(Closed) Confronting a cheating fiance

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard.  It will only get harder with marriage. You want to be with someone who doesn’t require you being a super sleuth. I don’t blame you at all for going through his phone. He’s proven to be a liar and addict. While cancelling a wedding 3 weeks out is going to be expensive and very difficult, getting divorced is going to suck worse. 

He has shown you repeatedly who he is. It’s time to walk away. 

Post # 3
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Don’t get yourself dragged into a dramatic confrontation, whatever can be said at this point has the same end result that you are breaking up with him and he needs to move out from your house right away, right?

So the less said the better, you have recognised that your relationship is unhealthy and you are both turning into people you don’t want to be, he’s lying, you’re snooping, he’s denying, you’re trying to bait…

Keep it simple, it’s over, please move out. End and move on. And yes maybe you should have your parents there to make sure he packs his things and go.

There’s no big sit down discussion that needs to be happening here.

Post # 4
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Omg you poor thing. I’m so sorry. Dump him! As soon as you can. 

Post # 5
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time.

I think you answered your own question in the end, when you said “I recognize that this is not the life I want with someone who appears to be a pathological liar.” (For what it’s worth, I strongly feel that you’re making the right decision.) The next question becomes, given that you know this isn’t the life you want, what do you hope to gain out of a confrontation? What will make it easier for you to cope with this stressful time? Do you feel that you need a one-on-one conversation now? Or do you feel that calling in the troops (friends and family), and focusing on the logistics first will be best for you?

I would hate for a “confrontation” to turn into a messy emotional entanglement where you agree to give him another shot, given that you know it’s not what you want.

In your shoes, I would focus on protecting myself and my assets. Does he have access to any financial information? Do you have shared bills? If you ask him to, will he be willing to leave the house freely, or will you need to get a lawyer involved?

This is a pretty overwhelming situation, so consulting a trusted friend or family member or booking an hour with a therapist for the purpose of making a game plan sounds like a good first step.

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

I just wanted to add to what other bees have said here that you are NOT a bad fiancée for snooping. He’s already broken your trust multiple times, both around this girl and his drug abuse. I absolutely don’t blame you for looking further into this before you get married, especially as it sounds like you may be supporting him financially/putting a roof over his head (correct me if I’m wrong here, I may have misinterpreted). 

Post # 9
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It sounds like you have made the right decision in leaving. You know you deserve better than to be treated this way. I say confront him when you get home, no point letting it stew any longer. I’m sorry this is happening to you so close to your wedding xx

Post # 10
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club

No you’re not wrong for going through his messages. I’m actually going to store the old cell phone trick for the future, if it’s ever necessary. Yes, you should wake him up. If your like me, you won’t be able to sleep so get it off your chest. However, I don’t understand the parent thing? Why do you need them there? This is your relationship, you know what to do, to me this should be a one-on-one conversation between you and Fiance. 

Post # 12
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

 

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nurseratchet :  I’m so sorry this happened to you 🙁 Thank god it happened though before you got married. I know that feels impossible and horrible right now but one day you will look back and think exactly that as well. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them. You seem seem very mature and intelligent and you have a great job and a house in your name – you have so much going for you and your future is bright – this is his huge loss! I hope you have a great supportive family and friends that you can lean on at this time. You may never get a full confession of his actions but those messages show enough guilt. Sending you lots of love and strength at this time xxo

Post # 13
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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nurseratchet :  Woah bee, the intention isn’t as bad, it’s WORSE! Look, people make mistakes, and if he’d drunkenly flirted with her but owned up to it right away after and felt really, really awful about it, that would be forgivable. This guy WANTS to cheat, and he’s much more concerned about you not finding out than not hurting your feelings.

Honestly, I’d run if I were you. You sound like you work so hard for your life and your home, you deserve 10000x better! I send you hugs, this is heartbreaking..

Post # 14
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
nurseratchet :  I’m so sorry you are going through this, but SO glad you found out before the wedding, and (hopefully) before getting pregnant!! Yikes!!

Do you have any joint accounts or joint assets that you need to protect? Thank goodness his name is not on your house title!

I think he is more likely to deny any wrongdoing, shut down emotionally, and leave if your parents are present. If you want emotional closure (i.e., for him to explain “why” or something), then it might be better to have a 1:1 conversation. If you don’t want him to open up about anything or admit anything, then I think you’re probably making a safe choice by having your parents there.

Post # 15
Hostess
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
nurseratchet :  You poor, poor thing, sounds like you have a sensible plan in place to get him and out and get yourself checked out. This should not happen to people who are supposedly in love, I am so sorry. Big hugs. Stay strong. He’s a fucking idiot.

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