Confused

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
1818 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

lovestruck2016 :  my SIL is gay. It took her a long time to admit to herself that she had feeling for women. She started being sexually active with boys at age 13, and in 10 years had sex with 75+ men. She never found any sexually satisfying – and kept thinking it was because she hadn’t met the right person. She’s since been with 2 women – one for about a year, and One for over 15 years. 

You might be bisexual, you might just be curious, you might be gay… it’s really hard to know until you explore your sexuality. You’re not married – so nows the time to discover your sexuality. I’d be honest with my boyfriend. Tell him you’d like to try sex with women – and let him decide where he fits into the equation – if he wants to stay or go. It’s better to have this conversation now. I know of two couples where they were married long term before the wife admitted she liked women and the marriages broke up (one was a 5 year marriage, one a 10 year). It’s not fair to lead a man into a relationship for years when it’s not who you really are. 

Post # 33
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

lovestruck2016 :  I just repeated what you said and put it in context you and others provided w your posts. I see nothing wrong w ppl exploring whatever they want to as long as everyone involved is okay with it. Better you’re honest now rather than even later.

I have always hoped that ppl don’t lie about the very foundation of the relationship and, if they aren’t sure or know that they feel differently, it should be said right away when the topic of exclusivity and monogamy and sexuality are discussed. It’s good that you’ll come clean before marriage at least (my ex didn’t). But I personally view kids as a much bigger commitment than marriage even. I would feel so betrayed. Because I would’ve lived the past 7yrs differently and made different choices re kids. But I also have only been in serious relationships discussing marriage and kids while already in my 30s and I’ve discussed monogamy, sexuality, and what each person in the relationship wanted very explicitly and early (I think someone mentioned you’ve been in this relationship since hs? – that could be very different).

Post # 35
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider

lovestruck2016 :  Purely practical advice, here.

1) Unless you identify as poly, then the partner you should marry is the one who makes you think of him and only him (I’m using male pronouns here on purpose, as you have cited no desire to have a relationship with a woman, only sex). If you are poly, then the ideal partner is the one who is as happy as you are with the structure of your relationship (equal triad, primary couple with random hook ups, etc).

2) Are you okay with him hooking up with other people? Do you think he’d be into it for sex only? Or would he possibly develop attachments to people he slept with?

3) Let’s assume that either he joyfully consents to your experimenting, or you break up and set off on your own, looking for someone for sex only. As a member of the lesbian community, I can tell you right now, there IS the kind of woman you are looking for out there (a gay woman who is actually really into JUST sex with otherwise straight women who have never slept with other women before, and who do not was emotional relationships with women), but you’re going to have to be VERY HONEST about what you’re really looking for in order to find her, and you’re going to strike out a lot with other women, first.

4) I’m just going to underscore the need to be honest about the no relationship, sex only, emotionally available only to men bit here. And not just honest, but like, super up front. Partially for the sake of the women you’ll be talking to, because they deserve your honesty, but also for yourself, because if you’re not very clear, you’ll find people who assume you’re after something else/lying to yourself/etc.

5) I hope you’ve heard the old joke that a lesbian brings a uhaul to the second date, because there is a degree of truth in it (I hate to admit). Don’t hook up with the same person multiple times, or it will become a relationship before you can say “key to my apartment”. Especially be careful with the kind of woman that you are looking for (as mentioned in 3), because I know a few of them, and they’re not great relationship people.

6) Order a cheap copy of “The Ethical Slut” if you’re curious about Poly life.

 

Post # 38
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider

lovestruck2016 :  In a threesome, he’s still sleeping with another woman – you’re just watching, rather than each of you finding someone on your own. That’s worth considering, too.

Personally, I think you’re being unfair to him, yourself, and any woman that you might sleep with, but I also think you should continue ahead with eyes wide open to what you might encounter/experience should you persue this route.

FWIW, I know two women who were in situations similar to yours. One was kind of like mishybear :  ‘s SIL, had slept with 50+ guys, very atheletic, confused. She hooked up with a girl, her family found out, disowned her, and then she started to officially date the girl in question because she was afraid to be alone. They got married, and then divorced almost immediately after. It was a NASTY divorce. She is now engaged to the guy she started seeing right after her divorce, and seems happy.

Woman number two was very up front about being emotionally attracted to men only. She decided, after some time, that she liked sleeping with women because she WASN’T attracted to them, so there was no risk of a relationship – it was just sex to feel good, nothing else. She’s now engaged to a wonderful guy, and the last time I talked to her, had zero interest in women.

