- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2017
There are a few things to keep in mind before I start – I’m 25 and I am NOT married. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, we live together, and are serious though.
Growing up, especially in my teen years, I wanted children. Not 1 or 2, I wanted more like 5. As I kept getting older, I noticed I didn’t like a lot of kids. I would tell myself, “Wow. *My* kids will never be like that. My kids will be raised right. I’ll be a strict parent.”
But as time went on, I started to wonder….do I even like kids in general? Maybe that’s how kids just are? I realized how expensive raising even one child could be (hell, I’m learning how expensive it is to keep MYSELF alive). I started thinking about how much I love time to myself, how much I love peace and quiet. Peace and quiet? With kids? I always thought I would raise my kids to be quiet, but that’s not how it really works, is it? And what if I get a child who is physically ormentally ill? Could I ever be prepared for that? I grew up fairly poor, so now as an adult I’ve been spending money on myself – new clothes, makeup, skin products, TRIPS EVERYWHERE…..I don’t want that to stop. I also realized how many people said they love their kids more than their spouses…..WHAT?!?! how could that ever be true? I honestly don’t like the idea of that, at least for myself.
I began to suspect…..maybe I don’t want kids at all. In fact, I became very adamant. I blabbed to everyone how I would never, ever, in a million years have kids. What exactly is the plus of having kids? Being poorer and more exhausted than before? Sounds fun, except not. In addition to dealing with really gross stuff like poop, pee, and messes everywhere. No thanks. I felt this way for maybe 6 years so I was pretty damn sure this is what I wanted in life. Enter meeting boyfriend. I told him I never wanted kids, he told me the same. We routinely see kids in public, turn to each other, and go “Ew! Kids!”.
Well, folks….recently, especially with the fresh birth of a new little family member, I have been rethinking everything. Maybe I *do* want kids. The thing is, I have all the same exact concerns as before. But for some reason….and I can’t really explain it…maybe it’s some type of maternal instict kicking in…I’m wanting kids again. Or at least a kid. Some of what I find annoying about other kids, it’s different with my little family members. I’ve started wondering maybe if it’s my own kid, even more stuff won’t bother me. A friend of mine recently told me she doesn’t like other kids, but with her own kids, it’s totally different.
I figured maybe this is just a phase, maybe it’ll pass. But it’s been nearly a year now. I haven’t talked to my boyfriend yet because I feel horrible about it and don’t know how to bring it up. “Hey! Remember when we agreed to never have kids? Well, I’m not totally sure, but I’m thinking I changed my mind and want one now! Sorry for totally altering the course of our lives!”
I don’t think we’ll break up over it. I’m just bracing myself for a big fight. I’m trying to think of the best way to work this without feeling like I’m attacking him or something.