Confused

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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spiro : This is just my opinion, but I don’t think I’d want to marry someone that I wasn’t sexually attracted to. Sex isn’t everything but it’s a big part of a relationship. 

I also don’t think you should get married if you’re having doubts, of any kind. I think marriage is one of those things you need to be 100% sure about.

Post # 3
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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spiro :  Harsh. What do you think your reason for now being put off by his features rather than appreciative of them? You could be experiencing a “grass is greener” feeling or worrying about having sex with only this one person for the rest of your life? Regardless I think you need to talk to a professional about this to find the real reason you are no longer attracted to your Fiance.

Post # 4
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

Personally, sexual chemistry and physical attraction are fairly high on my must haves list for a partner. There’s nothing else that would sufficiently replace this connection for me and there’s no way I would sign up for a lifetime commitment with someone I didn’t find attractive. But you need to decide how big of an issue this will be long term. Without factoring in all the other ways you may be compatible. Try to picture decades of life with this individual and honestly ask yourself if this is the right choice. Do you see a future of happiness or one with doubts steadily growing over time?

I think everyone deserves to find that individual who still lights their fire even on their worst day and vice versa.

Post # 6
Member
2337 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a rich history of dating men with… interesting features. Mainly because I make my dating choices based on personality first. I’ve never been into the “hunky” guys. For me, even if I was not initially attracted to someone’s face, I would grow to find their face beautiful after realizing how great their personality was. 

Is this not how it happened for you?

I will say though… the only other person I ever dated who I had a marriage-type connection with was in college and I eventually convinced myself to let that relationship go because he was 5’6″ or 5’7″, chubby, wore glasses, and was already balding at 21. As much as we got along and as much as I cared for him, I just could not get past the feeling that I would somehow be “selling myself short” if I married him. 

I’m aware that is an incredibly vain thought. Eventually I realized that HE deserved better than to marry someone who thought they were better looking than he was, who felt they got the short end of the stick. He deserved to marry someone who worshipped every single thing about him, because he truly was an amazing person.

So we went our separate ways. He very quickly found a girl who appreciated him better than I could and is now seemingly very happily married with 2 kids. And I married someone with whom I have an even better connection, who I also find incredibly attractive. Ironically, he’s the “hunky” type. Granted, it took me 10 more years of searching to find my husband, but I wasn’t in a rush. 

Post # 7
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Companionate marriages are a thing, where you and your partner are emotional and romantic matches for each other but don’t have sex. In most relationships, sex is a VERY important compatability area, but not for everyone. Is that something either of you want or would consider? How important is sex to you?

I would be wary of starting off a marriage knowing that something as fundamental as physical attraction just isn’t there. 

But hey, I guess you could always tell him you’re super kinky and one (or both) of you needs to wear a mask/blindfold during sex.

Post # 8
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you’re being superficial at all. A guy doesn’t have to be supermodel gorgeous in order to be attractive – we all have different physical aspects we are attracted to. That’s what makes us different and our relationships different. 

I never found my ex to be physically attractive, but I married him anyways bc I thought it would be superficial of me to not marry him for that reason. After we ended our marriage and I started dating again, I began to realize just how important attraction was in a relationship. I am incredibly attracted to my current husband physically – from his body to way his sticks his tongue out just a little after he makes a joke. It’s powerful and not superficial in the least to want that. 

Post # 9
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Personally, as long as you’re not turned off by his appearance, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. In the long run, the other areas are way more important to me.  My husband is handsome in his own way, but I don’t think “hunky” would be an apt descriptor. I’m no 10, either, at the moment, so… but I am still probably more attractive than he is, conventionally. 

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Totally individual preference here. You say it’s been a thought since the beginning. Why not have a chat with a therapist and see if there’s anything else at play here that may be making you focus on this. If it really and truly is about looks and you want someone you’re more into in that way, I’m sure you can find it. The only warning is that it may not be as good a relationship (it may be better, what do I know). If you don’t feel comfortable having this guy be your final destination then move on. Just because it looks great on paper doesn’t mean it’s right for you. 

I am much more attracted to women then men. I had terrible relationships with women. I get along with men so much better. I am incredibly happy being married to my absolute best friend in the world. Sure, we can have sex, but we also have fun chatting about women. Why not. …it’s whatever works for you.

Post # 11
Member
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

If something’s missing something’s missing.  I’d go to counseling and see if you can work past it or if it’s a larger underlying issue.  If not you have to end it.  It’s not fair to either of you. 

My SO did not meet my usual criteria for “handsome”  per day, but after our first date I never found anyone more attractive.  I look at him and see nothing but sexiness. He’s only become more attractive to me over time.  

Youre entitiled to someone who makes you happy in every way that is important to you.  Be kind about it to him. Definitely do not marry him while you feel this way. 

Post # 12
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“For me, even if I was not initially attracted to someone’s face, I would grow to find their face beautiful after realizing how great their personality was.”

Yes. Physical attraction is usually not formed in a vacuum in long-term relationships. I find my husband attractive because I am so attracted to him as a person. The physical is part and parcel of that wholistic attraction. If you don’t find him physically attractive, I would delve into what else is missing from the relationship.

“Also in 40 years we will both be old so it’s no big deal? Right?”

No. You don’t fall off a cliff because you’re “old.” I personally plan to still take care of myself and see myself and my partner as attractive as we age.

Post # 13
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
throughthelookingglass87 :  

You’re making an important point. I would definitely suggest doing some digging to see if there is anything behind the lack of attraction that is unrelated to the here and now.

You’re right, a therapist can be very helpful with this.

It would be a big loss to OP to end a relationship with someone with whom she feels so comfortable. OP can be her authentic self with this man, even her family recognizes it. It’s not a compatibility you can find every day.

I was wildly, insanely attracted to my exh. Good looking dude. In the minus column:  he was an abusive narcissist.

Post # 14
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, this is a hard one. It’s so interesting you’ve made it to the point of engagement but don’t find yourself sexually attracted to your bf/fiance? Does his physical looks give you a visceral reaction of unease? If so that’s something you have to retrain yourself on behaviorally if you want to try and make this work. Otherwise, more than just his immediate looks, it may be the sudden realization that if you have children with him, you’re uncomfortable with him possibly passing on these less than perfect traits. Then what? Will you love your children less because they look just like him?

Just writing this makes me anxious. It’s a lot to think about. I’m not sure I could do it if I were you honestly. He deserves to be appreciated for all that he is, flaws and all. Be honest with yourself if you can’t do it. There is no shame in it and will make it better for everyone in the long one if you admit and commit to your true feelings.

Good luck bee.

Post # 15
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I am not sexually attracted to my husband but have never, ever been happier or more content with someone. Passion generally fades after a few years, anyway. I find it more important to focus on the love, loyalty, values, goals etc that we do share because when we get old, I won’t think of how often we banged each other’s brains out. I will look back and think of how we ALWAYS had each others back, through thick and thin, through illnesses, trying times, and happy moments. I will think of the vacations we went on, the laughter, the intimacy we share in so many other ways that are not necessarily sexual.

Just my $0.02

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