Post # 1
I wrote a whole diatribe, and now all my hard work is gone.
I really need some help, but I dont have time to retype the whole story.
The summary is that my SO is saying that I am playing with his heart. I have not committed to marrying him and my family voiced some concerns about us getting married. He knows that my family is concerned and now I think he is annoyed because I really did not say anything to them (I just listened), and I won’t say when we can marry.
He has said several times (before this issue), that if you love someone you can marry them even if your family opposes. I think it is not always wise, especially if your family has your best interests in mind. The some of the issues my family mentioned can be worked on.
He has implied I may be using him until I can marry someone else. I don’t know why he keeps saying this, but it is not helping his cause. He says now based on the way my family is reacting and my lack of commitment he feels like dying… So many people know we are a couple. I think he is worried about the embarrassment if we break up. I did not say I want to break up.
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
Relat: How long have you been together? He can’t immediately expect you to just KNOW if you want to marry him or not if you haven’t been together that long. Maybe he is dating to marry while you are dating to date? Has he proposed?
Post # 3
Right off the bat, his worries are valid. Do you have reasons for not wanting to marry him outside of your family? I think there comes a time (Keep in mind I am US born and raised so my ideals are western culture based, your mileage may vary) that the little bird has to leave the nest and raise its own family. It can’t keep listening to mommy and daddy bird the rest of its life. Yes, family (I am assuming parents) do have your best interests in mind, but the definition between your “best interests” and their “best interests” can be wildly different. You need to decide what you want for you. Not mom. Not dad. Not your little brother or older sister. This is your life and you’re the one to live it. If you want to marry your boyfriend, marry him. If he has issues you want to work through first (Aggressive or if he has a temper or financially handling things, etc) then definitely work through them.<br /><br />I’m an adult. I love my family dearly but they no longer control my life. Unless they have a valid reason to convince you to not marry him (Say, his last wife/girlfriend/fiance/whomever vanished and turned up dead, or he was arrested for domestic abuse or something), they can’t control you unless you let them. If that’s the case, that little bird needs to spread its wings and fly.
Post # 4
Actually, my family’s opinion means the world to me and I ended an engagement because they opposed. He should not emotionally blackmail you by saying he feels like dying. Follow your heart.
Post # 5
FutureDrAtkins: We have been seeing each other regulary for about 5 months. I do not expect a “traditional” proposal. He asked and I said it is too soon.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
Relat: Yeah, that’s not very long at all. You guys barely know each other! You are right to say it’s too soon. It sounds to me like you’re not playing with his heart, that you’re being clear that right now you just want to date. If he can’t hold out and date you and wants to rush to marriage, that’s usually a red flag that there’s maybe something about him he doesn’t want you to find out about. It kind of reminds me of that “Who the Bleep Did I Marry” show. Ya know? Don’t let him gaslight you and make you feel shitty for being honest with him. The last thing you want to do is jump into a marriage you’re unsure about just because you’d rather not break up either. Why can’t you guys just date for now and leave it at that?
Post # 7
Relat: Yikes! 5 months? Wants to die? Now he sounds SCARY. No wonder your family is concerned! Listen to them!
Post # 8
No kidding your family is concerned.
Please listen to them..
Post # 9
Relat: If I was your family, I would have concerns too. 5 months is a very short period of time to get to know someone. Again, assuming a western culture, most people are together much longer than that before they decide on marriage. What is his hurry? Ask him if you can just enjoy dating and getting to know eachother a little bit longer.
Post # 10
Relat: Oh man… I agree with most that you should live your life. You can’t love your life off of everyone’s else’s expectations for you. But in this instance, proposing after 5 months and then claiming he feels like dying because you don’t want to get married right now? I don’t blame you for listening to your folks that MAYBE an engagement at this point might not be in the best interest of you two. I would give it some more time. Get to know one another. Go through some ups and downs. Get a feel for whether or not this truly is the man you wish to be with, for life. If you should feel the need to breakup with him (at any point), I hope he does not make you feel guilty for doing so.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
5 months is a very short time to date and marry someone in general terms. However, the maturity of each member of the couple along with them being in the same page regarding their core values could make the relationship work.
In your case, it’s obvious that you’re not ready, and you shouldn’t be getting pressure to make a decision. His jumping to conclude that you’re using him after only 5 months dating is unfair and very telling; if he’s not willing to wait for your relationship to mature, he may not be the one for you.
Post # 12
You thinking it’s too soon to be making that kind of commitment and rejecting his proposal is reasonable.
Him emotionally manipulating you in order to get you to accept by saying that he feels like dying and that you’re using him is unreasonable (and honestly, would have me running in the other direction).
Listen to your family and follow your instincts, this guy is bad news bears.
Post # 13
Relat: You need to listen to GreenBayBee: !! Good advice.
Post # 15
All good advice above – I agree – YIKES, five months?!?! My FI and I didn’t talk about marriage until six years into our relationship. Situation reversed, and a girl was pressuring marriage at five months? That guy would run so fast he’d leave skid marks! Well maybe not, but ya know what I mean 😉 Sorry you are having to deal with this – he needs to CHILL.