(Closed) Confront or just forget it?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

The ends always justify the means, in my opinion. If he wanted to protect his privacy, he should have logged out of his email on your laptop. He had no expectation of privacy. 

I say confront… and I’m not generally confrontational…just when it comes to matters of trust.  

Post # 4
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Honestly, no.  He made a decision to be with you.  Let the details go.  Rehashing them doesn’t make a difference (even thought the details were less than truthful).

If the FB connection is bringing up hurt/old feelings – I have no issues with you asking him to unfriend her.  Especially if his ‘guise’ is that he hates her – he should have no problem deleting her.

Just tell him that their connection makes you uncofortable and you’d prefer if they no longer had contact.

 

Post # 5
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

He’s not over her, so yes you should confront.

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I say in a marriage, everything should be open and on the table. I thnk it bothers you deeply and that is reason enough to discuss! You shouldn’t have to feel bad about open and honest communication.

Post # 7
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

Coulda, woulda, shoulda… it really would have been best if you had brought this up at the time. But that is all hindsight now.

If I were in your shoes, I would definitely bring it up. I would DEFINITELY not just forget it. Where there is smoke, there often is fire.

He’s your husband now, so I understand you have invested a great deal in this relationship. The Facebook message in and of itself is not something I would be  concerned with. I would be much much concerned with those emails from a couple of years ago.

If I were in your shoes I would probably have been tempted to threaten to leave as soon as I discovered those earlier emails.

On the other hand I have two girlfriends whose husbands cheated early in the marriage (I’m not saying your husband did actually cheat) — and their wives called them out on it, and those guys have gone on to be two of the greatest, most loving and loyal husbands around– as well as amazing fathers.

This is a tough situation you’re in, and I feel your pain.

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would confront him. Darling Husband and I have come clean about everything to each other no matter how much damage it caused in the present. Looking back, even though we had some ups and downs, and even some blow outs… establishing that honesty with each other was well worth it. I feel more secure, trusting and proud of our relationship than I ever have been.

It might stir up a little trouble, but if his heart is truly in the right place it will be worth it in the end. Most importantly you’ll feel better, wont be harboring any resentments and will have the freedom to fully trust in him again.

Post # 9
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

It might stir up a little trouble, but if his heart is truly in the right place it will be worth it in the end. Most importantly you’ll feel better, wont be harboring any resentments and will have the freedom to fully trust in him again.

 

Well said, LAGS.

Post # 10
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you should forget it at this point (with him)

Keep an eye on it though

Post # 11
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would be able to trust him completely, so I couldn’t take my vows without first having very honest and open discussions with him about it. 

If you can’t trust the man you are marrying, then you need to figure out how to.

Post # 13
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@SnoopyBee: I just re-read and saw that you are already married. 

I think that you owe it to yourself and your marriage to raise this with him and talk through it like adults.  I feel very strongly that nothing is “secret” between husband and wife, including e-mail.  The fact that you are worried about telling him that you “snooped” suggests that maybe you are afraid that he will turn this back on you, instead of dealing with your concerns.  If that is the case, all I can suggest is that you remain calm, rational and non-apologetic for reading your husband’s e-mail. 

 

Post # 14
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@SnoopyBee: I think you deserve an explanation too. I don’t think its fair that you’re bothered by it and think you owe it to yourself getting to the bottom of it so you can let all that go.

You obviously know your husband better than anyone here would, but do you think your going through his e-mail is something he’d be able to get over? I know Darling Husband and I had issues in the past like this (when we were still in our teens we were both guilty of a little snooping), and even though it ruffled some feathers, it was a secondary issue and was worked through pretty easily.

It sucks, because in a situation like that you know you were in the wrong and I can understand you hesitating admiting to guilt… but for the sake of being honest, its only fair you air your dirty laundry too (you’ll probably feel better for it). Maybe if you’re open about that and acknowledge that you were in the wrong it will help him feel like he can do the same?

Post # 15
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

Confront him. And I would be more concerned about him asking to video chat with someone who said they were naked right before than a “quick drunken grope”. Seems like a shady guy, sorry.

Post # 16
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

confront him for sure. if he hates her then apparently hes not ” over ” her yet. from my own knowledge the best wy to know if someone is really over someone else is if they dont really care about them.. wish them the best and move on with thier life… Im sorry.. but yea, do confront him.. good luck 🙁

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