Confused and upset… Any thoughts?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
4532 posts
Honey bee

Why would you even want to marry this asshole any longer?

Post # 32
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

And he uses his anger as a weapon. I don’t like to think about where that might lead.

Post # 33
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

People don’t get angry when they talk about things they want to do. Imagine asking him if he wants to go on his dream vacation and being fearful to do it because every time you offer him his dream vacation he gets angry.  No one gets angry talking about something they want. 

Post # 34
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

“Can anyone offer their advice/thoughts/opinions please? “

Leave.  Leave now.  Do not waste another minute of your life with this abusive and unpleasant individual.

Post # 36
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2022

I only browsed through the rest of the comments but I think mine is going to be very different and unpopular. 

I was in a similar situation where we started looking at rings 7-8months so I thought it was going to be soon. When it didn’t happen I expressed my disappointment and he said he told me that 3year was a comfortable timeframe – but I swear I never heard it from him before. It didn’t stop me from hoping every single major event and getting let down afterwards. But we did get engaged just after our 3yr mark like he said. I felt exactly the same way as your ‘I’m so upset by some of the things he’s said but I just can’t try and discuss it with him again. I think, on the whole, we have a great relationship but I now have the creeping feeling that somethings changed for him and that he doesn’t want me anymore.’ I would hold hold hold it it until it just bursted out into a terrible discussion. 

Your beau also said ‘He said he was annoyed by me asking now, that he’d planned to propose on our 3 year anniversary in 2021’. I think you should take him at face value. Just because you had talks on your disappointment + him reassuring you doesn’t mean he was planning to move up the timeline. At the same time, he should be more understanding of your fustration. I’m sure there’s a lot of extra details only you know about but these are my 2cents. I hope you feel better about this bee!

 

Post # 37
Member
7196 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP – I just wanted to come back and tell you that even if you don’t feel ready to move out of this relationship for yourself, you should really do it for your future children. The PP who commented on the fact that all of these things this guy is doing to you, he will do to any children he has is absolutely correct.

I want to share a story with you as a warning.

I have a friend who was in a relationship of a few months’ duration, heading toward marriage and (she hoped) motherhood. She was in her mid 30s and feeling the time pressure of her personal goals and also biology. She saw some red flags that she dismissed in his behavior early on. Then, as she started to realize that her guy was manipulative and narcissistic (and she was planning to end the relationship, return the engagement ring he’d given her, and cut ties with him), she found out she was pregnant, and when his response to that development was positive, she decided to just move forward with everything anyway, figuring, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” 

Within a few months of their daughter’s birth, she was divorcing him and he abandoned all pretense about who he was. Suddenly, she was dealing with all of that ugliness that she had started to glimpse before she married him- back when she still had a chance to get away from him relatively unscathed. Her daughter is now around the same age as my son (9/10) and the harm that this man has done to her is irreparable. Her father has limited visitation, but he still gets some time with her (when he shows up) and because he is a harmful, toxic person, even when he’s good for a while, it’s not long before his true nature shows up again. My friend has watched this man lie to her child, be constantly unreliable, and frequently blame their child for HIS own failings and poor behavior (sometimes directly to her face) – a whole host of tragic and terrible events (big and small) that she feels as though she brought on because she didn’t just dump him when she realized how terribly she was feeling with him.

Her daughter longs for a positive relationship with an adult man and, despite having the support of a loving maternal family AND seeing a therapist, she tends to attach herself to adult men she encounters and likes, which means she is extremely vulnerable to predation. (She even tried to attach herself to my husband, who she only saw in passing once or twice a month, testing out occasionally calling him “Daddy” until my husband made it very clear to her that he is not her father and she needed to stop). Because of this relationship with this fakakta man my friend is raising a daughter who is vulnerable to ANYONE who offers her kindness (or the semblance of it). 

Do not do that to your kids. Do not do it to yourself. This person has shown you several true and toxic things about who he is. Please believe them.

Post # 39
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2022

View original reply
@CicelyMB:  I’m really glad you were both able to talk it out calmly and that you stated your intentions clearly. I know individual situations are impossible to explain fully through a short blurb and your situation sounded soooo similar to mine! My guy always puts me first and had stood by me through hard times but at same time not always the best at communicating and get fustrated we don’t see eye to eye. Everyone has flaws and only you know what does/doesn’t work for you. Your man sounds like he loves you, treats you well and just communicates differently/or poorly which I’m sure you guys will work out over your lives together. I hope you come back soon with a happy update for us!

Post # 40
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

“I was reluctant to tell him why I was upset as I knew he would get mad. He promised he wouldn’t, so I told him… he got mad…”

It’s your choice, but please think long and hard about whether you want a lifetime with a man who shows the above characteristic.  Anger during difficult conversations (and let’s face it, you weren’t even having a particularly difficult conversation) is not going to magically go away when you get engaged or married.

Is he taking definite steps to control his anger and improve his communication?  And if not, are you prepared to marry a man who will likely get angry anytime you have problems with your marriage?  With work?  With trying to conceive?  With your future children?  And who will get angry with those future children in the same way. 

In a lifetime of marriage, you are going to have many situations that are far more difficult and prone to producing anger than this one is.  We can’t decide for you if this relationship is wise to continue, but please do give some time to thinking seriously about this issue.  Being able to discuss important issues without fearing your partner will get angry should be a basic requirement of a good relationship, not an optional extra.

Post # 41
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
@emilyofnewmoon:  I started dating a guy when I was a senior in high school and all through college and this letter reminds me almost exactly of the way he would act on the subject. Ironically he had asked me about the idea of getting engaged six months into dating before I even graduated high school! 

He would keep bringing the topic of what it would be like once we were engaged ongoing for the next four years. He would do things like take me into a jewelry store have them pull out rings and I knew were no way ever going to be in the budget and claim “this is the kind of thing I’m going to get you in the time comes” but then make comments about we would need to wait to get engaged until such things were affordable. Which always found confusing because I couldn’t see them ever being affordable, or maybe in 15 years?

He would say things like that too if I dared ask about certain things he would claim that I had ruined it so it was my fault if things were going to get the later something. 

I know this may sound bizarre but are you certain he’s not still legally married? Just like in my case once upon a Time and have to say something is up. It’s been over 25 years but here and there from people I have heard that there were a lot of reasons as to why he would have been avoiding marriage because if nothing else he had legal issues that I didn’t know about that would have been brought to light if he wouldn’t file for a marriage license. 

I think you have to agree with other people I don’t think he wants to get married. And even if he did I don’t think the way he’s treating you on the topic and playing these games is the kind of thing I would want to sign up for for the rest of my life cuz I imagine you’re probably going to be getting these games thrown at you if you do marry him. 

I’m sorry but I think maybe the best thing to do is to consider moving on. cutting the line and moving on was one of the best decisions I ever made. I just walked away from it one day, I never called him again I stopped taking his calls took some time to myself and just had fun. A few years later I unexpectedly meant the man of my dreams I married him and preparing for celebration of 25 years of marriage. 

You deserve better it’s out there. 🙂

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