it will be a big change in your life. All changes (good and bad) can make you nervous and a little scared!

Post # 7
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have been propose to 5 times before I met my Fiance. I said yes to the engagement but when I really got to know them I decided that it wasnt in my best interest to get married. When I have no doubt and the man is what I wanted and needed in a my life then I will go through with it and marry him.

I would not settle because I always knew what I deserve and didnt do what my friends thought I should because they got married (they are divorced now …except for one). I mentioned the above to give you some insight into wanting to get married when you are not ready or feeling that that is what you should be doing.

I got pregnant at 21 and I would not marry my daughter’s father they told me that I was making a big mistake blah, blah, blah…She is now 27 and a nurse so dont believe the hype.

I personally think you shouldnt be thinking in terms of marriage right now.

Post # 8
Member
3276 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I got engaged at 19 and I felt beyond ready, not an ounce of doubt ever. We both knew we were the one and didn’t feel young at all, no one said a word to us about being young. His mother married at 21 and they’ve been together over 25 years, my MOH’s parents married at 19 and have been together 30 years. It’s not an age thing it’s a maturity and ready thing. I agree if you have doubts don’t do it. In my community if you’re not married with a few kids by 23-24 people start talking, so I understand wanting to get married and have kids young, I was at least 2 by 25. The divorce rate is so high because people of all ages don’t take the commitment as seriously as they should. Don’t worry about divorce if you have the mindset that marriage is a serious commitment and you can’t just leave and forget your commitment. 

Post # 10
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Meglin:  You do sound very mature in your post, but I will say that the thing that stood out to me most was this:

I have always wanted to get married young and have children before the age of 25 since I want several children, and starting a family has always been the most important goal for my life (much more so than any career or travelling.)

If you’re thinking about getting married, just satisfy your desire to have kids soon, then that is not the right reason.  Yes, maybe you do love your SO, but is it the unconditional love that nothing can come between, nothing can break, and will last forever?  I agree, it’s important to marry someone with your same desires for kids, but the MARRIAGE is between you two and what is the focus now.  I think people sometimes instead focus more on the age they see themsevles doing things, how long they’ve been together, etc., versus the actual person they would be marrying.  Can you whole heartedly see yourself with your husband for the rest of your life, even if you two couldn’t have your own kids together?  What would you guys do then?
 
If you don’t think you could ever love another man the same way you love your SO, then I think that is how you know.

Post # 12
Member
3276 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Meglin:  the “in love” stage does fade, but it transforms into a mature, constant love with an unbreakable bond. The butterflies aren’t always there but that just shows the relationship is more than those starting stages with butterflies. I don’t have the butterflies anymore but I miss him like crazy when he’s gone, I make all my decisions based on the relationship, couldn’t imagine life without him, and share all our dreams and goals and if you feel that way then it seems like you are ready for marriage and the commitment. And when you take your vows just know it’s forever and no matter what happens it’s a lifelong commitment. Have faith in your marriage and don’t worry about what happens to other people. But if you feel you need more time to mature there is nothing wrong with that!

Post # 13
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Meglin:  I don’t think you need those butterflies every single day. That’s unrealistic. Some days you’ll be sick. Some days you’ll be stressed or he will, or life will get in the way.

I don’t think you’re being naive, but yeah, as you say, the stigma exists for a reason. Do you have the financial footing to get married and have kids? Are you happy with whatever job(s) you have as a couple or will you struggle once the kids come along? Money is hugely important in marriage.

I changed a lot between the age of 20 and 25. I am glad I had the experience of getting my degree and living alone. I could have done without the bad relationship I had for those years, but I learned from it.

There are pros and cons to getting married and having kids young, but I would say that there isn’t a rush just yet. Live a bit more and then see how you feel. Under 30 is pretty young to have kids these days.

 

Post # 14
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Butterflies fly away. Real long-term love is knowing that your partner is the one who you want to fight through all the tough stuff with. After many years of marriage, you probably won’t want to jump their bones constantly or spend much time laying in a field of wildflowers with them. But if you still genuinely like, respect, and trust that person, you’re doing fine.

My secular, practical suggestion: live together. Get used to each other. Have jobs. Get used to being adults. Go through some tough stuff together. Do NOT get married for a few years. Do NOT NOT NOT get pregnant. See if this is a workable partnership and then take the plunge for lifelong commitment. You’re only 20 — you’ve got a lot of babymaking years ahead even if you want to be a young wife and mother. 

 

Post # 15
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MadTownGirl:  You said exactly what I was going to say!  Don’t marry the guy because of the structure of life you want.  For those things to be what you want them to be, your groom needs to be more than a piece of the puzzle.

That said, if you’ve been with him this long and see him as the key ingredient to all of your happiness in the life yuo’ve described, then that’s how you know.  When it’s *his* kids you want, and not just children in general.  When your experiences with him are the ones you want to amplify, then you know.  I wouldn’t rush, at your age – you don’t want to take what you have and try to shoehorn it into what you’ve dreamed of, you want to marry someone who already makes you happy, and who would make your dreams both more real, and more dreamy all at once.

I guess what I would advise you to do is imagine the worst possible moments of your relationship, amplified.  Could you handle that in the future?  Could you stay committed?  Are you really in it for better and for worse?  I think you should feel giddy and in love when you’re thinking of marriage, but you also need to think about whether or not you can handle things going awry, and sticking to it anyway, fixing it, holding onto the good feelings.  If the bad is worth sticking through for the good, then you’ve probably got something.  Is the better worth the worse?  Is the health worth the possible sickness?  If yes, then you probably know. 

If you’ve got a little doubt, take your time, focus on having as much fun as possible with your partener, and enjoy being so young and in love!

Post # 16
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@village_skeptic:  +1000

Also, finish your education first.  Before you get married, and before you have kids.  If you’re confident in your relationship, marriage can wait till you’re set as your own person, with an education and job.  Even if you’re convinced you’ll last a lifetime, there are practical considerations.  Children are expensive.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you.  Even if your plan is to be a stay at home mom, things happen.  If he loses his job, gets hurt and can’t work, if gods forbid he dies in an accident, you NEED to be able to provide for yourself and future children. 

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