Post # 1
On many occasions, at fmily get togethers, and most recently at the first visit to our new home, my Future Sister-In-Law has found a way to throw in the words “We just wish we knew you better.” She usually continues by explaining how all of the sisters in their family married someoene they grew up with or who’s family was in their same community so knew who they were. They all married the person they “went” with right after highschool. I understand that they all grew up in a city where if you know a few people you know at least one person who knows another etc. But after 2 years now, 2 christmas’s, thanksgivings, many family get togethers, my engagement party, buying a home with their brother (I could go on) how much MORE do they expect to know me? Or is this just a way of them saying they don’t like me? Or are they just so used to their way where everyone has known everyone their entire lives that someone from another area is out of their comfort zone? And furthermore, is it just me, or is this thinking on their part rather narrow-minded…? Cause to be honest just as “odd” as it is to them that that that someone would marry a person from another community, I find it concerning that someone would think it’s wise to marry their highschool sweetheart, without a second thought. Thoughts?
Post # 3
My guess is that she just doesn’t know you as well as the other SILs and she is expressing an interest in spending more time with you to get to know you better.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
They sound small town. Can you make an effort to get to know them better? Facebook, going for tea… anything?
Post # 5
There is a whole lot of ranting on this board today. Makes me feel better that it’s not just me!!
I think she’s basically begging to spend some quality time with you.
Post # 6
It is kind of irritating that you’re made to feel like you’re at a lower level or something just because you didn’t go to their high school or anything. But she might not mean it offensively, she might just be trying to reach out to you and doesn’t exactly know how. I know that I’d like to be closer to my SIL, I don’t have any sisters so she’s the closest thing, but I always feel kinda awkward asking her to hang out. I’d suggest calling her up one day and asking her if she wants to do lunch or something so the two of you can hang out, talk, and get to know eachother better.
Post # 8
@MrsLulu: I am the only SIL! My Fiance is an only boy of four girls. That’s why I’m, wondering-maybe they just don’t know how to feel about welcoming another woman into the family.
Post # 9
I would clarify what she means first.
” Do you really want to know me better? If so, we can do that. Let’s set a date to have lunch, go shopping, go for a walk etc- whatever appeals to you. If that’s not what you mean, I am asking you to please stop saying that. There is nothing that I can do to change the fact that I didn’t grow up with you. When you say that, I feel that I will never measure up.”
Post # 10
@julies1949: Thats along the lines of what I was thinking. For one, her and I have nothing in common, so I’m thinking it’s not that she’s actually dying to be be friends. I feel how you said -there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I didn’t go to your highschool, so moving on lets talk about actual things we have in common. ugh.
Post # 11
@punkin83: Sometimes my Mother-In-Law says, “I don’t know you that well…” when she gives me a gift or something of that ilk. I’m not sure if she is saying that to excuse a possibly mismatched gift for my personality, but I feel a little twinge of hurt when she reminds me of that, considering I have told her quite a bit about me over the years. But I also understand that we live in separate states, so the conversations are choppy, and there isn’t much continuity in our relationship.
I think she feels sad that we aren’t closer. Maybe your SIL is feeling the same way? I know it is an irritant / hurtful to hear that you aren’t close to the rest of the family, but that might be her way of asking you to bridge the gap in some way.
Post # 12
That is certainly annoying! But I agree with PP above. If she says it again, I would respond with something like, “I would love to get to know you better as well – why don’t we grab lunch (dinner, go shopping, etc.) this weekend!” That will make her put up or shut up! 🙂
Post # 13
I would probably just say something like “Well okay, what do you want to know” but that go over better in some circles than others.
Post # 14
@julies1949: This might sound a little too hostile, especially for someone from a small town who isn’t used to getting to know new people. I’d say something more like “Let’s make a date then, where shall we go?” And I’d put in an honest effort to get to know the Future Sister-In-Law. Chances are, she’s well-meaning and just doesn’t have the same social style as the OP. My brother’s wife is kind of the same way; she’s really sweet, and nice as pie, and while I don’t really know her well (they’ve lived at least 400 miles away since they got married many years ago) I don’t have any reason to think she doesn’t like me…. but she’s got a completely different social presence and communication style that sometimes really confuses me.
Give her the benefit of the doubt.
Post # 15
Since she says it often enough, I would come up with some sort of response. If she IS saying it just be to narrow-minded about the whole thing, and you really have no desire in spending time with her, I’d say something along the lines of: “let’s not dwell on the past and focus on the present and the future”
Have you noticed if anything in particular triggers her comment? Like – being surprised at your taste or having to explain some sort of history/back-story, etc?