(Closed) Confronting Bridesmaid–Please Help

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Find out what she has to say tonight. Maybe she is backing out and then your problem is solved. And if not, you should tell her about your concerns (that she’s been unreliable and hard to reach) and ask her if she still wants to be a part of your bridal party. If you give her the option to step down (which it sounds like she wants to do anyway), maybe your friendship can be salvaged in the future. If you kick her out, there is probably no saving it.

Post # 4
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I always approach these sorts of questions with a question back–what do you have to lose or gain from sharing your feelings with this person? Sharing your own feelings, especially ones that paint her in a negative light, will only help if you think the quality of the friendship is such that she will be able to hear you and want to work through it too.  I’ve had too many friendships where the other person just didn’t want the same level of honesty and openness that I did and it really hurt to work up the courage to try and carefully explain my feelings, only to have the other person not want to acknowledge a problem or be accountable as a friend. 

I would listen to whatever she has to say tonight.  The bridesmaid that I dropped from my wedding party dropped right out of my life, but yours is a sister of another bridesmaid so I assume you’d be inviting her to the wedding regardless and that some information about the wedding will continue to get back to her throughout the engagement.  That makes things a little trickier.  Hear her out and if you see a way to drop her out, I would honestly do it.  I couldn’t have been more relieved to have that tension gone from my life after I went through it.  

 

Post # 5
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry this has to happen to you.  I would be really upfront with her.  If she isn’t feeling up to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then let her know that while it certainly is disappointing, you understand and will not put it against her.  There might be a lot of things going on in her life that is affecting her.  Listen to what she says open heartedly and speak to her about how you feel.

You probably can’t avoid her feeling a bit uncomfortably and hissy about this.  But I think in the long run, you’d want to be able to make the right choice and you want someone who is supportive and positive next to you on your wedding day.  There’s a chance you won’t be able to salvage the friendship if it has to be that way, but if she was a true friend, she would try her best to understand from your point of view.

Best of luck and hope everything turns out well!

Post # 6
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m interested to hear what she has to say. Sounds like it’s "a talk" in which case she might actually be backing out. Her behavior would really be upsetting me as well, especially the whole dress situation since it sounds like you’ve been so accomodating. See how the convo goes, and if you feel like you need to voice some concerns then go for it, just try to do it in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re attacking her. If nothing gets resolved over the phone, then I say wait however many days she has until it’s too late to order her dress and then, if she doesn’t (which it sounds like she won’t) you have a totally legit excuse to drop her.

Let us know how it goes. Good Luck!

Post # 8
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh wow! None of us saw that coming, hey? To be honest something happens with pregnancies where support and honesty really start to matter to people (the pregnant woman and those close to her).  Maybe in all the feelings she’s been going through about this she’s come to a bit of a realization that you’re one of her only really true friends.  I am assuming this pregnancy was not planned, and if her personal life is a little all-over-the-place right now then that could be why she was really dropping the ball as a bridesmaid.  Whatever the reason, there’s no point in bringing up your dissatisfaction with her participation in the wedding if there’s a good chance she won’t be in it anyway.  Maybe down the line sometime you can discuss it with her but for now I’d wait and see what happens. 

Post # 9
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

NO your not being unreasonalble. Im going through a similiar situation and totally feel your pain and frustration.  Ask her if she wants to be in the wedding or not. Shape up or ship out thats what i told mine.

Post # 10
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

That was so good of you to be so kind and supportive of her and LETTING her talk and get things off her chest.

See?  She may have been preoccupied with something else the last month (like worrying over getting her period and contemplating life choices) and I can totally understand it.  Even when I was married to my x for 2 years and planning our child, it was a sobering moment when I found out I truly WAS pregnant for it’s a total 100 percent life changing experience from that second forward!

Keep her close as a friend and I think her confiding in you with such a heavy personal issue tells of her love for you.  I’d leave it open.  If she feels like being in the wedding, great.  Don’t encourage her not too just because she’s pregnant.  I wonder why everybody does not want a pregnant bridesmaid (not saying you don’t) because most brides to be will end up moms anyway as life would have it.   I was a pregnant bridesmaid and everybody was ok with it and kinda thought I was cute!

When I was a pregnant bm in one of my friends’ weddings I asked her if she really wanted me in the wedding being a bit pregnant (and showing definitely).  She said “Nah , it’s a circle of life kinda thing and people will just wonder if you put on 20 pounds but I think you’re cute”.  I was her friend. And big belly or not, (yes I held my bouquet over my belly ) I looked fairly good in that darn dress!  

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