(Closed) Confronting a cheating fiance

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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nurseratchet :  I’m so sorry that this is happening to you! Like others have said, you are making the right decision. He clearly is an addict, and as such is too selfish to ever truly love you, or anyone really – so I’m glad you’re getting out now!

Are you expecting issues? If so, this may be extreme, but you can request the presence of a police officer as well :/. 

Post # 17
Member
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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nurseratchet :  Don’t bring your parents into it. It is neither their or your jobs to help him feel shame or remorse or anything of that nature. Nor is that something you force something to feel either. Your priority right now is taking care of yourself.

Relationships just should not be this…hard. It is not healthy, it is not normal, it is not very fulfilling either. A relationship where you are too busy worrying about your partner cheating, or using drugs again, does not leave much room for either personal or relationship growth or genuine intimacy.

I don’t think there is much to “confront” him about. You know what he has done. Even if he has not slept with her yet it is clear he is courting that eventuality. He is still an active addict if he is seeking drugs and still hiding it, just like he hid the oxycodone until you found out in April. It is time to just end it. Period. I am not sure where you are, but you should also contact a lawyer as it is possible he is considered a tenant in your home and you may need to do an eviction process if he is not prepared to just leave.

If you want someone there I recommend a friend (preferably a large male one) who can be outside the room (not to your FIs knowledge) as you end it. If he starts destroying property or threatening you: your friend should call the police immediately. Also have your phone in hand and be ready to call 911 yourself – set the number in your phone as Police and have Siri call 911 for you if you need.

Post # 18
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

 

I’m sorry girl. This is beyond shitty.

I don’t want to freak you out…but you may have to look into tenant laws if he refuses to move out. You’d have to serve him a formal eviction notice and give him a date. If he just goes then you’re fine but just keep this in the back of your head god forbid. 

If you can, take screenshots of the facebook messages and send them to yourself. 

After he leaves, be sure to check your house throughly for drugs and change your locks. Change your passwords on everything – computer, social media, bank accounts, anything he might have access to or might be able to guess. 

I know you must be hurting so much right now. I promise you it gets better. Whenever you feel down, remind yourself that you got out of this mess before it would have gotten really messy – divorce, children, etc. You’re doing the right thing.

Post # 19
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Looking - Again...

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nurseratchet :  You know what you have to do.  Starting a relationship out with mistrust will never work in the long term.  It really sucks you had to find out this way, but it is better to find out now instead of three months after being married.

And on the Bad girl note.  I think what you have done is fine.  My SO and I have a deal that we can look at eithers cell or computer at any time.  If you have nothing to hide, why hide

Post # 20
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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nurseratchet :  First off… hugs to you.

You were grasping at straws to save a relationship that he left months ago.

It takes a lot of strength to stand up and say… I was wrong, he IS NOT the man I thought he was. Props to you!!! You are making the right choice and the right plan.

I would change the locks the next time he is at work, place his things in a box and leave them on the porch or leave them at his parents… or at the curb, where trash belongs.

Post # 21
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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nurseratchet : so he is planning to cheat on you (continue to cheat on you) three weeks before you get married? Girl, you know what you have to do. You have the cancel this wedding. As heartbreaking as this is, it is so much better for you in the long run. This man has some serious growing up to do. To be frank, and I don’t even know you, but you’re too good for him. 

Post # 22
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I would be kicking him out of MY house so fast his head would be spinning…

Who cares whether or not they have done anything yet, what are you gonna wait until he does?! He tried to cheat on you!! Good riddance to him!

Post # 23
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh please for the love of god cancel the wedding. You will sorely regret going through with it, HE IS A MISTAKE. Please please have the self respect to dump him. I would handle this yourself with out parents. Let him explain to his side. If they ask you, tell him the truth. I beg you to not work through this or give him the benefit of the doubt or justify this in ANY way. He is a scumbag. If you cant keep it in your pants 3 weeks before your freaking wedding, you NEVER will.

Post # 24
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry bee. He doesn’t deserve you! I know it’s hard but you’re doing the right thing by confronting him and moving on. I’m glad that you have your parents close by for support. Please keep us updated and stay strong!

Post # 25
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Sorry you are going through this. Even if he is not cheating (yet) the intent is there for wrongdoing and you do not want to go through life with a man you clearly cannot trust. His drug issues are raising a major red flag 🙁

Post # 26
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s a pillhead that is activly trying to cheat on you. Don’t sign up for a lifetime with this loser. Cut your losses and find someone who will treat you right.

Leaving him is the only option and the right choice.

Post # 27
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree, the intention to cheat alone is just as bad as the act.  I don’t see a reason to get parents involved.  This isn’t another intervention, this is between you and your Fiance.  This would be a deal breaker for me.  

Post # 28
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

My ex-fiance cheated on me and was struggling with depression. After I found out he was cheating, I wrote a letter, explaining my feelings (I’m much better at writing than speaking) and gave him a list of 3 things he needed to do to prove to me that he wanted our relationship to continue and wanted to marry me. He agreed but, after 3 months, hadn’t done any of the 3 things, so I broke up with him. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I’m SO glad I did because I’m now with the person I think I was always meant to be. Good luck, bee!

Post # 29
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This is just a random sidenote, but why would you bring your parents into this? Please don’t do that. This is your marriage, deal with it (I would leave but what you decide to do is your personal choice) and then tell them about it after if you want.

Post # 30
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

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RayKay :  All of this advice is spot-on.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it must be devastating. You have done all you can do for him, but he is an addict and a dishonest person. Not a good basis for a healthy, satisfying relationship, and not a good situation for kids if you do want to have them. I think you made the right call by leaving him, as hard as it must be. Big hugs.

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