Post # 1
Hello Bees, Coming here for some support and advice. Knowing how some on the bee are, please be kind. This is my real life.
So I’m a nurse and I work night shift, hence the timing of the post. I have had ups and downs with my fiance in the past year of our engagement. In April, I found he had a habit of recreationally using oxycodone which I was hurt and surprised to find out about. This resulted in me having an intervention with his family present and making a big deal out of it because hey, I’m an ER nurse and I don’t like treating drug overdoses. They suck; they’re sad. This did not need to be my fiance. Pain med use stopped. In May, I bought a house (my name on the deed alone) and we moved into it together. My fiance was so happy to have a home to fix up and work on rather than sitting in our apartment, bored. I thought this was a great thing for both of us to work on together. In July, we went to a concert and I met a girl there who I didn’t think anything of. She was about six years younger than my fiance and just over 21 (his brother’s age) and so he knew her through him. She was really not nice to me at all at the concert, which I thought was strange because that was our first time meeting and the other girl who we were chatting with she had no problem with. I thought she was cold so I complimented her on her eyes and she still clearly did not care for me. She was into drugs at the concert so I wrote it off. I found my fiance messaging her on his Facebook to get Valium a month or so later. I was pissed and I forbid him from talking to her. I even blocked her on his facebook. He unblocked her about a week later. I went through my fiance’s phone again when I was sending myself some photos from it (yes, I went through the phone, and yes, I told him I did). I was upset with him speaking to her and I told him so. He claimed that he didn’t talk with her anymore (I had seen the facebook messages but he would delete them when the conversation was over).
Bees, this is where I am supersleuth and bad fiancee of the year: I found my fiance’s old phone with his facebook app on it and was able to stalk him through there. I was able to charge it and brought it to work with me because I thought something was up after this weekend (my fiance went on a long weekend with friends and it was my bachelorett party). I happened to look at the facebook app at the exact moment they were messaging each other (the girl and my fiance). My fiance initiated the conversation, saying, “How was work tonight?” And she responded, to which they had a few messages of small talk and then my fiance asked, “Wanna get naughty tonight? :)” She replied, I already told you I can’t tonight hun, plus I have a migraine from work! But I promise we will one of these nights 😛 ” She said then she had to go to bed because of her migraine and my fiance concluded that he would speak to her in the morning. I added a dirty comment at the end, hoping to bait her response (unsuccessful). My fiance I know suspects me at this point because he asked for the password to my lap top at home. So I don’t think he has his story straight at this time but it is a possibility.
Now, this isn’t exact proof of anything but I was very upset. Devils advocate friend said maybe they haven’t done anything yet but I think the intention is just as bad. I was not allowed to leave work so my mind has been racing all night. I don’t necessarily want to drag him out of bed at 7 am when I’m off work but we do need to chat. I don’t know if I should involve my parents and get them to come to my house or if I should confront him first. He works second shift, so I could sleep for a while and then wake and talk with him, but who’s to say he wouldn’t just leave for work and then not come home? I bet he does that often because I am not even at home the nights when I work.
Obviously I am devastated and while I love him I recognize that this is not the life I want with someone who appears to be a pathological liar. I would just like some advice about confronting my fiance and moving toward cancelling our wedding which is three weeks away.
Thank you for reading!
Post # 2
Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. It will only get harder with marriage. You want to be with someone who doesn’t require you being a super sleuth. I don’t blame you at all for going through his phone. He’s proven to be a liar and addict. While cancelling a wedding 3 weeks out is going to be expensive and very difficult, getting divorced is going to suck worse.
He has shown you repeatedly who he is. It’s time to walk away.
Post # 3
Don’t get yourself dragged into a dramatic confrontation, whatever can be said at this point has the same end result that you are breaking up with him and he needs to move out from your house right away, right?
So the less said the better, you have recognised that your relationship is unhealthy and you are both turning into people you don’t want to be, he’s lying, you’re snooping, he’s denying, you’re trying to bait…
Keep it simple, it’s over, please move out. End and move on. And yes maybe you should have your parents there to make sure he packs his things and go.
There’s no big sit down discussion that needs to be happening here.
Post # 4
Omg you poor thing. I’m so sorry. Dump him! As soon as you can.
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time.
