Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We met when I was 21 (the summer between my junior and senior year of college) and when he was 23. Since we both hadn’t had other relationships we got attached to each other very early on. He told me he loved me within a few weeks and that he wanted us to get married 2 months after we met. He even sat his mother down six months after we started dating to tell her that he wanted to get married. In the beginning he wanted to get engaged within a year which was way too soon for me. We were both planning on going to medical school and I wanted to get at least some of my professional education out of the way before we were engaged.
We were together about a year before he started Medical School 2 hours away. Even though we are long distance we’ve been doing fine. I see him every couple weeks and he comes home during breaks. He’s able to get his studying done and do well in school and I’m studying for my MCAT while working. I will be starting medical school in 1.5 years (I will be a 1st year while he is a 3rd year).
After our disagreement about when to get engaged it seems as if talking about the future seems to be a source of conflict. I just don’t understand how the same person who was so excited to get engaged within the year now is all of a sudden practical and wants to wait 5 years before we’re engaged.
I understand that waiting until he’s close to being done with his education is the practical and responsible thing to do but it’s hurtful because of how excited he was about it before. It seems as if all the romance has been taken out of it.
One of the major problems with waiting 5 years to get engaged is that I’m going to be applying to schools in a couple months. Even though he attends a top medical school I wouldn’t want to go even if I was accepted. I got in for undergrad but decided it wouldn’t be the right school for me and I still feel like that now. He wants me to go to his school but that’s a decision that affects the next 4 years of my life. I couldn’t go to any school even if it was a top school just for someone that is my boyfriend.
Another problem with waiting is that I always wanted to wait until after marriage to have sex (I even told him this before we started dating in case it would be a problem). Even though both of us our virgins he thinks differently. I realize that most guys (virgin or not) would not have waited 2 years already but it’s just so hard to wait for him to be ready to get engaged when I feel like I have to go against my own values to make him happy.
Even though we have disagreements about our future timeline, I know that in the end we will be together. It’s just so hard waiting.
Post # 3
@mdhopeful: So… what are you confused about? Your last sentence seemed to sum it all up.
Post # 4
Have any of you guys experienced this with your boyfriends?
How do you deal with waiting?
Post # 5
@mdhopeful: his timeline changed when he started med school– maybe you should wait until you start med school to see if you still want to get engaged in the middle of it? i’m not a dr but my friends who went through med school have stories of how time-consuming it is!
you told him up front that you did not want to sleep together before marriage so i would strongly suggest that you not go back on that to make *him* happy. you have been up front and not changed, he’s the one who changed the timeline.
Post # 6
There are alot of different things going on here. Having been through professional school myself and delaying a wedding because of it- I will share my two cents. First off, I think you both are young and are growing/changing and will continue to do so over the next several years. The fact that his opinions on marriage timeline have changed simply reflect an increase in his maturity level. It is (in my opinion), more practical to wait.
The next big issue is your schooling. If you are not willing to go to the medical school he will be attending, I think that clearly shows your priorities. This is NOT a bad thing. Personally, I think you should go to whatever school you really want to. However, it is a sign that deep down inside you may not be ready to make the lifetime committment to him (*right now). I live with my finance in an area where I haven’t been able to find work in my field. This is a huge sacrifice, but for us, right now, I think it is the right thing.
Lastly, but not leastly. Sex is so important to relationships. It is my opinion that sex is often de-emphasized by many religions. It is one of our strongest biological drives and the glue that holds relationships together. You views on sex are important and will set the tone for your married sex life to come. It is a very big deal that you stay true to values. If his values and your values do not align, that is a red flag to me. I’m not trying to be hard on you or negative. I know this stuff is probably NOT what you would like to hear. I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem very nice. The most important thing is to stay true to yourself and the rest will fall into place.
Post # 7
Waiting a couple years to sleep together before marriage is doable but I feel like 7 years seems impossible with his new timeline.
Post # 8
@mdhopeful: What happens if you sleep with him before marriage? I understand it’s a religious thing, but I guess what I’m asking is what is bad about it? Do you get kicked out or banned? I am not asking this to be snarky, I’m trying to understand why it’s considered “sinful.”
Post # 9
i think that if you know that it is for sure and forever than you should get engaged now … 5 years is a really long time and i think it is unfair of him to make you wait after you had this plan all along.
i see how it is hurtful. you need to talk to him. if he really is the right person for you then he will see where you are coming from and either adjust his timeline or find a way to make you at peace with the situation
Post # 10
I’m never said it was sinful and I’m not religious. I believe in only sleeping with one person after marriage. I also don’t want to change my values for him even though he will eventually be my husband. His timeline bothers me because he knows how I feel about this and I don’t think it’s possible to wait that long. Therefore, I would be the only one having to go against what I believe.
Post # 11
This happened to me in my past relationship. He wanted to get married right away and I was like hell no. That seemed to scar him, and he ended up changing his mind. He stopped talking about it altogether after giving me some bogus timeline.
I mean turns out it didn’t matter, because I still didn’t want to marry him, and I met someone else, but I wonder if you like wounded his ego or something.
Post # 12
I really doubt I wounded his ego. He gave me a promise ring before he went to school which was months after I told him one year was way too soon. I also gave him one.
Post # 13
He’s being responsible right now. He could change his mind as easily about the 7 year wait s he did about getting married immediately to you. You’re going to ruin your own relationship if you habor these ill feelings toward him for not marrying you right now. Why not just wait it out and in a year or two have a talk with him again? Take it step by step instead of just getting upset that right now he says 7 years.
Post # 14
I’d be thrilled that he is being so responsible. You said it yourself — you’re going to be together one way or another.
I wouldn’t worry so much about it.