Confused and hurt

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

This is tough. What was the status of your relationship at the time he cheated? Casually dating, in a serious relationship..? I can see why you’re hurt, and I would be too. I would at least go to couples counseling and sort through your feelings. Because it was years ago, I’d at least try to sort through the issues before completely throwing in the towel. 

Post # 4
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m so sorry bee. I’m a little confused about how you found out though. Did your mutual friend tell you about it?

Infidelity is hard for anyone to get past. But the fact that your partner never said a word to you about his betrayal until he was caught makes it hard to imagine how you could ever trust him again. How do you know this was the only time it happened? What else has he done when he was too blacked out to remember (which by the way is NOT an excuse…alcohol lowers our inhibitions but doesn’t change who we are at the core)?

At the minimum I would call off the wedding for now. Your partner is not who you thought he was. Not only is he capable of cheating…he’s capable of hiding it from you for years. I repeat: how do you ever trust someone like that again?

Take care of yourself…you deserve better than this.

Post # 6
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Leave him.  Why would you ant to be with someone who would go that to you?  I firmly believe once a cheater always a cheater.  You deserve better.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you deserve more than a crappy guy who cheats on you.

Post # 7
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Did he admit it when you confronted him?

Post # 8
Member
6592 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

delilah22 :  Devil’s advocate, I suppose, but does your boyfriend remember this at all?  Like even now?  I ask because this is a weird series of coincidences and frankly I’d have trouble believing it. So she slept with him 5 years ago?  Or was that just a random guess she made?  Was it 8? Or does he look like someone she slept with?  Why’d she feel the need to mention it at all?  I don’t know, unless your fiance had a real reaction to this instead of just confusion, I’d be prepared to consider it trouble making and let it go.

On the other hand, if he really did cheat, I’m generally of the “once a cheater” line of thinking.  I’m also someone who wouldn’t date anyone who got wasted though, it’s unattractive to me.  Maybe some counseling to work out what really happened and decide your next move from there?

Post # 11
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry bee but if he can seriously keep this as a secret all this time, who knows what else he has kept from you. Regardless of whether or not he was drunk, that is NO excuse. 

Post # 12
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

Personally I’d call off the wedding and end the relationship, but cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I know that it’s not for everybody. I would feel that if he hid this from you for five years, he’s capable of hiding other things and I don’t think trust could ever be restored for me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 13
Member
4791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

delilah22 :  5 years ago? I would let it go and give him  chance.  Has he been a good bf for the past 5 years?  Treats you with love and respect? People make mistakes. 5 years is a long time ago. I would wonder why this girl would want to tell you this now. It doesn’t do anything good for you, just makes you feel like crap. Talk to your fiance about this and don’t make any sudden decisions that you might regret later. Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
9663 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would always be wondering what else he is hiding. It would be one thing to try to work through it if he had been honest about it 5 years ago but he’s hidden it from you for 5 years and would have kept hiding it if he hadn’t gotten called out on it. 

I don’t know how you could regain trust after this.

Post # 15
Member
4103 posts
Honey bee

delilah22 :  “What would you do if you found out your partner cheated years ago.”

Leave. 

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