(Closed) Confused about what I should do

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So you’re not engaged?  Or you’re engaged but he won’t set the date?

Post # 4
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Okay, I have to say, he’s not emotionally not ready to “sign a license.” That’s not all a marriage is, and it’s a good sign that he’s actually thinking hard about what a marriage does entail PAST signing the license because it means he takes it seriously. I can never fault a guy for not wanting to propose because he knows he’s not ready for marriage. I know you can’t change how you feel, but you really have to try and reconcile your different feelings toward marriage right now. And to be honest, if you’re fighting as much as you say you are over this, that’s not exactly the biggest incentive to give him to marry you. Just chill out, take it easy for a few months, and bring it up in the future when you’re less anxious about this one date. You cannot and do not want to bully him into proposing to you, trust me. 

Post # 6
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

Hmm this is tough.  Do you feel that he was pressured to propose before he felt ready?  What I mean is, I wonder why he was emotionally ready to propose, but not to start the wedding planning process?  In my mind, the time you’re engaged should be used to plan the wedding.  If a couple is engaged but not ready for marriage, that seems like it could cause a problem.  But if he’s not ready, he’s not ready.  I think trying to change his mind will only make him more unsure of how he feels.   Maybe if you just go a month or two without bringing it up, he’ll bring it up on his own?

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@glittermoon: 

…Oh. Well in that case I don’t really know what to say since I guess he has kind of proposed? It just seems like, from an outsider’s point of view, he sort of just went along with whatever you wanted for awhile to make you happy (a ring, an unofficial engagement, then just calling it a real one) and now he realizes that he can’t keep doing that because he’s not ready to get married quite yet. 

Post # 8
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ohheavenlyday:  I have to agree, that’s what this sounds like.

I definitely wouldn’t pressure him, you’ll be starting off on the wrong foot.  If you’re committed and in love with him, what’s the harm in waiting?

Post # 9
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ohheavenlyday: It just seems like, from an outsider’s point of view, he sort of just went along with whatever you wanted for awhile to make you happy

Totally agree.

Post # 10
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hmm…..

So besides this whole engagement/wedding ordeal, tell me about your relationship. Is it an equal partnership, do you fight over things, is he an amazing guy, is everything great except ___? Any insight into your lives would be great!

Post # 11
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yeah, I’m sorry but to be totally honest, it doesn’t sound like he really considers you engaged. He can talk about a guest list and all that stuff with you every once in awhile to keep you happy. But, he refuses to talk about or set an actual date?? Seriously?

If this man wanted to marry you he would be screaming it from the roof tops so every knew how much he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.

And, your grandmothers ring is what you are wearing as your ering? Did he actually propose with that ring or did you just start wearing it and the two of you came to an “agreement” that it was more than a promise ring? Your post wasn’t clear on that.

I’m really sorry if I sound harsh but everything you’ve posted makes me think he’s just going along with whatever you say to keep you around and content but doesn’t have much desire to taking any farther…esp not life long.

Post # 13
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ohheavenlyday: You hit the nail on the head. He needs to give you a ring or tell your families or something! It’s hard for me to consider it an engagement if you/him haven’t told anyone or don’t have a ring or don’t have mutual commitment or a kind-of time frame for when the wedding will happen.

As long as you are on the same page, don’t worry about what other people think.

But if you guys aren’t on the same page about engagement, weddings, etc. make sure you have a discussion about it and get it all figured out. Otherwise it’ll eat away at you.

Post # 15
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

What do you expect to change because you’re married?  Given the past history of abandonment, I’m guessing you need the wedding/marriage to feel security.  I think you need to continue working on you and not press the wedding.  He definitely doesn’t sound ready.  If you’re adamant that a wedding is what you want and you’re unhappy without it, then you need to reconsider staying with him (if that’s ultimately the only thing that will make you happy).  Trust me, if he’s not ready to be married, getting married is NOT the answer.

Post # 16
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@glittermoon: okay you bought up some great things and points. Obviously this engagement is brining up some abnadoment issues, perhaps he doesn’t really want you or forever for that matter.

 You also rave about how great you get along and he understands you etc, but now you are questioning if you are on the same page and you  can be with a guy who may be “wasting ” your time.

I think you are still recovering from all the horrific things in your life and need some reassurance which is why he has made these semi-engagements, even though he may not be ready yet to pick a date.

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