(Closed) Confused about what I should do

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
553 posts
Busy bee

@glittermoon: He loves you. He must love you to be with you for 2+ years and engage in such intimate converstaions as your abusive past, in addition to moving in with you and discussing such a serious topic as marriage. He might have felt pressured to become engaged in fear that you would leave him because you might have assumed he wouldn’t take you, the relationship or your future seriously. He knows you have abandoment issues and probably didn’t want to disappoint you, but simply might not be ready for marriage. He may feel smothered by your discussing something that he is not yet ready for and so, you two may argue about this. You wouldn’t want someone feeling obligated to marry you when they did not feel or want it in their heart, I assume. I say have a serious conversation with him about how happy he is in your current relationship. Let him know that you can be patient and wait for his time to come, if he can assure you he is happy with you. Relationships can be painful and obviously most do not work out, unfortunately. If you learn to live in the moment, you will appreciate so much more than if your mind is swimming in the future. Instead of worrying about when he will be ready to take your relationship to the next step, consider that he is with you today and that you are grateful for this. Whethere he will be there tomorrow is as much a mystery as if you will be here tomorrow, but he is with you today and you simply need to appreciate that to avoid dwelling on the future. I wish you the best! 

Post # 18
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with the other bees.  However, I would also look at this from another perspective.  You came from an abusive household.  You have a lot of abandonment issues.  You’ve felt vulnerable and emotionally unstable for awhile–and that’s totally normal based on your background.  But if I was dating someone who was going to therapy and trying to work on their childhood trauma, I would want to make sure that person had enough time to deal with their own baggage, before I would marry them.  I would want that person to be a WHOLE person, happy with themselves, before entering into a marriage.  If a person is still dealing with their emotional trauma, adding the pressures of marriage won’t help.  Most trauma victims grow into adults with several self-esteem issuses.  It’s not their fault, BUT if a person can’t love themselves, how do they fully feel confident in a loving relationship with another person?  Maybe your fiance feels the same way, and is just giving you time to heal before you make a decision to commit for life. 

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