- 10 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
So my fiance and I have been together for 2 years, engaged for six months, with plans to marry next summer. We met through business associates, and were friendly/flirty for several years before beginning to date. But once we did, the magic was instant. Within just a few weeks, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was the one (I’ve been in a handful of other serious relationships, including one that lasted for 5+ years, and have never felt so happy, so secure, and so completely in love). He proposed a year into our relationship, and we’ve been nothing but happy since. We adore each other’s families; we have wonderful friends; we have the same values; we’re in the same profession and share the same network of colleagues and business associates; we enjoy an extremely healthy sex-life; we are nothing but playful and happy, and in love. I’ve honestly never been with a man who tells me how much he adores me and how beautiful I am EVERY SINGLE DAY, without fail. We’ve been having a blast planning our wedding, honeymoon, and talk all the time about how we can’t wait to start a family. To top it all off, my mother (and best friend) was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer this year, and he’s been my rock. Completely supportive and there for me always. All perfect, right? Well, maybe not.
A few days ago, while he was away on business (and to my complete and utter devastation), I discovered an email from him to an old college acquaintance… a girl with whom he had a one night stand more than a decade ago. I cannot express just how shocking and hurtful it was to see this sitting in his inbox–sent just about a month ago, while I was home taking care of my mom. He’s since claimed that this girl reached out to him, that their exchange was brief, and most importantly that it meant absolutely nothing. Nevertheless, the email was extremely flirtatious in nature, and discussed their “planned evening” of catching up over a few glasses of wine the next time she happened to be in our city. He made a point of saying how much he was looking forward to the possibility of their “lips brushing…or am I getting ahead of myself?” wink wink. You get the tone. Basically, it made me want to throw up and left me completely gutted.
I confronted him and he came home early–insanely aplogetic, devastated, and begging for me to forgive him. He swears nothing happened and that the emails meant nothing. He says it was a silly, stupid fantasy that was never going to go anywhere and doesn’t exist in the real world. He’s held me in his arms for days, I’ve cried, we’ve talked it all to death, he truly seems remorseful and 100% ready to do anything I ask of him to help us move beyond this. I know technically he hasn’t cheated (and he’s since cut off all contact with her), but it FEELS like he has. It feels like a betrayal and I’m having a hard time getting the email out of my head. Seeing those words from him to another woman, so easy and flirtatious, have completely thrown me and I’ve gone from feeling incredibly safe to incredibly confused. I’m just not sure what to do. I love this man with all my heart. I know he loves me.
Some background: His father cheated on his mother for much of his childhood and he’s sworn to me (and for two years given me no reason to question) that he’s not in any way like his dad. But now I’m just not sure what to believe. I don’t want to torture him and hold this over his head forever, but what I just don’t get is why would he go looking for trouble when we’ve been as happy as we are? He claims this will never happen again; that he’ll spend the rest of our lives proving it to me. But I still can’t help feeling heartbroken, and like I’m setting myself up for jealousy, suspicion, and maybe getting hurt again down the line, when even more is at stake.
Meanwhile, my parents are gearing up to pay for what will be a gorgeous and expensive wedding, and I know deep down that if they knew about this, they’d never forgive him. (At least, my mother wouldn’t.) The same goes for my closest friends, and even his family. I’m basically stuck keeping this whole mess to myself, and I’m not ready to make any sudden moves, since this all happened less than a week ago. Part of me is ready to believe him, forgive him, and move on with our lives. But another part can’t help feeling worried about continuing to plan this wedding–not to mention an entire LIFE–with a person who has already hurt me before we’re even married. If something like this could happen now, when everything is so lovey-dovey and wonderful, what about a year from now, or five, or ten, when we hit those inevitable bumps in the marital road? Is a flirtatious email to another woman a reason to put our wedding on hold, or to cancel our engagement altogether? If so, how do I explain it to our friends, families, and business associates without telling them all the truth?
Sigh. I’m so confused. Am I crazy to be so hurt and upset over a few flirty emails? Or is this just a warning sign of things to come, despite his complete remorse and shame over hurting me? : ( Any advice would be so welcome and appreciated. Thank you…