Post # 1
i was recently proposed to by my boyfriend. We’ve been together about 1.5 years (a little more). During the early stages of our relationship for 9 months he was deployed. We chose to stay together & be committed during that time he was gone. I felt that if we could survive a deployment, then it really was meant for us to be together.
Now in July he proposed while we were at a family reunion of his. I never really expressed how I wanted a proposal to go down, he just knew what type of ring I wanted which is all I really cared about having a say in. However, after he proposed my family, particularly mom, has not been as supportive as they could be. She was upset that his family was there & not her or my father. Also, she feels as if he was selfish and did it how he wanted, not me. He did not take into consideration what I wanted. I’m very shy so I am not a big fan of things happening in front of big crowds (like a proposal in front of his family). However that didn’t really bother me as much as I thought. Also it didn’t bother my father, he gave my fiancé his blessing.
Anyways, fast forward and there is still a disconnect between my mom and my fiancé due to his “actions” and him acting “selfishly.” Her voicing all of these opinions of him is getting to me, making me worry, making me think “is he the wrong one? Should I continue dating?” I was so excited when I was with him, & his family. All of my worry happened when I called my family to tell them we’re engaged. I feel as if I must chose her or him. Chose my mother and break my engagement or chose him & lose my mother. This worry and anxiety has been affecting my health as well. Help!!!!!!
Post # 2
I think you should take a step back and think about the proposal in terms of yourself and yourself only. You said you felt excited when it happened which is a great feeling to have when getting engaged. If you never really expressed how you’d like a proposal to go down specifically I’m sure he just thought about something you’d both enjoy. Only you can know if what he decided to do wasn’t perfect for you but even if it wasn’t, people can’t read each other’s mind’s and it sounds like he tried to make you happy with it.
It seems like this anxiety is stemming from your family (specifically your Mum) feeling left out of the proposal which is a shame for her I guess but it wasn’t to do with her, or his family either. He chose to include his which was nice but no one should hold that against either of you. Have you talked to him about how your Mum is making you feel? I think it’s important to have support with this and he is someone who could be there for you. Don’t let your Mother’s feelings for him affect your own. If you were happy with the proposal then it doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks. If you can see a future with this man then that’s what matters. If I were you I’d tell her to stop saying stuff about him/ shut her down quickly if she tries to. You and him are a team now and you need to support each other and have one another’s back.
Post # 3
It seems like the only person who’s having a problem with all this is your mom. You even said your father doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
So she wasn’t there when he proposed, big whoop. Most parents aren’t around when couples get engaged. You fiance may have thought since you’d be joining his family, it made sense to propose at a big reunion. And you said that you didn’t mind the public proposal so why are you letting your mom change your mind?
TL:DR, your mom needs to get over herself and stop making you feel bad about YOUR engagement.
Post # 4
mnelson94 : the only one being selfish is your mother. She isn’t thinking about you, she’s thinking about her. She wanted to be there and she didn’t get to witness something when his family did.
You’re confused as this might be the first time you’ve had to set a boundary with your mother and it’s hard but necessary. Tell your mum everything you put in this post – you weren’t bothered how he proposed you were more concerned with getting the ring right (which I assume he did), had you thought about your proposal you might not have wanted his family there or your family but you actually really enjoyed the proposal more than you thought. Tell her that you’re entering into a marriage and the proposal is about the two of you, you got your dream ring and he got to propose in the way he wanted. The proposal isn’t actually about the woman, it’s about the man too. Tell your mother you’re really excited about the engagement and you want her support as you enter this next stage of your life. Calling your partner selfish is not support and she needs to stop that because she is hurting your feelings.
Good luck, I don’t think it will be easy having that conversation.
Post # 5
When you marry your basic allegiance has to be to your husband and the new family you build together. Your family of origin becomes extended family; you and your husband (and any children you might have) are now your nuclear family. If you can’t make that shift, you are probably not ready to get married.
It sounds to me like your mother does not want to let go of you. I hope she will grow more reasonable and accepting, but so far it doesn’t sound promising. I’m sorry. However, if you are ever to be an adult, she can no longer be the most important person to you. That you would even consider not getting married so that she will stop criticizing your fiance is very troublesome, both in her behavior and in your response.
