(Closed) Confused about kids in the future

posted 5 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just be honest. “I know this isnt what we’ve talked about but ever since x came around I realized I do want to be a mom to at least 1. What do you think?” I would chat about it casually and with an open mind. Not “please sit down we need to talk” or emotionally charged. 

This will be a deal breaker or it won’t. You also have plenty of years left to just live for you and enjoy all the perks above, so no rush. You should tell him that too. If he’s open to it- his next question will be “when?”

Post # 3
3900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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letterstolove:  Just tell him your hormones/maternal instinct/biological clock kicked in and caught you totally offguard….and now you are all confised and think that you may want to have kids… just be honest.. it’s not like you decided to have kids, all these feeling creeped up and freaked you out. 

Post # 4
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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letterstolove: you’re 25. You can change your mind about kids. Have them or don’t have them. start with one and see how it goes. 

I used to not want kids at all In my early 20’s. The in my late 20’s, wanted two. Now with DH and in my early to mid 30’s, it’s looking like none, one, or twins. 

Point is, things change. Unless you’re talking about building your lives together and starting a family it’s a bit cart before the horse. 

Post # 5
1903 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He may also be changing his mind, you never know unless you ask. Even if you do both decide you want kids, that’s fine! Thank GOODNESS we aren’t all held to every decision we made in our early 20s. 🙂 there’s definitely something to be said about becoming older, more stable, and meeting the right person that can fefinitely change your mind. And if this is a phase? Well at least you talked honestly about it

Post # 6
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Do it NOW. Even if you are not sure. Tell him that. as a pp said you are young and we all change our minds but this one is big. He needs to know now  If he really doesn’t want them this might be a deal breaker. This is one thing I think it is very important to be on the same page about. 

Post # 7
485 posts
Helper bee

I don’t really have advice, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this experience.  I’ve been saying since high school that I never wanted kids.  I was totally sure.  When I started my relationship with my current SO at 23, I was still sure I never wanted kids, and he agreed.  All of a sudden, though, people around us are having babies (on purpose) and it seems like it might not be the most horrible idea.  I’m about to turn 26 and I wonder if it’s just a peer pressure thing or if I might have some maternal instinct after all.  I talked to my SO about it and he says he’s open to it if I decide I do want to have kids eventually, but luckily we still have a few years before that’s even a consideration.

Post # 9
3751 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Your twenties are such a transitional time, it’s totally normal to go back and forth and you still don’t have to know for sure if you ever want kids. At your age I definitely didn’t want kids, but figured someday I would, and ten years later I had my first, now getting ready to have the second. I still had some of those selfish feelings but I wouldn’t go back for anything in the world. And as much as I’m obsessed with my son, I still love my husband just as much, maintaining a healthy marriage is a huge part of having kids and growing a health family. Be honest about how you’re feeling, don’t keep it in and let it grow and find out later on that he is still in the same place and you’re on complete opposite pages. It’ll either work out or it won’t, but you’ll get to where you want to be ultimately, no matter what.

Post # 11
31 posts

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I think it might be helpful to also think about (and talk to your bf about) what kind of life you’d want to have together, once you have kids. It doesn’t mean that you can’t do fun things anymore, travel, etc. I’m sort of in the same place, not sure if I really want kids, but not ruling it out.

One thing I do know is that even if I have a child, I won’t stop living my life. I’m not moving to the suburbs (nothing wrong with that, just not my style), never to be seen again. It helps that I have friends who are a few years older who’ve had kids (and they’re 5, 6, 7 by now), but still get to enjoy the fulfillment that comes from having a successful career, dinners (and drinks!) out with friends, traveling (with and without child), etc. 

Post # 13
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
letterstolove:  I think “maybe” is an acceptable answer for now. You are both still young and there is lots to do before you start to consider settling down. I would certainly revisit this question with him if and when you begin to discuss marriage. The answer needs to be “yes” before you accept a ring. This is a deal breaker where I am concerned. Children not a healthy subject that you can compromise on, and it is not going to do you both any good to settle on a decision that you do not mean. 

Post # 14
1001 posts
Bumble bee

Hormones can really do a number on you.  Remember that you’re not only going through a transitional period in your life right now (age-wise), these feelings also started when you were in the early stages of a stable relationship – your body identified your Fiance as more than just a fling, your oxytocin levels surged, and all of that is going to take a while to even back out.

I have NEVER wanted children.  My partner has NEVER wanted children.  I have always maintained, from childhood, that I would HATE to have kids and that I would be a horrible mother.  My friends used to joke that if I had a kid, I’d forget about it and come back three months later to a skeleton in the nursery.  (My friends were kind of macabre.)

About a year after getting into a relationship with my partner, we both started talking about having 1-2 kids.  Hormone surges are powerful things.

A little over a year to a year and a half after that, our hormones evened out again and we realized that we still didn’t want kids, and that all of that talk had been the result of hormones, pure and simple.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.

You don’t have to make up your mind right now.  Communication is always good.


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