I think you answered your own question in the end, when you said “I recognize that this is not the life I want with someone who appears to be a pathological liar.” (For what it’s worth, I strongly feel that you’re making the right decision.) The next question becomes, given that you know this isn’t the life you want, what do you hope to gain out of a confrontation? What will make it easier for you to cope with this stressful time? Do you feel that you need a one-on-one conversation now? Or do you feel that calling in the troops (friends and family), and focusing on the logistics first will be best for you?
I would hate for a “confrontation” to turn into a messy emotional entanglement where you agree to give him another shot, given that you know it’s not what you want.
In your shoes, I would focus on protecting myself and my assets. Does he have access to any financial information? Do you have shared bills? If you ask him to, will he be willing to leave the house freely, or will you need to get a lawyer involved?
This is a pretty overwhelming situation, so consulting a trusted friend or family member or booking an hour with a therapist for the purpose of making a game plan sounds like a good first step.
Post # 6
I just wanted to add to what other bees have said here that you are NOT a bad fiancée for snooping. He’s already broken your trust multiple times, both around this girl and his drug abuse. I absolutely don’t blame you for looking further into this before you get married, especially as it sounds like you may be supporting him financially/putting a roof over his head (correct me if I’m wrong here, I may have misinterpreted).
Post # 7
I’m planning on calling my parents when I leave work this morning. One of them should be able to have some time today to come over to facilitate the process. I kind of wanted to tell his parents but I figure he gets to be the one to tell his parents how shitty of a person he is.
Post # 8
I also have reached out to my doctor to schedule a checkup! I would not even be shocked if I had something. I am a little heartbroken because I had actually requested an appointment yesterday for a prenatal check as I have been off birth control for a few months and we were going to try to get pregnant sooner than later. I don’t know what he was even thinking.
Post # 9
It sounds like you have made the right decision in leaving. You know you deserve better than to be treated this way. I say confront him when you get home, no point letting it stew any longer. I’m sorry this is happening to you so close to your wedding xx
Post # 10
- Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club
No you’re not wrong for going through his messages. I’m actually going to store the old cell phone trick for the future, if it’s ever necessary. Yes, you should wake him up. If your like me, you won’t be able to sleep so get it off your chest. However, I don’t understand the parent thing? Why do you need them there? This is your relationship, you know what to do, to me this should be a one-on-one conversation between you and Fiance.
Post # 11
I feel that way as well. I texted my mom asking her to call me when she gets up. Really I want to talk with my dad. Part of me wants my parents to be waiting outside because I want my fiance to have to look my dad in the eye. But at the same time what I expect will happen is he will be upset that I called him and and storm out. It will be a short conversation. I just don’t want him to ruin anything in the house on the way out, seeing as that and all the things in it are mine. He can be the one to return the wedding gifts to his side of the family as far as I’m concerned.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry this happened to you 🙁 Thank god it happened though before you got married. I know that feels impossible and horrible right now but one day you will look back and think exactly that as well. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them. You seem seem very mature and intelligent and you have a great job and a house in your name – you have so much going for you and your future is bright – this is his huge loss! I hope you have a great supportive family and friends that you can lean on at this time. You may never get a full confession of his actions but those messages show enough guilt. Sending you lots of love and strength at this time xxo
Post # 13
Woah bee, the intention isn’t as bad, it’s WORSE! Look, people make mistakes, and if he’d drunkenly flirted with her but owned up to it right away after and felt really, really awful about it, that would be forgivable. This guy WANTS to cheat, and he’s much more concerned about you not finding out than not hurting your feelings.
Honestly, I’d run if I were you. You sound like you work so hard for your life and your home, you deserve 10000x better! I send you hugs, this is heartbreaking..
Post # 14
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but SO glad you found out before the wedding, and (hopefully) before getting pregnant!! Yikes!!
Do you have any joint accounts or joint assets that you need to protect? Thank goodness his name is not on your house title!
I think he is more likely to deny any wrongdoing, shut down emotionally, and leave if your parents are present. If you want emotional closure (i.e., for him to explain “why” or something), then it might be better to have a 1:1 conversation. If you don’t want him to open up about anything or admit anything, then I think you’re probably making a safe choice by having your parents there.
Post # 15
You poor, poor thing, sounds like you have a sensible plan in place to get him and out and get yourself checked out. This should not happen to people who are supposedly in love, I am so sorry. Big hugs. Stay strong. He’s a fucking idiot.