Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been intimate. We decided a while back to stop until marriage. It has been close to three months since anything has happened. I feel very unsettled right now. We both agree that not being together is putting a lot of stress in our relationship. We have talked about it and prayed about it a lot. I just can’t see the issue with us making love. Is it really bad for a couple who has promised each other and God to be together forever? I am just so stressed and confused. Has anyone been there? How did you handle it?
Post # 3
@Kacey23: I’ll take a stab at it. Traditionally (years ago), if you were promised to each other (betrothed) and had sex, you were considered married anyway. I’m guessing that most priests and ministers no longer suscribe to that belief.
Post # 4
@Kacey23: I’m not Christian, but I am Jewish, religious albeit fairly liberal. In my community (Reform Judaism, I can’t speak for Conservative or Orthodox Judaism) being intimate before marriage is not that huge a deal although traditionally has been unacceptable.
I cannot speak to the New Testament or Christian interpretation of the Bible, but I feel I have some informatin that might be considerable for you. Premarital intimacy was forbidden in biblical times because of social stigma- no man would be willing to marry a woman who had been intimate with another man outside of marriage. Therefore, parents and society forbid women from premarital sex (which pretty much meant then that men couldn’t have premarital sex either unless it was with a prostitute). Oftentimes, if premarital sex occurred, society would consider the couple married and they would be married. Sex was considered to be a large factor in what defined marriage.
However, there is no actual law in the Old Testament forbidding premarital sex. There is such law in the Talmud, but the Talmud does not apply to you because you are not Jewish (I am assuming). So the ban on premarital sex has a lot to do with exploration and discussion of the text as well as cultural factors.
Again, I cannot speak to the Christian Bible, but maybe this information is helpful to you. I personally do not see how my premarital intimacy is upsetting G-d. I think that people can do what they want, I would never judge another person for their sexual behavior as long as it isn’t harming anyone. I personally feel, in my values, based on my upbringing and my religion, that if intimacy is done in love and mutual respect, then it is a holy act, premarital or not. (Keeping in mind that I am pretty liberal about these things, but I have put a lot of thought into my religious beliefs)
Post # 5
@nycsa: I’m with you.
Until about 200 years ago, most middle and upper class couples would have had a betrothal, and then a wedding. Both were counted as religious covenants, so they would have been recognised both religiously and legally.
During the middle ages, then the couple would live together for a period of time after the betrothal and before the wedding. This gave them a chance to call it off if they absolutely hated the experience. If the woman called it off, she got nothing. If the man called it off, he had to compensate her for the loss of her virginity… the so-called “breach of promise” laws were in force. If he did not compensate her, she could plead a case before a magistrate.
We went through a period in the last century where this no longer happened for most people, but things are changing again now, and more and more people are effectively experiencing a betrothal period by living with their future husbands and wives before the wedding.
Now, Biblically: the Bible is against promiscuity, and says that two people become one flesh through sex… but it doesn’t say anything against betrothal sex that I can find. If anyone wants to try to correct me, they are welcome, but I don’t see it. Sure, Mary and Joseph were betrothed and chaste, but that was almost certainly because of her age more than anything else.
I second @nawella: as well… well put.
Post # 6
You are looking to people on the internet for validation to allow you to go back to sinning in your relationship? I’m not going to say most of what I want to say, because you are probably just going to ignore it.
The reason you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend (he’s not even your FI?) feel stress in your relationship now is b/c sex is actually EMOTIONALLY BONDING! God made it that way as one of the things that would HELP married couples! So when you have sex, your hormones/body/mind/whatever think that you’re married, so when you stop, it really feels “wrong” because sex is meant to be ongoing in marriage. That’s why we all have known people who were having sex and in a terrible relationship, which was so obviously an unhealthy relationship to anyone casually observing them – b/c sex is meant to bond people together, so that’s the biggest reason why they have such a hard time seeing how screwed up their relationship is.
So, contrary to what non-Christians or people who don’t believe in the rules of the New Testament (don’t get me started on “does that mean we can’t eat shellfish…” It’s pretty obvious that laws against FORNICATION are thoroughly reiterated in the New Testament. Anyone who argues otherwise is simply trying to find a loophole, and I won’t be engaged in such a debate.) sex before marriage is NOT allowed by the Bible.
Feel free to poke around on here-
Post # 7
Everyone – please note if you’re attempting to argue based on the Bible, she said BOYFRIEND, not fiance.
Post # 8
@Kacey23: I am not Christian but as a Christian you put a lot of faith in prayer, yes? If you’ve prayed about it and still find nothing wrong with it spiritually, then don’t worry about it. Just make sure you’re doing it with a clear conscience. Being intimate with someone you love is a beautiful and spiritual experience and if you intend on marrying him, I can’t see how God would view your act as sinful.
Post # 9
its a personal choice, I think you guys need to talk about it and come to your own conclusions. Dont let anybody or anything, religion and the bible included influance you, if you think its right, then that is your answer! if you are going to have regrets then that is your answer!
Doesnt sound like you are engaged so remember that when you are making your decision. If you dont end up with your current Boyfriend or Best Friend will you feel bad because you ended up sleeping with another man you once loved?
Post # 10
@red_rose: you are mean. stop trying to make this poor girl feel bad/guilty for her choices that are not hurting anybody.
Post # 11
@lettuce: I am not mean. She asked on the CHRISTIAN board, so I gave her an answer from a CHRISTIAN perspective. And I would argue that her choices are hurting herself. (Or have the potential to.) So, with that belief, I think I might actually be able to HELP her, so how is that mean?
Post # 12
If you are truly seeking biblical advice, this is probably not the forum for you to be using.
Post # 13
@red_rose: As far as I can see, the only problem, biblically, is that sex = marriage, more or less, according to many of the Bible passages.
…. buuuuuttttt…. OP does say “until marriage” and she implies that she has taken vows with her other half before G-d already….
So what’s the score, OP? When is the wedding? What’s going on?
Post # 15
@red_rose: ok, got confused because she said they were stopping until marriage.
Post # 16
@Kacey23: As a Christian your #1 goal and priority should be to follow the laws laid out for you in God’s word the bible regarding the way he wants us to live along with the guiding of his holy spirit.
In this debate you will find Christians saying pre-marital sex is okay and Christians saying pre-marital sex is not okay.
A promise to each other to be together forever is just that, a promise, a marriage is something all together different. In the bible God honors marriage and that’s what he talks about. (Hebrews 13:4)
I’m in the camp that believes it is biblically NOT okay, and for that reason we are currently abstaining as well.
It can be done, it is being done by myself and by some other bees on here.
It is NOT easy, but it is worth it, the Christian walk calls for sacrifice, discipline and obedience and it is always worth it.
At the end of the day, your decisions are between you and God, if you are serious about your relationship with him choose wisely. Because in life decisions will always be between what is easy and what is right and when your desire to please God outweighs the desire to please yourself or to please others the choices you make are better and easier.
I am by no means perfect, no one is, but I had to share this with you because you and he decided to stop being intimate for a reason! SO, you need to know YES it can be done, if you and he committ to doing so.
Good luck with this, I hope you find truth and peace in this situation.