- 2 weeks ago
Together for 2 1/12 years now, I’m 27F, he’s 31M and has been married before.
We discussed marriage and children right from the start. He’s very eager (would have them now) for children and said the fact that he had been married before hadn’t put him off. I was very clear that I wanted marriage, and envisaged children by the time I was 30, but that I would not have children before marriage.
We moved in together a year ago, and at around that time he said out of nowhere “At this point in my relationship with her I’d already proposed but I haven’t even THOUGHT about a ring for you let alone how I’d do it…” at the time I didn’t really reply, honestly it completely crushed me and I didn’t know what to say. After a couple of months I just couldn’t forget about it, so I brought it up. He said he didn’t remember saying it and doesn’t know why he did but suggested it was perhaps to throw me off the scent as engagements are meant to be a surprise. He reassured me that he had actually been planning a proposal after all and so we left it at that.
I was sure then he was going to propose on our 2 year anniversary 6 months later and I couldn’t contain my disappointment when he didn’t so I asked him again if he was still serious about marriage, this time he got angry. He said he was annoyed by me asking now, that he’d planned to propose on our 3 year anniversary in 2021 and that I’ve completely ruined the excitement for him now. It really upset me how angry he was and how it was all my fault for being unreasonable, eventually he said I had nothing to worry about, it was all in had and we would be engaged “soon”.
Fast forward to the last month and a bit, we went on a ‘Once in a Lifetime’ holiday just before Christmas and I hoped it might happen. We had a great time but the elusive proposal didn’t happen and when a friend got engaged at Christmas ha made it really clear that it wasn’t happening on Christmas Day or NYE. I wasn’t too worried as we were attending an event at the end of December somewhere that was really special to us and I was sure this was the night… Of course, it was not, and I feel SO stupid about getting my hopes up.
The following day he could tell I was quiet, I said I was reluctant to tell him why I was upset as I knew he would get mad. He promised he wouldn’t, so I told him… he got mad…
He said he didn’t understand why I had to put a time limit on it (I have multiple health issues and need to try for children as soon as is reasonable) but he said if it was really true that I was worried about my fertility then getting married before children wouldn’t matter to me and I’d be trying now (I have very valid reasons for wanting to be married before children, admittedly for my own security and the security of any children I had). He then said he thought last year was too soon, that he thinks I just want to tick boxes and questioned the next thing that I’d need in order to feel secure. He said it’s now going to be so underwhelming when it does eventually happen because I’ve made it something he has to do rather than being something that he’s excited about, and that was that, end of. He also proceeded to make a note on his phone of the date and what I’d said?!
I’m so upset by some of the things he’s said but I just can’t try and discuss it with him again. I think, on the whole, we have a great relationship but I now have the creeping feeling that somethings changed for him and that he doesn’t want me anymore.
Can anyone offer their advice/thoughts/opinions please? Thank you if you got this far, sorry it was such a long one!