(Closed) Confused about the waiting…..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Fiance didn’t think I knew what he was up to, but I found out. He’s not very sneeky. I think a lot of women these days have an inkling of when it will happen because they have the “pre-engagement” talks with their SO’s.

I would say that it is a lot less common, this day and age, to be COMPLETELY suprised.

Post # 4
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was proposed to after six months, but we’d discussed the possibility of marriage prior to that.  When he “popped the question” it was a surprise and was the same day he got the e-ring – he didn’t wait.  It is hard to understand why a man would have the ring and not go ahead and propose, but I know some do wait.  It would be torture to me, so I’m glad I did not have to go through that with Fiance.

Post # 6
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsS2b17:  A lot of people talk about marriage before they get engaged to make sure they are both ready and compatible

Post # 8
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MrsS2b17:  those are just different words for the same thing.

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Have seen this on other forums, they have a pre engaged section, I totally understand discussing the possibility of marriage with your OH, as you want to know where the relationship is headed, as the last thing you want to do is waste your time with someone that doesn’t feel the same way.

But I don’t get choosing the ring together and waiting for him to propose, surely by picking out a ring that means that you are technically engaged….. I mainly don’t understand women that will go hunting for the ring or for signs that a ring has been purchased, why ruin the surprise? you hopefully only experience the lovely surprise of a proposal just once in your life! 

Lastly the whole timeline thing is harsh, nothing worse knowing that you need to force someone to make that decision, they should be able to do it in there own time, when they are ready and do it exactly how they want to, not be forced into doing it by a certain date… but hey, each to their own, this is just my opinion 

Post # 10
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MrsS2b17:  Our pre-engagement talk was just talking about the future, finances, what we want in our lives, etc. Neither of us wanted to be 3 years into marriage and panicking because I hid debt or Fiance didn’t want kids. It’s nothing crazy, but it was a good time to get on the same page, talk about our future plans (i.e. get engaged within a year, save to buy a house within 2 years, etc)

Post # 12
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

Some couples are just very VERY much a team and have trouble keeping ANYTHING from each other…to the point where they even do all the engagement prep together.

I actually know where and when I’m being proposed to (tomorrow, at an arboretum!), but I don’t know how he’s doing it.  I also know what my ring looks like, since it was my great-grandmother’s engagement ring and I inherited it.  My man couldn’t hide it from me, and I couldn’t keep myself from being a part of it.  It’s just the way our relationship works.  We’ll be walking hand-in-hand into our engagement, doing it *together*…and that just fits us so well.  

As far as timelines go, I think in many cases it’s not some horribly negative ultimatum.  A guy might be a procrastinator, or he might not realize how long it takes to plan a wedding, or he might not have thought about the fact that if he wants kids in X years or by X date then he needs to get married within a certain time period.  Some guys fail to see the big picture (or they seemingly lack all concept of time), so the girl has to give him a nudge. 

Post # 13
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

A lot of guys will wait just to make sure they have the perfect proposal ready. Like, say he gets the ring, but you’re not going on vacation until a month later and he wants to propose then. Or like my SO and I. We only see each other on weekends, but if he happens to get the ring on a Monday, he’d have to wait at least five days before he could propose [not a very long wait, but still a wait].

I think that if you pick a ring together you’re as good as engaged, but some couple, like us, prefer to make it “official” by him getting down on one knee and presenting the ring. My SO and I picked the ring together, and I know he’s making payments. But, I don’t know when he’ll propose or how he’ll do it. That part will be a surprise. We’re both really excited to start calling each other “fiance” so I don’t think he’ll wait very long once he finally has the ring in his possession.

I get where you’re coming from, to an extent. I don’t understand the guys who have had the ring for months or years and still haven’t proposed. That seems strange to me.

Post # 14
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would not have gotten engaged if we didn’t talk about it depth beforehand. Not so much about when it will happen… more about expectations of the wedding (and a budget).

Post # 15
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Speaking as a person who isn’t engaged yet…

I can only speak for myself but, it is very important to me that my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I talk about marriage and kids and the future before diving into it.  I don’t believe this is the case for everyone but for my boyfriend and I it was something that was necessary.  We want to make sure we’re on the same page and I’m glad that he brought it up to me because some of the things I just never even really put much thought into, such as when to have kids, etc…  He knows that I have career plans and I know that he does too so it’s a matter of working together to make a life together.  A timeline has such a bad reputation as something that’s forced but for us it wasn’t a “you have to propose by this date or I’m leaving…” it was him asking me when I thought I would be ready to have kids, and when he was ready to have kids, and talking about it.  And yes it should be when he is ready, but since it will directly affect my life too, it should be when I am ready too.  So it’s a WE thing.

In regards to the ring, my boyfriend has made it very clear that he would like me to chose my own.  He’s reasoning is that I will be the one wearing it everyday for the rest of our lives so he wants me to love it.  Especially if he is paying a pretty penny for it and I think that’s very thoughtful of him.  And to me it’s not the SURPRISE that’s important, it’s the declaration to everyone that WE want to spend the rest of our lives together that’s important.  🙂

Some guys have the ring but wait to propose for a lot of reasons!  To throw their girlfriend off, to pick the RIGHT moment.  My friend held onto the ring for 9 months before he proposed because he wanted to get the proposal just right and it took him 9 months to finally come up with the best proposal!  He said he went and got the ring that they picked out together immediately that way he can have it with him for when he came up with the perfect proposal.  Sure he didn’t think it would take him as long as it did to come up with it but he only gets to do it one time so he wanted all his ducks in line.

I’m not saying that any way is the right way, but I think that it’s different for every couple and individual.  I may not understand it but if it works for them it does.  All that really matters is that you’re marrying the love of your life!! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

As a waiting bee, I’ll give you my perspective on this:

  I’ve found most of the ladies who don’t understanding waiting weren’t in the dating stage long enough to hit that point.  Or their SOs didn’t do or say things to shake their confidence about the guy ever comitting.  My SO did all these things, and I came very close several times to breaking up with him over it.  I won’t give too many details, but let’s just say the last year has some really low moments.

 We’ve been together close to 3 years, and that’s 1 year longer than I would have liked us to be dating.  A couple months ago, I finally told him “I want to be married by “x”, and engaged for at least “x” amount of time, because this isn’t fair to me.”  After that moment, our relationhip became stronger.  I wish I’d done it sooner.  He’s been more sweet and loving than ever.

As for the ring, I’ve picked it out myself.  If he hadn’t been taking so long, I never would have started looking.  Secondly, I don’t trust his taste.  Thirdly, I knew I didn’t want a diamond, and that’s what he’d buy if he didn’t know any better.  I wanted to find a more budget-friendly option.

 

I also think that as far as discussing marriage, I think it’s a good idea before taking the plunge.  It’s important to know that you guys have compatible beliefs and philosophies.  It’s important to know you guys are good at communicating.  That you guys are compatible with how you deal with finances, how you’ll approach parenting, where you’ll live, etc. I’ve seen too many bad relationships to not discuss these sorts of things first.

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