(Closed) Confused and hurt – should I call off my engagement?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m confused about the e-mails.  Did they actually meet up?  Did they plan to meet up but you saw the e-mail and confronted him about it first?  I don’t know if any of this should matter, but I’m not too clear on the details of the e-mails.

Post # 4
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@EleanorRigby: I was thinking the same thing

Post # 5
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think they were “just a few flirty e-mails.” I mean, he mentioned wanting to kiss her. It’s great that he’s sorry, but I can’t help but assume that if you hadn’t brought it up with him, he never would have mentioned it to you. I would suggest seeing a counselor as a couple before you go any further with your engagement. 

Post # 6
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t call it off just yet. But I may put things on hold for a while until you are more calm. 

The wedding is a ways off and you still have some time to decide. 

Bad news: he messed up. Maybe this WAS a one time thing, maybe not. I think it might be too soon to tell. 

Good news: Your fiance was terribly apologetic and seemed to really mean it. If he turns around and makes it very clear to you that he has changed and you are his one and only love…. I would say forgive him and move on. 

 

If you get married… to anyone… they WILL hurt you someday. You will hurt them. That’s the sad truth. 🙁 We’re all broken in some way or another and if you guys were to get married without hurting the other during the relationship/engagement stage, I’d be concerned. 

 

Don’t make any hasty decisions but stay open and receptive to him. Genuinely wait and see if he means what he says. By the sounds of it, he does. I’m sorry this happened and I also wish you two the best. It sounds like you mean a lot to him and he means a lot to you. I’d hate for that to go to waste if it really IS a one-time dissapointment and he spends years regretting it. Either way, I think taking a break from going ahead with the wedding and determining your relationship with him would be a good idea! 

Post # 8
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

First off, i’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re not overreacting at all. Only you can decide if you can truly forgive him. My personal opinion, I would try to work through it but this is your relationship and if you don’t think you’ll ever move past it, then I wouldn’t go take the wedding planning any further. There was a post yesterday about a similar situation, I suggest reading through it because a lot of that advice would apply to you as well though in your case it seems like your FH is truly remorseful.

best of luck!!!

Post # 9
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ClareBear12: I wouldn’t believe that one…

If I were you I wouldn’t call of my engagment, but just push it back until you have time to think. WHat was his excuse for doing that kind of behavior?

 

Post # 10
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like couples counseling is something you should really conisder.  Thay way you can talk it all out and see where each other are at in the relationship, the professionals know what they are doing!

Post # 11
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with counseling.  Sounds like a hard thing because he “didn’t cheat” but yet he did. 

Post # 12
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Personally, I wouldn’t call it off right away.  If there are deposits due, I might hold off on paying them until you can figure things out.  I know this is cliche, but the first thing I would do is go to a counselor ASAP.

I think that, beyond figuring out how far these e-mails went and if he is trustworthy, you have to figure out for yourself what you are willing to live with.  Will you be able to forgive him for hurting you?  Will you be able to trust him?  Or are you going to be second-guessing everything he tells you and feel compelled to read his e-mails and text messages? 

Post # 13
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

@ClareBear12: I am sorry you’re going through this. I would feel devastated as well. I am jealous and take monogamy seriously.

However this is not the worst that could’ve happened. I have read on here and in real life how some fiances cheat (both men and women) and the wedding goes on, I am not agreeing with this I am just saying this is a worst case scenario.

I feel like if you’ve talked about this many times and you feel like you can trust him and this was a mistake he committed then I don’t feel you should call it off but I would just be cautious as to whether he would do this again.

Just know if you decide to stay with him and marry him you’ll have to forgive him, doesn’t mean you’ll forget it but it means that you won’t bring this up when you’re upset at him or you guys fight and you won’t be remorseful towards him. of course it’s easier said than done.

best of  luck to you! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You came across the e-mail because (I am guessing) you went through his e-mail? I am the last person to tell you that’s wrong (can’t say I haven’t done it myself) but I wonder if you had any suspicion before this that caused you to check the e-mail? I agree with everyone above-don’t cancel it just yet but I really do suggest couples counseling.

 

Misspumpkinbarry had a great point-we all hurt eachother at one point. It is entirely possible that his story is real. It doesn’t make it better but it maybe helps to know it wasn’t something he would actually go out and do?

Good luck to you.

Post # 15
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I may be biased because I’m in the field, but I agree you guys should go to counseling.  It’s a great way to talk things out with a mediator there to help guide the conversation.  I think your worries are completely understandable and yes he’s not talking to this girl anymore, but what if it happens again, etc (not saying it would but)…  you said his father cheated on his mother and that might be something important for him to explore in your therapy- he might be subconsciously sabataging something now because he’s worried he’ll turn into his father.  Anyway, if he’s willing, and it sounds like he is, I’d give that a shot.  It does sound like he truly loves and cares about you.  Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Fiance is flirtatious in nature. He flirts to get out of a ticket, flirts to get a free meal, he’d flirt with God to get in to heaven if he had to. But I know that about him and I know that it is innocent. He has had females send him messages via FB and text about missing him or wanting to be with him and he has flirted back. Some of which made me feel exactly the way you do, but I confronted him about it. I told him it was unacceptable and I drew a very bold and thick line as to what I was and was not willing to deal with. Like your FI he doesn’t talk to those ppl anymore (I deleted them from his phone and blocked them on FB.) and it is like it never happened.

I feel that if you hold on to an event such as this you will never be able to get over it and see your FI in the same like that you once did. No the sun doesn’t shine outta his ass, but it’s okay for you to think it does every once and a while. Idk how long ago this was, but I can tell you from experience that you holding on to this is only going to make it worst in the future. It will lead to distrust, jealousy, emotional outburst and possibly heartbreak. You have to decide if you believe it was what he says it was (no matter what ppl tell you,) and if you believe his apology. If you do, move on. Try to forget this part of your relationship and allow it to be an after thought. If you don’t, you will go through the next few months of your engagement and possibly marriage doubting yourself and EVERYTHING your FI does and tells you. And take it from me, that is not the way you want to live.

The topic ‘Confused and hurt – should I call off my engagement?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors