Confused and sad

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I leave?
    Yes : (28 votes)
    85 %
    No : (5 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    We can’t tell you what is best for you.  You have to decide if marriage is important. Will you end up being alone the rest of your life if you leave? Highly unlikely.  Will you miss him? Likely.  Will you find someone as good or even better than he is? Highly likely.  Will you date a few toads before that? Highly likely.

    But don’t stay just because he’s great.  Lots of guys are great.  Are you willing to give up what marriage will be like for the rest of your life for someone who just doesn’t believe in it?  if he doesn’t believe in it then what is the big deal just giving it to you?

    Post # 3
    Member
    7 posts
    Newbee

    I’m really in no position to give advice, but just based on what you’ve written here, he’s being honest with you: he doesn’t want to marry you. Like PP said, it’s up to you to determine whether this is a dealbreaker, but I wouldn’t stick around hoping he’ll change his mind–especially since he’s already made it pretty clear. 

    Have you had a serious conversation about this? If he doesn’t know how important marriage is to you, you also have to be clear. If you two are on opposite sides about this matter, it might not go well. This is your life, though, so do you want to spend it with someone who doesn’t want this the way you do? Who may never want to reach that milestone with you? Will you be happy not getting married, or will you find someone who’ll be excited to take that step with you? If I were in your position, I wouldn’t be sticking around much longer, but it’s up to you.

    Post # 4
    Member
    640 posts
    Busy bee

    I think since you’ve been together 7 years and living together for 4, that he is pretty serious about not wanting to get married and won’t change his mind. So then you have to decide how important getting married is to you. If you can be okay forever without the marriage that’s great, plenty of people never get married but are committed for a lifetime. But maybe marriage IS very important to you. In that case i don’t think you’ll ever get that from him. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee

    He doesn’t want to marry you and you want to get married. It’s time to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do. 

    Obviously don’t jump right into a new relationship, but I think you already know the answer to this question. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    241 posts
    Helper bee

    cp52 :  you have to decide if marriage is a deal breaker. To be fair, you weren’t even sure YOU wanted marriage and you changed your mind. This has to be a conversation with him.  It’s possible you’re not on the same page anymore.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2430 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    I voted no, only because you don’t have to leave right now, right away. You are not sure if you want kids yet, so you could still be going through some firming up of what you really want. 

    The time to leave would be, when you are absolutely sure about wanting to get married yourself, and where you want your life to go. 

    An ultimatum is the answer. Not to HIM, to YOURSELF! Six months or a year, if you have decided for sure, you can give it less. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    2843 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Have you discussed the realities of not being married? By this I mean inheritance issues, not being each other’s next of kin, issues if you have children etc?

    I would start by finding out what paperwork you need to have in order to give you some of the protections of marriage and put these to him. If he is committed to you he will happily work out what you need and sign any documents. If he doesn’t, then he just doesn’t want to marry you.

    He might also see the amount of paper work and agree that just signing one piece of paper is easier….

    A lot of people are very happy together unmarried, but do make sure you protect yourself if that is the road you will go down.

    Post # 9
    Member
    891 posts
    Busy bee

    Decide whether marriage is a must for you.  If he continues refusing to get married, is that grounds for a breakup?  If so, tell him that.  Have an adult discussion, tell him you’re thinking very seriously about the future of your relationship, and let him know you’d like him to do the same.  Express to him that marriage is a must for you, and that you need him to consider whether his aversion to marriage is worth losing his relationship with you.  

    And then, you both need to do a very mature thing:  If you’re not on the same page, you need to let each other move on to a better relationship for you.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    1551 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    If marriage is a dealbreaker for you, yes you should leave. If you can accept never being married but want to be with him and stay as you are…stay. But he has made it clear he isn’t going to marry you, so don’t stay expecting him to propose. And don’t leave expecting him to change his mind and come after you and propose. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    878 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    if marriage is something u want, i would try and talk to him seriously about losing me if he wont marry. there was a bee on here saying how she didnt regret leaving her ex because she was growing resentment. do what u like.

    Post # 13
    Member
    10845 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    cp52 :  

    You’ve lost seven years, Bee.  And you’re no closer to marriage and children than you were when you started.  If you feel like you have another seven years to spare, stay with your bf.  If marriage and a family are important to you, move on.  It’s no more complicated than that, when you break it down.

    At least your bf is decent enough to be honest with you and not feeding you a bunch of bs to keep you around.  You do have a foolish third option—you can roll the dice, stay with him hoping that by magic or divine intervention he will wake up one morning, smack himself in the forehead and say, “Damn!  I really need to marry cp52!”.  Or he may grow into it over time.  Meanwhile, you would be stockpiling resentments.

    File that under Anything is Possible.  People win the lottery, too.  You would be betting the farm on a three legged horse.

    Your choice.

     

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