Confused and upset… Any thoughts?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
2708 posts
Sugar bee

This is a double whammy. He doesn’t want to marry you, and he’s also being a dishonest coward about it.

The string of excuses and gaslighting he’s subjected you to over the years is truly disgusting and insulting to your intelligence. I could go through each of them one by one but I don’t have the energy, because sadly guys like this are a dime a dozen on the waiting boards.

Let me just say this, his complaint that you’re “spoiling” the excitement of the proposal by having the audacity to ask him about your own shared future together is the ultimate of insults, and it makes no damn sense.

Think about it…if he was truly excited about marrying you, wouldn’t your excitement and eagerness add to his joy, not dampen it? Not to mention, who needs over a year to plan a proposal? Answer: no one who’s serious about actually proposing.

He is not excited about proposing. He does not want to marry you. He’s been stalling for years and rather than being honest with you about his qualms, he chooses to blame you for his inaction. Pathetic. You deserve a lot better than this.

Post # 3
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

He made a note on his phone to mark the date you had the nerve to discuss YOUR future with him?  I’d buy a huge damn wall calendar and mark the day you realized he was a gaslighting dick. 

Im sorry bee, but this relationship doesn’t sound healthy and I doubt you’re going to get what you want for your life from this man. 

Post # 4
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He’s a coward and has no desire to marry you. My husband had no issues with me bringing up our engagement. He’d tease me with the progress of my ring, and he never, ever got mad at me for bringing up our future. That’s how someone who wants to marry you should behave. I also knew when we were getting engaged, although I wasn’t positive about it, and it didn’t take away from the surprise. Why should a huge milestone like that be a surprise anyway? It would be like getting pregnant without his knowledge and then getting mad when he figures out you’re pregnant because you wanted to surprise him at the birth. He doesn’t want to get married, at least any time soon, and so he’s using you wanting to have conversations about your future as an excuse for getting out of it. Then he doesn’t have to admit that he’s at fault for the relationship ending, or he can keep you on the hook and string you along for who knows how long. And do not allow him to convince you to get pregnant before you get married. You should stick to your guns on that. 

Post # 5
746 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@CicelyMB:  Pack your bags and wave goodbye to this time waster.

Engagements are not meant to be a surprise. Engagements are discussed between and decided on by both parties usually with a definite timeline thrown in. You have an equal say in an engagement, it’s not up to someone else  to decide or control when you’ll be engaged.

He’s trotted out some of the most common BS excuses we frequently see on here like ‘I was gonna propose, you spoiled the surprise’

He’s gaslighting you saying you should be having kids now if you were really worried about your fertility.

My advice/thoughts/opinion? Don’t waste any more time on this guy. He’s not interested in getting married and it looks like he would be quite happy for you to just be his baby mama when he knows how important it is to you to be married before having children. 

If he wanted to marry you, he would propose. He wouldn’t be throwing hissy fits about it or getting mad because you’re asking for answers about your own future or whining about how underwhelming a proposal would be. 

There are a lot of good men out there who don’t behave like this and will be quite happy to progress to marriage. Leave this guy behind you and go find one of these.

Post # 6
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@CicelyMB:  I’m so sorry but i agree this relationship is not healthy and it’s over. He’s a huge jerk and you deserve better. It’s a huge red flag that he becomes so upset when you are simply trying to have a conversation about your future. Do not waste anymore time with this guy!

Post # 7
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I tend to fall in the camp of “different people can have different timelines for when they want to get engaged and married, and that’s ok”… especially when one partner has been previously married and/or you aren’t like late 30s/40s+.

BUT. It’s a total dick move for him to get legitimately mad about you bringing it up. Clearly he sees any discussion of the subject as unwanted pressure, and rather than dealing with it like adult, he’s throwing tantrums. Ugh. 

This is just one of many, many difficult decisions and processes you need to go through as a married couple. He is not proving that he has the emotional maturity or the necessary respect for you to handle those difficult times well. 

Post # 8
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State


He has all the markers of a guy who will run down your biological clock and then leave you for a more fertile woman. 

Post # 9
13755 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@CicelyMB:  I think the real issue is that you’re just starting to see his true character. Not coincidentally the time line to this story is an exact match for the end of the so called honeymoon stage. Your first clue was the mean and insensitive comparison to the timeline with his ex. I’m sure there were others. 

Don’t make the classic mistake of judging him on the “happy memories” or the good times when everything was going according to his wishes. In reality he’s not such a nice guy when it’s not on his own terms. He wants to control, dominate, and suppress you. No surprise he’s divorced.

Post # 10
138 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry, but I agree with pps. It doesnt sound like he wants to marry you. Are you helping with bills? He probably enjoys having a live in partner. Companionship, sex, help with bills, cleaning, cooking, someone to travel with, etc. He is comfortable with what you have now, but I don’t think he wants marriage or children with you.

Post # 11
573 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@CicelyMB:  I agree what with everyone else said (espeically putting the note in the phone, like that is extremely petty), but am going to play devil’s advocate. Note I think this guy is a jerk as everyone else said BUT can you say more about his divorce? How soon after did you two get together? Is it possible that he said about his ex trying to hint at the fact that he felt he got engaged way too soon last time and didn’t want to rush this time?

Post # 12
6945 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Him putting a note in his phone with the date about the comments you made is SUCH A DICK MOVE! I literally cannot believe he did that. And you didn’t dump him on the spot? He’s treating you like a child! Like a child who acted up in class and he making sure he remembers your poor behavior for next time. Absolutely disgusting. 

I will say, I’m not one of those women who think you should wait until marriage or engagement before moving in together. My husband and I moved in together 2 years before we got engaged ourselves. BUT it sounds like you moved in with him before even discussing your future together and knowing whether or not you were truly on the same page. Instead, he actually said something pretty cruel to you regarding not even thinking about your joint future and you just tried to ignore it for a few months instead of confronting him about his actual words. 

This is all to say that this guy sounds like a jerk. I don’t think he’s ever had a plan in place to propose. 

Post # 13
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Wow.  Any guy who is mad at YOU for caring about your shared future is an ass.  DH and I regularly talked about marriage before the proposal, and he never got mad at me or said I was going to ruin the surprise, even when I asked him about it literally the week he was planning to propose.  A man who wants to marry you takes action to make that happen.  It sounds like he told you everything you wanted to hear to get you to move in with him, and now he’s gaslighting you so you feel like you have to sit quietly and wait endlessly for a proposal that won’t happen.  His treatment alone would have me walking.  Don’t wait for him.  You’re young and will find someone wonderful who can’t wait to marry you and start a family with you.  This guy isn’t it. 

Post # 14
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

The things he’s said are truly shitty.

If you were to get engaged to this man, would it be a joyful occasion for you, knowing that he wasn’t excited to propose or at the prospect of marrying you?

I think he’s revealed plenty of his character, Bee. I don’t know how you ever recover from him essentially telling you your feelings aren’t important and indicating in every way possible that he doesn’t consider you good enough to marry.

Let him find another incubator, because it’s clear that’s all he wants. 

Post # 15
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This guy sounds like a jerk, and no, engagements are not “meant to be a surprise”. The decision to get married is the equal choice between two adults.

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