Post # 1
I’m writing as an anonymous bee today and I really need your help.
I recently learned that my dad had an affair. Long story short, my mom did not find out in the best way about this (why do mistresses think it’s a good idea to tell the family?).
Up until now, I had always looked at my parents’ marriage as a great example for myself and Fiance. Obviously, that’s no longer the case.
The wedding is only six months away. How do I move on from this? I’m so hurt and angry at my dad. Why didn’t they try to work things out before it all went to hell? (they’re going to try counselling, but really, that would have been a great step years ago, from what I understand).
And now that he’s broken his marriage vows, how do I reconcile that with having him walk me down the aisle on my big day?
If any of you have been in the same boat, can you share how you overcame your hurt and disappointment to forgive?
Post # 3
I’m so sorry this is happening in your family. I’m sorry I really don’t have good advice just **hugs**
Post # 4
Wow. Hugs to you.
I don’t know what to say other than talk to your Dad. Explain you are very dissapointed and hurt and you aren’t so sure you want him walking you down the asile anymore because he violated the vows you are about to take.
He obviously needs to repair his relationship with your mother, but he also needs to repair his relationship with you.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had something more to offer in terms of advice, but the hive is always here!
Post # 6
I know how you feel as this happened to me a year and a half ago. I don’t really have insight into how to move on as I am still not past it myself, but I will say that talking to your Dad is a good idea. The biggest reason I am unable to forgive mine is that he still refuses to broach the subject.
With time, it will get better, and you will see as I did that parents are just like us. Just as fallible and prone to making mistakes. It was a hard pill to swallow after a lifetime of worsipping them as ideal, but in the end I was able to come to terms with their imperfections and love them in spite of them. The difficulty in your case of course is that time isn’t on your side as your wedding is in 6 months. Maybe talking to a counsellor will help you see beyond the immediate and decide whether you still want him to walk you down the aisle or not.
I like to think that the disintegration of my parents marriage was helpful in demostrating to SO and I how important it is to continue to communicate and never take each other for granted.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry (((HUGS))) I can’t imagine what you’re going through except to say that I would be extremely upset if this happened in my family, especially if my father had no intention of breaking it off.
I think a good question to ask your father is what is he going to do next? If he decides to weather the storm and work to save his marriage, that could be a good indication of the commitment he made when he took his vows and maybe he does deserve to walk you down the aisle and stand up with you at your marriage. If he decides that his marriage is beyond repair, it doesn’t have to be a reflection on yours and I honestly don’t think anyone would think ill of you if your father didn’t walk you down.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to make any decisions now.
Post # 8
That basically happened to me, except the mistress didn’t spill the beans – my dad did via surpirse divorce papers to my mom. PS – the mistress is still in the picture, 5 years later. I want to tell you it gets easier to deal with, but it doesn’t 🙁 I’m still angry, I still think what he did was terrible, and while it might help if he and I had a better relationship, we don’t so maybe that’s a factor in why I’m still angry.
I didn’t want to cause any drama at my wedding because really, the wedding is about ME, not them, so I had my mom and dad both walk me down the aisle. I still did a father/daughter dance (during which my father told me there was “still time to get out of this” – wtf?). I don’t regret doing these things, but I know that in 20 years, maybe I would have regretted it if I didn’t.
Truthfully, your parents marriage has nothing to do with your marriage (it took me a long time to come to terms with that). What your dad did to your mom has no bearing on if he should walk you down the aisle. All he’s doing is walking you down the aisle… that’s it. What you choose to do at the end of the aisle (marry the love of your life) is all about YOU and not at all about your dad.
PM me if you want to talk about it – I got to meet my dad’s mistress on Christmas Day, so trust me when I say I know exatly what you’re going through.
Post # 9
Oh man, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. That’s not an easy thing to bounce back from anytime soon. I haven’t had this experience but I have a friend who has. The situation is a bit different because his father not only cheated but had another child outside of his marriage. And honestly, he still resents his father though he accepts his brother. Anyway, I think your Father owes you a serious talk. Not necessarily an explanation, but you need to talk to him as father and daughter AND as adults. Maybe that can give you some insight you don’t have now. I wouldn’t make any decisions until you speak privately with both of your parents. You may find that, at the end of the day, he’s still the father you love and you may still want him to be the one to walk you down the aisle. I wish you the best!
Post # 10
Hugs!! I agree with texasmeredith, work needs to be done to mend your relationship as well. I am so sorry, I don’t have any more words of advice, but am sending positive thoughts your way!
Post # 11
Thank you so much ladies – it’s nice (and sad at the same time) to know I’m not the only one who has been through something like this. My parents are going to see a counselor, and want to rebuild things. The mistress is no longer in the picture (which is why she went to my mom – woman scorned, huh?). My dad and I talked yesterday, and he knows I’m disappointed in him, but I didn’t know how to say that it’s caused me to question him walking me down the aisle. I know that would completely devastate him.
I guess I just need to adopt a wait and see attitude. I can’t fault them for trying to work things out. And if they both give 110% to trying to fix things and it still doesn’t work out, then that’s that. But if he only gives a half-hearted effort to fix what he broke, then maybe that will be my answer to if he deserves to “give me away”.
Post # 12
I think you should wait and see. He has a lot of relationship repairing to do. You have 6 months to see how much he can accomplish. Good luck!
Post # 13
My dad did the same thing and at the time I swore I’d never let him walk me down the aisle.
But time, which I know you don’t have, is a great healer and I’ve changed my mind.
It’s great you are able to talk to your dad about it and if he’s really commited to giving it another shot with your mum then walking you down the aisle might be quite symbolic and meaningful for you all.
Good luck, I know it’s not easy x
Post # 14
So sorry to hear this! I hope in the next few months you can strengthen your relationship with your dad by somehow forgiving him. I’m sure you are so angry and hurt right now. I hope it gets better soon-hope he will walk you down the aisle!! 🙂
Post # 15
I also had this happen, and unfortunately the mistress is now my stepmother. I’m so sorry you’re going through it, and I totally feel for you. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have it happen this close to your wedding. Every time I have ever talked to my dad about it, it’s been extremely awkward. Time is the only thing that has allowed me to heal, and unfortunately you don’t have that luxury. I would suggest maybe seeing a counselor, which could also help you sort out your feelings regarding your parent’s marriage and your marriage. Best of luck!!
Post # 16
Sorry to hear this, it’s not easy to know that your Dad has done something like this. I know it wasn’t easy for me. My Dad ended up marrying the woman. So that has made things really hard for all of us. Of course they don’t see it because they are still in that Honeymoon love phase. My Dad first told us back when I was engaged my first go around. I was 4 months to my wedding day. So it was hard to handle. So I do understand the pain and confusion you have right now. My engagment ended because at that same time, I was diagnosed with pre-cancer cells and began treatments. My Fiance lived 4 hours away and was not supportive at all about either topic. Just be open with your Fiance about how you feel, I hope he gives you the shoulder to lean on.
I wish you and your family the best of luck.