(Closed) Confused about relationship

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10543 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You let your insecurity over past experiences possibly ruin your relationship. Now, you are continuing to let this same insecurity further damage your relationship. You keep bringing it up, you’re convinced something is wrong, you blew up on him, etc.

Its going to take time to get over what you said, its not going to be magically okay over night. You’re going to have to accept and deal with this and give your relationship time to get back to normal. Not to mention that your BF is going through some heavy stuff emotionally right now and really can’t be expected to be his same self even after a few days.

Give him time to deal and process with everything going on in his life. He probably will be detached for a while but you admittedly said some really hurtful things. You may know they aren’t true but he doesn’t. To him you must have said these things because you meant them in some small way. Take this as a lesson not to say things you don’t mean in the future less they bite you in the ass.

I would like to add that just because someone in your past treated you like shit doesn’t mean you get to hold on to those hurts and use them to justify your behavior in the future. Your BF didn’t do the things your ex did, don’t blame him for things he didn’t do. You are in control of your emotions, if you let the past control you then that is you making the choice to allow it. I say this as someone who went through almost everything for 7 years with a shitty ex. You have to let go of the past.

Post # 3
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

You’re treating him terribly and then get mad that he’s not immediately over it and treating you normally? That’s not how relationships are supposed to work. 

I think you need to deal with all of your securities, whether it be through counseling, self-reflection, or books. Otherwise, he’s going to get tired of constantly hearing you yell, say verbally abusive things (just dump me if that’s what you want? I don’t want to be with you anymore?) WHICH ARE NOT OKAY. 

Post # 4
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You hurt him and he needs time to heal. On top of that his grandpa is dying. And he probably feels insecure too. I think you have to go extra mile to reassure him you are not leaving and be there for him when he needs to.

It will take time but you need to be sweet, supportive, and probably sincerely apologize for things that have been said (if you havent already). It will be awkward and weird for a little and it will get back to normal. Just dont blow up anymore, it only makes it more awkward and stresful.

It will be fine, just focus on good parts and how much you love him. Internet hugs to you!

Post # 5
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
confused333444:  I would stop asking him stuff and go to therapy promptly to continue to grow away from the baggage and pain and instead keep growing into the wonderful person you are when you are not overreacting! Learn to keep a few things and feelings to yourself. Do more to be kind to you and to take care of you rather than being hyper vigilant to his every vibe. Find more things to make you happy apart from your SO. When you have been in a bad rrelationship in the past, you temporarily lose sight of things that once made you happy. 

Rori Raye has some excellent free online posts about how to handle when he withdraws (most guys do temporarly) and what to do to get over bad feelings after you say things you regret or act needy. Reading her has definitely helped me

Post # 6
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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confused333444:  You are pushing him away right now.  You have been pretty mean to him and you need to let things settle, not just expect them to go back to normal immedietly post fight.  He probably IS considering whether this relationship is for him…don’t add fuel to the fire right now, just be patient.  I assume you’ve also apologized?  If not, that’s a great place to start.  You could also consider doing something nice for him to make up for causing him aditional stress during such a hard time.  Things like this can help you show that you’re a giving partner.  We all make mistakes, sometimes we have to make up for them.

It sounds like you think you have some emotional bagage to work through that’s hindering your ability to move on from your ex and have a healthy relationship.  That’s really tough, I’m so sorry!  I would either seek out a couselor who can help you get in touch with your feelings and work on strategies to change your behavior or find a couple of books to work on it.  I think this is something you can overcome with a little reflection, help, and work.  It’ll be worth it in the long run.

Post # 7
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

You need to focus first on yourself. If you are unable to help yourself, you will never be able to help him or any of your relationships. The intensity of your feelings and the way you act them out are unhealthy for BOTH of you (screaming, hiding them, etc.). You are so scared of being left by him unexpectedly, that you are pushing him away intentionally. Please, see a therapist. I have been in your shoes and, believe me, it is better to let it all out with a professional.

Post # 8
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
confused333444:  Relationships experience ups and downs, its apart of the growing pains of a healthy relationship. However when an indivdual has not done any personal healing as it realates to deep seated pains and disappointments, good intentions can turn out to be a nightmare.  Even though you have left a damaging relationship the patterns of an unhealthy attachment style looks to be woven into you ability to express your emotional needs in a healthy way.  As it has been stated you may benefit from talking to a professional about what has happened and is currently going on in your life. You will need to be working on healing and wholeness in order to experience the totality of what a healthy relationship has to offer. I wish you well on your journey to wholeness. 

Post # 9
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
confused333444:  Maybe you need to take a long break from relationships. You don’t sound ready.

Post # 10
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

The first thing I noticed — you are putting too much stock into texting.  Texting, though it has a place in life, takes literally the least amount of effort.  It also makes it tough to know how the other person is feeling as emotions and emphasis are not portrayed via words.  Like right now as you read my words…you can’t tell how I am feeling because you can’t hear me talk.  So take the time to CALL him or spend more time with him in person if you can.

You are also getting to the point where the relationship likely is leveling off a bit.  At the year mark in any relationship, things aren’t nearly as new and different.  Because of that you probably aren’t talking as much, or things don’t seem quite as exciting when you talk.

Unfortunately you also did not handle this well at all.  You let relationship insecurity and worry get in the way when your boyfriend was going through a tough time.  Instead of opening up and talking to him, you let things fester and get worse and worse and worse.  Exploding at him was not the right way to deal with this.  Your intent was to get answers and open up conversation but in reality you probably drove him away.

I will also say your youth really does shine through here.  If this were a healthy relationship it would not have gotten to this point and you would have TALKED to each other.

Post # 11
Member
33 posts
Newbee

this sounds just like me after I got out of my 7 year relationship and met my bf now. Like me I think you are letting the past affect your now.  STOP!! You will push him away with your insecruties.  I had the same issues with my now bf.  I needed to realize and get it in my head that my guy now IS NOT my ex!!  My guy and I are 3 months shy of 2 years and it took me a good year to realize that he will never do to me what my ex did. You also have to learn to be ok with yourself first.

Post # 13
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I just  wanted to say, keep going.  Take it a day at a time, yet remember the big picture is to be together in a happy and wholesome relationship.

I know counselling is expensive.  But for me, it was so worth it because of my personal background I had some issues I was dragging into our engagement and relationship.  I really needed to work on me and dealing with some of my own insecurities separately from dumping them on him, you know.  So I just push you to really take that suggestion seriously — even look into group counseling.  

There are also some good books and sites out there that you can research and read and do self questionnaires and stuff too and not be paying for them.  I really recommend the 7 principles for making marriage work.  It’s such a great book that helps with realizing there may actually be issues you will never get over or be able to resolve.  But it’s all about how you approach it and talk to each other about it that makes or breaks if you can still be together.  So if you’re having basically the same fight and issues over and over, they will be the ones you will struggle with for life.  And you need to learn to deal with them now.

I think also, GREAT JOB! on telling him that you need more consistent expressions of love.  It’s hard for us to say that sometimes, and I’m so glad you did.  

And last, fwiw, my husband had told me before that when we’d have similar fights and I’d be so insecure, he couldn’t help but wonder if I were actually trying to make him break up with me.  So just realize, what you say, can lead your boyfriend to actually think the things you’re afraid of.  Does that make sense?  

 

Post # 14
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t have a ton of experience in this. I only had short relationships before I met my current boyfriend. I did somehow have trust issues that I think were due to stories and experiences from friends, not me directly. 

I was very open with my boyfriend from the beginning and said that I was always afraid that I would find a perfect guy who then would change or be hiding things from me. He was super supportive, and the first month or two we dated, I would ask him about things and he would explain to show me there was nothing to worry about. I really do believe if I wouldn’t have been open and talked to him at the beginning, I would have blown up at some point. 

It doesn’t hurt to tell him your feelings when they happen so that they don’t blow up and become much bigger. I think it’s always better to sit down and talk rationally than yell and let everything out at once. You always end up regretting things you say. Just my two cents. Hope this helped 🙂 

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