Confused

posted 12 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

The thing about sexual attraction is that it’s never going to passionate, full-on all day everyday. My therapist tells me that sexual attraction tends to come in waves. You may have moments of passion, sexual attraction, but other times, you’ll feel more mellow and less passionate toward your partner. 

It’s unrealistic to think that sexual attraction will remain the same as the “lust/infatuation” stage where you two will always be hot and heavy with your partner. 

Post # 17
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

vee1980 :  Out of curiousity… does your hubby know you aren’t sexually attracted to him? Do you keep it to yourself and be intimate with him regardless, or have you decided to let that part of your relationship dwindle? 

No need to answer if its too sensitive!

Post # 18
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

I find the more I fall in love with the inside, the more sexually  attracted I am to the outside. I don’t find physically good looking people sexually  attractive, I need to be attracted to them on an intellectual level also.

Sooo, I am not immediately sexually attracted. Even if I notice someone is good looking. But I may grow a sexual attraction to a person also not typically physically attractive. ..

Sorry for going cerebral. My point is if you are Really Into someone I think you desire them, and also want to please them. So Those PHYSICAL Things Which YOU Find UNNATTRACTIVE May Be A Sign Of SOMETHING deeper. Jmho 

Post # 20
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

OP – someone above said that passion generally fades away after a few years, but it is not true for everyone. It should not fade away, especially in just a “few” years. You can be married for 30-40 years and still have that fire between you, so please do not make your decision based on that statement.

To me, physical attraction is very big and I could not imagine marrying someone I am not attracted to. Of course we eventually get old and our looks change, but you are only 30 and nowhere near an “old age”. You can’t wait around for an old age. You want to enjoy each other while you are young. I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves us with our flaws and all,  whether they are physical or otherwise. I think it is so unfair to be married to someone and feeling dissatisfied everytime you look at them, because you are not attracted to them physically.

Post # 21
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

sollyb :  Sorry about the delayed response.

We have openly discussed the lack of sexual compatibility and even tried therapy for it. The therapist herself told us that she had never seen two people more respectful and caring about each other’s feelings. In a nutshell, after a couple of sessions she told us that, as open as our communication is and as strong as our relationship is, if it REALLY does not bother us, then we should not feel that we SHOULD be having sex more often or that I should force myself to want it more with him. And that was the end of therapy for us 🙂

Now- do I miss having good sex? ABSOLUTELY. But if this is the only thing that is missing in our relationship, I consider myself really damn lucky. (to be fair, my husband is also very vanilla where I am not, and has various health issues that mean that sex never lasts long (he cannot take viagra, heart problems) and that positions are also limited (several spinal surgeries.He has suffered a lot with his health since he was born.) So yes, in most part that part has dwindled. 

It is so hard to explain- I love him so very much and would be lost without him in my life. I just don’t feel sexually attracted to him (although he has a good looking face) but want to cuddle with him and be intimate in all other non-sexual ways and would not even dream of looking elsewhere because he fulfills all my other needs. There is ALWAYS going to be something lacking in a relationship- nothing is perfect. If this is the thing for us, so be it. 5 years later, we have never had a single fight, so that to me says a lot about how open, honest, respectful, and non-passive aggressive we are with each other. Everytime I had crazy passion there was also a lot of drama attached, so I would far rather live a peaceful, content life now with someone I trust with everything I am.

Sorry for the long response! I hope that you can find some answers through my response. At the end of the day, we all have different relationship dynamics and what works for one couple does not work for another. 

Post # 22
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

spiro :  

Bee, in this life, anything can happen. Unfortunately, many things other than aging can happen in mere seconds that could alter your appearance in some way. I certainly hope nothing like that ever happens to you, and odds are that it won’t.

But, as long as we’re living this life, there are many risks.

Would your fiancé’s feelings toward you change if you suddenly looked different?  What if you had to take a new med that put a bunch of weight on you?  Or made your hair fall out (happened to me with Synthroid).

I’m sure you get the idea.

Only you know what your must haves are. Just know that, realistically, it could be difficult to find someone else with whom you are so compatible. Not impossible, just challenging.

And keep in mind that many relationships that begin with intense chemistry crash and burn.  Or worse.

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