And actually, I can think of a third woman, except her situation was different. She was married to a man, three kids, and in the middle of a divorce. She hooked up with a woman because she had always been curious. She decided she was bisexual, got really into it, and then dated guys exclusively until she married one.

Most of the bisexual women I know (the self-labeling ones) did not start thinking they might like women while in a long term relationship with a man. And all of the bisexual women I know very much value the emotional relationship with women.

Post # 39
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee

lovestruck2016 :  It is insanely unfair that you expect him to stay monogamous (not sure how you feel about him sleeping with other women) and want to explor your own sexuality. That is very selfish. You’re basically hoping for permission to cheat because you get out of rules that he has to follow.

What do you want out of sleeping with women?

If you find that it’s amazing:

1) Will you leave him and try to find a relationship with a woman?

2) Or will you want to stay with him after you’ve satisfied your curiousity?

If it’s amazing and you stay with him:

3) Will you keep sleeping with women?

4) Or will you be monogamous knowing that you’ve satisfied that itch?

If you don’t enjoy sleeping with women:

5) Will you keep sleeping with other women until you find someone you are compatible with and enjoy sleeping with?

6) Or will you go back to him and get back to your normal life?

If your answers are 1) No, 2) Yes, 3) No, 4) Yes, 5) No, 6) Yes; then what is the point?

 

I have never had a relationship or had sex with anyone who was considered super hot by most people (think celebrity or athlete). I also have never had sex with people with many different attractive qualities. BUT, if the most attractive, sexy, chisled, intelligent person in the world propositioned me, I would turn them down because I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than my fiance.

My point is that if having sex with women won’t change your life plan in any way and you’ll still want to be with your current boyfriend, then why do that?

If you think good sex (or bad sex) with a woman might change how you feel about your boyfriend, then he’s not the one for you and you should break up with him so that he doesn’t waste any more of his time.

Post # 41
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

lovestruck2016 : 

…exploring my sexuality without repercussions… if he loves me their shouldn’t really be a problem with me doing that…

That is not how it works for most people. You are asking him because he loves you, to live in limbo land whilst you figure out who you are. That seems extremely unfair to ask someone you love to do that for you. It would be even more unfair to get him to wait around probably in a lot of emotional distress for him and you to ultimately discover that you are attracted and exclusively wish to be with women.

I would seek out counselling before bringing this up with your partner. I’m sorry you are going through this and I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. All the best to you and your family xx

 

Post # 44
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee

lovestruck2016 :  The problem is not that you want to have sex with women. I could care less about that. The problem is that you want to enjoy his monogamy while sleeping with other people.

That’s why I asked in general, will your experience sleeping with women have the possibility of ending your relationship or feelings for him? If yes, then you should not put him through this and just break up with him. If no (and you go back to being monogamous with him), then why sleep with anyone but him?

If you have the option of having your sexual needs fulfilled by someone else while staying emotionally attached to him, he needs that same freedom. He may not use it. But it is unfair to have unequal rules in a relationship. There are other parts of sexuality besides the gender you are interested in. If you get to explore aspects of your sexuality, then he should be free to do the same (various kink groups, etc)

I’d tell you exactly the same thing if you were interested in sleeping with other men as I am now. Your relationship is either open for both of you or neither of you. You don’t get to play by different rules. That is unfair.

Post # 45
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

lovestruck2016 :  I can understand (especially in our societies) how things could progress that way if it’s a relationship from hs or some young age. Many ppl don’t realize that they should/can even wonder about their sexuality. Sounds like a tough situation and like you’re going to be up front about it. I hope everything goes as well as it can.

My ex was a very different situation- he was over 30 when he met me, we had explicit conversations about this stuff (exclusivity etc) early on and he was pushing for monogamy, marriage, kids only for me to find out after lots of lies and wasted time that he’d been involved w men before (and during) me and was probably gay (he still doesn’t admit that to himself somehow).

I’ve known several ppl who got together young and sexual orientation issues came down the road, usually after kids and marriage. Some situations worked out well (whether they stayed together or not), some didn’t. You sound like you aren’t going to stick in it to the point of resentment, like you won’t cheat, and like you’ll let him know sooner (bc he should get to decide what relationship he wants to be in too and not be living a lie w/o even knowing it). Coming from roughly the other side of it, if you keep to that, thank you. It’s better than many and it’s the minimum treatment you should give to someone you love. 

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