Post # 1
So my Fiance and I have hit our first speedbump in the wedding planning process. Where do we get married???
Here’s some background: my Fiance is a Catholic. He does not go to church very often and there are some things about the Catholic beliefs that he does not agree with, but he was baptized and raised Catholic. His mom was Luthern but converted to marry FI’s dad. I was raised as a Baptist and was baptized at the age of 14. The year after, my parents started attending a non-denominational church and my parents became full-time missionaries. Since I have been out on my own I have not attended a church full-time but I have some strong beliefs, as well as a strong biblical upbringing.
We decided that we would choose his church to get married in since I did not have a regular church, and also because his parents (mostly his dad) said they would like it if we were married there. I thought that it would not be a problem for me.
Thursday we met with my FI’s priest. I was so nervous because I had no idea what to expect as I have never attended a Catholic wedding before. There were some things that the priest said that bothered me. A couple of the issues were faith related and went totally against what I believe. Some other issues were the fact that we can only have certain readings and certain music. It seemed like there is no room for personalization at all. My Fiance told me afterwards that he knows that I want certain things at my wedding (one being acapella singers. Lol) and if we are not allowed them at his church, then we will find somewhere else. He said he wanted me to have the wedding that I dream of (Sweet! Love this man!).
One of the biggest issues was that the priest leads the couple down to the front to marry them. Meaning that that there is no “giving away fo the bride.” There is no way that I can take that away from my father! I WANT my father to walk me down the aisle! Yesterday evening (Saturday) we went to mass at my Fiance church. While there, I was thinking about the wedding in the church and I got a very uneasy feeling. I guess I feel that I can’t get married in a church that I am not comfortable in, don’t understand or share the same beliefs.
So, I guess I am looking for advice. What do we do now? I told my Fiance that I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of getting married in the Catholic church and he seemed disapointed. How do we move forward from here? I don’t have a home church and I want my Fiance to feel comfortable in the place we choose. Do we just start trying out different churches or call around and see which church would even marry us as we are not members? Do I just suck it up and get married in my FI’s church? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
If I were you I would look around at other churches together to find one that made you both happy. Marriage is a compromise, and the wedding is no different. In the end if you can’t come to an agreement together one of you is going to have to suck it up. Sorry, I don’t know what else to say!! Good luck!!!
Post # 4
Not knowing your area please forgive me if I suggest something that will not work for you.
I would try attending several differen churches together as a couple. Two denominations that come to mind as a good compromise are Lutheran and United Methodist. They are what is termed “high church” and may be churches that the whole combined family could feel comfortable in. Future Father-In-Law would probably not be happy if you picked something like Assembly of God or Baptist I am guessing. But the formalized worship of a UM or Luthern church would maybe appease him.
Another option is to not get married in a church at all but rather hire someone from the outside to perform your ceremony.
A third option is both of you convert to some other religion and then everyone can be mad at you equally :p. I have a feeling that this is going to be a touchy subject in the families.Hang tough and weather all of life’s storms together. Dont ever let family squabbles divide you.
Post # 5
Do you feel uncornfortable in that church because of the beliefs or because of the music/your father beeing able to give you away etc?
If it is for the beliefs, the only option is to look for something else.
If it is for music etc: I got married in a catholic church and my father “gave me away”. We did not have a capella music but I think the issue would be about what music/songs you chose, not who sings it. And even then, it depends A LOT on the officiants: some are more lenients than others. So perhaps speaking to this specific priest explaining what you want could be a solution. Or finding another priest.
Post # 6
@MissPixie: I’m Catholic and I’ve been to many Catholic weddings. In all of them the bride walked down with her father. Are you sure they can’t compromise on that issue? Also, I don’t see why they couldn’t have a capella singers–although you couldn’t use secular music.
But yeah, you can’t really change the music or the vows. I just finished my pre-cana marriage prep weekend and they talked about the vows and how the words were chosen for a reason repeatedly, haha.
Post # 7
I don’t advise you get married in a church that isn’t true to either of you. It’s like starting the marriage on a lie. Just get married an outdoor park, or find an events faciity and have it there. Why does it have to be in a church? If God is in your heart, then he’ll be there wherever you marry.
God said that “wherever two join in my name, i am among them.” So seems to me, you can do it anywhere you please.
Post # 8
Be very, very cautious here. If your Fiance does not get married in the Catholic Church, yourmarriage will not be recognized. It will create problems. Don’t ask me how I know. I only mention it because I was the same way – I didn’t want to get married in a church that had beliefs that contradicted my faith. I just want you to know it won’t get any better and will most likely get worse unless you “compromise” but getting married in your FI’s church. BUt of course only you can decide if it’s worth it to you or not.
Anyway, that does seems strange the priest walks the couple down the aisle. I’ve been to (and been in) Catholic weddings where the father of the bride definitely walks her down. So I’m wondering if there’s any wiggle room there.
Post # 9
@MissPixie: I am Catholic and my fiance’ is Christian, we decided to do our wedding in a non denominational church of Christ. I really think that you shouldn’t do it in a Catholic church especially since you aren’t Catholic to begin with. You would need to get baptized, first communioun, and confirmation with the Catholic church. Marriage is one of the sacraments in Catholicism, your fiance’ should recognize that you don’t plan on attending Catholic church in the future. As far as your dad not being able to walk you down the aisle I have never heard of that before and I have attended many Catholic weddings. Marriage is a compromise and the actual place of your wedding shouldn’t necessarily matter as long as it’s in front of God. Look for different churches and possibly reconsider. Good luck on your journey.
Post # 10
Re: the couple walking down the aisle together…it’s something that is technically in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, but not many churches follow. We chose to go that route, but there were a number of other factor in play and our church let us choose. Perhaps ask the priest why he does it this way, and push beyond just “It’s in the Catechism.”
Post # 11
@Lisandrag16: You don’t need to become a Catholic to get married in a Catholic church.
Post # 12
@starrynight: You have to have proof of baptism/confirmation/etc from a catholic church. You can’t just stroll in there and get married without those things, trust me. My fiance’ is Christian his father is a deacon for the Catholic Church and this is something we heavily discussed. We had to get married in a non denominational church.
Post # 13
@Lisandrag16: This is not true. A Catholic can marry a non-Catholic Christian in the Catholic church as long as they have been baptized. Sounds like you got some bad information, or perhaps your Fiance was baptized Mormon or some other denomination that isn’t recognized.
Post # 14
I echo everyone else here…time to find a new church! One that you will both be comfortable with.
@Lisandrag16: My Lutheran mother married my Catholic father in 1974 in a Catholic church (her Lutheran church wouldn’t marry them because my dad was Catholic.). It’s absolutely plausible that specific churches may have rules that adhere to, but my mom was not baptized OR confirmed in the Catholic church.
Post # 15
I was raised Baptist as well and my fiance Catholic but he no longer practices or claims the catholic religion, we go to a non denominational christian church and love it! I could never have gotten married under the Catholic religion, I don’t agree with the majority of it.
I suggest trying out some churchs and see how your fiance feels about them. If he doesn’t practice the catholic religion then why does he care?
Post # 16
@Lisandrag16: You are very misinformed unfortunately 🙁 Catholics can marry anyone… you don’t even have to be baptized. There is a special permission you have to get called a “dispensation.” It isn’t hard to get, you just have to ask. Catholics marry Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and atheists in the Catholic Church all the time. You can go on the US Catholic Bishop’s conference website and it says it right there. I’m so sorry that someone gave you bad information!! 🙁