Post # 1
Hello Bee’s! I’m a some what regular poster on here, but my boyfriend’s [I’ll call him Joe] family knows I’m on here and don’t want them to know this.
So my best friend in the entire world happens to be a guy [I’ll call him Mike]. We have a weird relationship. He is like my brother in so many ways, but he has a sick/sexual sense of humor. This sometimes leads to inappropriate texts between us BUT we both know that nothing would EVER happen between us. Over this past weekend was one of those conversations. Well Joe came home from work after I had fallen asleep on Sunday night and my phone was frozen with the light on, so he tried to turn it off. When he got into my phone the conversation with Mike was open and he read everything. He waited until the next morning to tell me that he went through my phone. I tried to tell him that NOTHING happened and it was all a joke and that’s just how Mike is So now he doesn’t trust me at all. He told me that if I don’t stop talking to Mike that he won’t be able to handle it, and we’ll have to break up. I told him that I couldn’t give him his answer right away and that I needed to think about it. He said that was like a slap in the face and that was my answer right there and that if I made him choose that it would be me in a heartbeat. Everytime my phone goes off I get “who’s that? are you talking to Mike? that better not be Mike!” and when I say its someone else he says he doesn’t believe me so I have to prove it’s not Mike. I guess I would feel better about having to choose if something DID happen between Mike and I, but nothing has. It really all was a “joke”. I agree the texts probably went too far, but I would never ever cheat on him. So now I’m stuck choosing between my boyfriend of 5 years or my best friend of 9 years. Either way I’m losing someone that means everything to me.
I really don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess just somewhere to vent since I’m not allowed to talk to my best friend =[
Thanks for reading!
Post # 3
Can you tell us what the texts said? Would you be okay with him texting just a friend of his those same things? I also think your boyfriend should be your best friend and that the choice should be easy for you to make, if it’s not then I dunno…
Post # 4
I’m really sorry you are in this position.
It is our individual responsiblity to never do anything that compromises or draws into question our dedication and respect of the relationship.
I understand why your boyfriend is upset and without knowing exactly what you said to your best friend, I see your boyfriends point of view. I’m sorry 🙁
Post # 5
Um, I agree with your boyfriend. When in a relationship, conversations like that need to stop. That is just highly inappropiate. You can still talk to your friend, but keep it mild and tell this friend that he needs to stop talking that way.
Post # 6
Agree with the other PP’s.
Post # 7
@AtornBee: Oh, that sucks! I’m so sorry for you. But try to see it from your boyfriend’s perspective. Would you want him joking with any girl in that way? Prolly not . . .
It was innocent and got misconstrued, which is unfortunate. Would your friend be able to talk to your boyfriend and apologize, and explain that it was all nothing but a joke?
I feel for you, this is a tough one. But I’m sure you’ll be able to get past it, at least I hope so.
From now on I think you’ll have to be strict on the friend and make sure he’s respectful of the relationship between you and your boyfriend by not texting sexual-sounding things. I wish you the best!
Post # 8
In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how long you have known a friend of the opposite sex. When you or the friend enter a relationship, boundaries need to change. I have a very close male friend whom I used to sleep at his house (never hooked up) all the time in the same bed, we would cuddle and text each other for any reason all hours of the night. However, anytime one or the other was in a relationship, all of this behavior would stop because it is inappropriate for people in relationships to be doing this.
I think you should ask yourself if you woudl be upset if you found similar messages on your boyfriends phone. I know I would be – I don’t hold my fi to a higher standard than I hold myself.
Post # 9
I agree with all of the other posters. When you are in a relationship, there shouldn’t be any inappropriate conversations with anyone, even if it’s your best friend. I also have a guy best friend but we know our boundaries. If your boyfriend is that important to you, you’ll respect his wishes.
Post # 10
How is this sexual texting any different from flirting? Is there a difference?
Post # 11
I have a good male friend like this, who is just a character and is always saying/texting what from anyone else would seem inappropriate, so I sort of know where you’re coming from with Mike. I was friends with him before Darling Husband, and I think when Darling Husband first heard/saw some of the things this friend did, he was a bit taken aback. But I was always really open about any texts I received and as Darling Husband saw that my friend was like this with EVERYONE (including DH!) he started to feel a bit more at ease about it.
Does Mike direct this attention only to you, or is it to others as well?
Really, I see both sides, but ultimately, if Joe feels a line has been crossed, well… perception is reality and that’s something you may have to accept if you want to keep Joe.
Post # 12
Yeesh. This is a mess.
To go along with the other PP’s, how would you feel if the roles were reveresed?
I bet you would flip out too, even if this super inappropriate texting was with his “best friend”
And honestly, for you even say you had to think about it when your Fiance asked you to choose is kind of crapy. Given, your Fiance should never make you choose but I would choose my Fiance over any friend in a heartbeat and the fact that you didn’t probably just made the situation worse.
I think you need to talk to your friend and tell him to knock it off and maybe not talk to him for awhile and see if your Fiance clams down. Sex is a HUGE thing in a relationship so to even mess around with sexual texts with someone who is not your Fiance is really crappy and it would hurt my heart if my Fiance did that to me.
I think you need to think about where your priorities are and who they are with.
Post # 13
Did you know how your Boyfriend or Best Friend felt about your texts before this happened? Or is this the first time he’s seen/found out about them?
Post # 14
I’m sorry but I absolutely disagree with PP’s. I don’t know what the conversation was, but unless you were discussing the two of you having sex, or bashing your Fiance, I don’t see the big deal. My best friend is a guy. A single older man and he is truly my BFF and we talk about EVERYTHING. Never in a million years would I stop speaking to him, and we’ve each ended relationships with people who couldn’t handle our close friendship. Fiance knows this, and is fine with it. BFF and I often hang out and have ‘dates’ for dinner or we’ll hang out at each others house, including once when Fiance was out of town. I’m not saying you should leave your Fiance, but I don’t think anyone has a right tell you who you can be friends with. That is IMO very controlling. You two need to talk about this, about WHY he’s feeling threatened.
Post # 15
@MerryWidow: So you would be ok with your Fiance talking with another girl about sick/sexual things? Yes, we don’t know what the conversation was, but obviously it was enough for her boyfriend to ask her to cut ties with someone he realizes is her best friend. IMO, there has to be boundaries in every relationship or it’s just not going to work.
Post # 16
Ick. What an unfortunate situation. I understand your side – I, too, have a friend sort of like Mike. He’s terrible inappropriate but nothing would ever happen so I understand how you can have harmless texts like that.
However, I can also understand why it makes your Boyfriend or Best Friend uncomfortable. I mean, even though it’s harmless, it’s still inappropriate. I think the best solution is to explain the situation to Mike and to stop those kinds of conversations. I would also apologize to Joe and see if this an acceptable solution for him (maybe have Mike apologize as well since it sounds like they are friends too).
Honestly though, if my Boyfriend or Best Friend EVER made me choose between them and someone else I care about I would dump him. If you don’t trust me or accept my friends then I don’t want to be with you. I’m up for discussions and putting limits on things (like no private dinners with ex’s or inappropriate joking) but I won’t put up with ultimatums. This is just me though. I’d also be pissed he went through my phone.