Post # 6
PS I wouldn’t have all that heart-opening conversation with your mother. She’s behaving too irrationally and unkindly. I would tell her to stop criticizing your fiance or she will damage her relationship with both of you–period.
Post # 7
The only one being selfish is your mom! She is mad she wasnt there for the proposal and is trying to paint him as selfish for proposing in front of people becaueS you are shy… You need to shut her down asap.
You just need to say, Mom, I love him and am marrying him and I loved his proposal. People change and grow and I am shy but proposing in front of his family was sweet and I liked it and it was not selfish. I know you are upset that his family was there and you wernt but feeling that way is on you. And you trying to paint him as selfish is not okay. I won’t listen to you talking bad about him or the way we got engaged.
Then if she ever brings it up or talks poorly of him, hang up on her, walk out of the room, don’t respond.
Post # 8
My opinion on this apparently isn’t shared, but I have to say your guy didn’t make the best choice on how your proposal went down. A proposal can happen a lot of different ways. It can be private and personal or amongst others, but since your Fiance chose to do it in front of family it was sort of short sighted that it was only his family.
Having said that, I don’t think this makes him a horrible person or someone you should re-think spending your life with.
And as for your mother, I would imagine a genuine ” I’m sorry you weren’t there for the proposal, I got caught up in the excitement of spending the rest of my life with your daughter and didn’t think to include you” from your Fiance would go a long way to smoothing her ruffles feathers. However, if she continues to snip about it then you will definitely need to shut her down with some stern words about how she talks about your chosen life partner.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Your mother is NOT owed an apology at all. The engagement is not about her, it is about you and your Fiance. She’s being a brat about everything and is ruining your engagement and making you question a proposal you had no problem with just because she feels good family got something she didn’t. Welcome to boundary setting 101. She was not entitled to be there or take part in your engagement. Tell her to get off your back about it and to stop trying to make you hate a proposal you didn’t hate until she started complaining.
Post # 10
Your mother is out of line. She has no “right” to be present at your engagement. You and your fiancé are both perfectly happy with it.
Why is your mother able to make you doubt yourself? If you’re old enough to be getting engaged, it is far past time that you break free of her having that kind of influence over you.
When you get married, your parents and their opinions will take a back seat to your husband and the mutual decisions the two of you make. They must, quite frankly. I pity your future husband if this will be an ongoing thing.
Post # 11
cassandra7 : “That you would even consider not getting married so that she will stop criticizing your fiance is very troublesome, both in her behavior and in your response.”
OP, I understand being stressed out by your mom’s behavior, but you’re taking things to a disturbing level with contemplating breaking off your engagement over this. You aren’t thinking like an independent adult; you’re thinking like a child who still has to answer to your parents. The problem isn’t the way your fiance proposed, and it’s not even your mother’s reaction. It’s your own mindset, which is that of a dependent, not an adult woman.
You don’t have to choose between your fi and your mother. If you marry your fi and your relationship with your mother falls apart, that’s because of HER choice, not yours. Once you accept this, you’ll feel very liberated. If you can’t accept it, then you aren’t ready to get married anyway.
Post # 12
How old are you? Are you still living at home? I don’t ask to be rude, but more just to get a sense of where you’re coming from. As far as your Mom, I would try just saying something like ‘Mom, I am really excited to be getting married to X, it would really mean a lot to me for you to share my excitement about the future, rather than focusing on the past”
Post # 13
Your mom sounds crazy town.
Post # 14
The only person that this proposal bothered was your mother. You need to ask yourself if it wasn’t for your mother’s attitude would how he proposed really matter? Your mother is poisioning your relationship. If you really think that you have to make a choice between your mother and your future husband because your mother is acting like a spoiled child, what is going to happen when you start to make wedding plans with your future mother in law and your mother doesn’t get to be involved picking out say flower’s? Your going to let her have this much control over your life? Just think about it, your would break up with your fiance’ because your mother had a hissy fit because she didn’t she you get engaged and his family did. Really? Bee your mother is a control freak. She will continue to be this way in your marriage if you don’t put your foot down now.
Post # 15
Your mother is an idiot. Your proposal is not about her or her needs. I’m all for respecting your parents but in this case you need to be firm and tell her to knock this shit off. My guess is that shes very used to pouring and co.plaining to get her way and that shes someone who is always concerned about what other people are getting vs her.