Post # 1
Here’s the long low down…..
My bf has been married once before. I have never been married. We are both in our mid 30s and kids from previous relationships. We have been together for over 3 years, live together, and share basically everything. 2 years ago we bought an engagement ring after talks about getting engaged. It still sits on my shelf collecting dust. Upon asking in a sad wonderment one night as to why it still sits there….he flat out said he no longer wants to get married….it’s stupid….and it ruins people….and if I want to get married that badly then I should find someone else. I cried….a lot…and nearly ended it right there. Fast forward a few weeks of strained discussions and trying to figure out what next….I made an attempt to sell the ring. He asked me not to….to please hang on to it. A few days later he talked about how things will be when we are 80….I responded with “do you think we will still be together then?”….he said he hoped so. Upon asking what I wanted for Christmas I said I just wanted my ring……and if that wasn’t possible then I really didn’t want any gifts. Sincerely meant this. Well….he did give me gifts….none of which was my ring. Although I enjoy my gifts….I can’t help but be disappointed that he didn’t listen and respect my wishes. Now it’s Christmas eve and our gift giving is complete……and I know full well that ring will still collect more dust for who knows how long….I’m kind of at a crossroads. I don’t want marriage for the sake of marriage….I want marriage because he’s the guy I want to be looking at when I’m 80…..but I don’t want to be an 80 year old girlfriend watching everyone around us be married….watch our kids grow up and be married…or grandkids…..and I’m nothing but a girlfriend…..I’m really not seeking advice or reassurance….I just need to vent somewhere where maybe I’m understood a bit while I figure my life out
Post # 2
Bottom line, how important is marriage to you? Because if it’s a top priority for you and it’s really something you want for yourself and your relationship, then this may not be the right relationship for you.
Post # 3
It’s not the idea of marriage….it’s being committed to just this one person….and having that in return…..but the constant 180° with his attitude towards the subject is exhausting and I’m considering setting a timeline….if it doesn’t happen by then…..I guess I know I tried my best and we go our separate ways
Post # 4
Ugh, I’m so so sorry, Bee. If you don’t want to be an 80 year old girlfriend then it sounds like you need to find someone else. This man isn’t going to marry you, so if marriage is a non-negotiable, then its time to leave.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
This man has flat out told you that he doesn’t want to get remarried and suggested you seek a different companion if thats what you want. These were his honest feelings. Now are you ok with likely never marrying this individual or not? If you are then firmly let him know you’re selling the ring bc you see no use in keeping it. If not I would take his suggestion and find someone that won’t have you posting in a waiting board.
Post # 6
To my mind, he hasn’t treated you respectfully by purchasing the ring and then letting it sit there, causing you pain for 2 years. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, so don’t question yourself. This man is not feeling the same though and you deserve better.
Post # 7
So in a nutshell- he has stated clearly that he doesn’t want to marry you but he wants you to keep the ring so that he can forever dangle the possibiity that he may change his mind so you better hang around just in case? Nah, time to move along.
Post # 8
desiderata : that’s pretty much how I’m feeling right now
Post # 9
Oh, dear Bee, he is not constantly doing 180s on the idea of marrying you. He bought you a ring two years ago. Then he pretended there was no ring, leaving you confused and hurting.
At long last, an honest discussion happens. He confesses the truth—he does not want to get married. Period. Not now. Not ever. He feels so strongly about this that he is willing to give you up to go find someone else, with his blessings.
Honey Bee, if he rented a billboard, he could not make this more clear.
It was not decent of him to keep you on a string for two years. Maybe he didn’t. Perhaps with time and maturity, his future became more clear to him.
Your task, Bee, is to begin accepting the reality of your situation. I know it’s a lot to take in. The man you’re with will not marry you. Setting a timeline in your mind would be like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. He has given you absolutely no reason to believe he will change his position. None.
Your bf has been in charge of your future for two years now, Bee. And he has not done a good job with it. It’s time to take your power back.
Post # 10
What on earth is a timeline going to do except torture yourself? Are you into masochism?
He flat out told you he does not want to marry you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not in 80 years. This isn’t a sudden 180. It happened two years ago. Every day for the last 730 days that he hasn’t proposed he has been saying he doesn’t want to marry you. The only thing that changed is you finally dug your head out of the sand, noticed he wasn’t putting a ring on it, and finally made him say it out loud. So while it may seem new or sudden to you, he’s been clearly on board the “not gonna marry you” train for quite some time. Exactly what is another 100 days going to do to change the last 730?
Post # 11
He told you to find someone else if you want to get married. There is no grey area here. There is nothing to “figure out”. He does not want to get married. He couldn’t have been more clear with not only his words, but his actions as well. If you want marriage, then you need a different partner. If you want him as your partner, then you need to abandon your desire for marriage. He’s made it clear you can’t have both.
Post # 12
Two years of pain and anxiety……don’t waste anymore time, leave him and find someone else who wants the same things as you.
Post # 13
Unfortunately, I’m with the previous Bees on this one. He has clearly stated what he wants in the relationship, he doesn’t want to enter into a marriage again after his previous divorce and has given you an out since he knows marriage is what you want. You setting a timeline isn’t respecting his viewpoint in marriage, you’ll be setting yourself up for heartache.
I think you both need to sit down and have a frank discussion about both of your expectations for the future and if one of you isn’t willing to compromise then maybe it’s not meant to be.
Post # 14
Put the ring on a finger on your dominant hand. Now use that hand to make a fist and punch him in the fucking throat.
Post # 15
Ironic that he says marriage ruins relationships when he can only make one work by finding someone who will be as commitment-phobic as he.