(Closed) Confused by male coworker behavior – what should I do?

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 1
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Hi bees,

I am very confused about what to do with a situation with a male coworker and would appreciate your opinion.

I am very close to someone at work – I would even call him my work spouse.  We came from the same background and get along very well.  We used to talk every day.  He sits in a different office but we talk over IM.  He is very funny and is a good listener.  

He is also extremely helpful with work. He’s taught and helped me out a lot.  Our two departments don’t always work together but we we do, it’s a great collaboration.

BUT once in a while, he would give me the cold shoulder and I could never understand why.  He’s done it 3-4 times now, but this time it has been the longest – he hasn’t talked to me in 2 weeks.  Before when this happened, there was one time when I kept trying to talk to him again and it worked.  Other times, he just started chatting again like nothing ever happened and I went with it because I didn’t want to cause any drama.  But now… it’s been a really long time.  I tried to ask if he’s ok and he said “just busy with work”.  I know he is very busy but I also know he usually just complains, would not go cold shoulder like this.  When we had to work together a couple of times, he was all business even when I tried to make a joke – it was pretty cold.

I keep wrecking my brains to see what I could have possibily done.  The most recent interaction we had was when he came to the office to visit – we met in person for the first time and went to dinner wtih two other guys.  He was very quiet but everyone had fun – I talked to the other two guys more because they were more talkative.  AFter that, he was kind of cold to me the next day.  Then he left the office without saying goodbye, but did send a text message saying it was nice to meet me in person.  I didn’t respond – I guess I should have but I was busy with something else.

Ever since, there has been 0 talk or contact except work. It’s killing me – we’ve been good friends for about a year and I am very close to him at work.  I don’t really talk to anyone else because I like to keep to myself at work to be more productive.  I’m really lonely and sad and have no idea what happened or what I can do.  Part of me want to confront him but I probably will just get the “I’m busy BS”.  I also don’t want to rock the boat too much because I want to be promoted to his department eventually and will work even more closely with him, so I have to keep things cordial.  His boss really likes me already.  I’m just waiting for one of his coworkers to retire in 2020 to step in…

What do you bees think? What can i do?

Also, I don’t know if this is relevant – we are both married.  I am in my early 30s and he is in his early 40s.

I miss him terribly and just want my friend back! But a part of me thinks that since he’s put me through this so many times, it’s best to forget about it, leave it alone, and just be cordial colleagues, so I’ll never have to go through it again. It hurts so badly when ppl go cold shoulder to you without an explanation though…

 

Post # 2
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Is he married? Maybe his spouse got wind of your friendship and asked him to chill. 

Post # 3
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee

Huh? He’s your good friend and your work spouse but you only just recently met him? I think you might be reading too much into this relationship. You chat online. Sometimes there’s a lull. I don’t see how he’s “putting you through” anything.

Post # 4
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

We chat and online and talk on the phone a lot before meeting in person.  Like everyday for about a year. I don’t think that counts as “recently meet”

Post # 5
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

At first I was going to say — is it possible that while you see yourself as “friends”, he could have stronger feelings?

But I just saw that he’s married. While it’s still possible, if he is married then it could be any number of things. His wife could not approve of your “friendship”, or he could have realized he might be developing feelings for you and pulled back… anything really.

Although just based on your explanation and your details about dinner, I do get the vibe that he might have had a little crush on you and felt a bit jealous that you were talking more with two other guys at dinner. Plus if you ignored his text after dinner that might have upset him even more.

So in this case I think it’s best to just leave it be. He will talk to you if and when he is ready. And if it is a crush on his part, you’re probably better off to “keep distance” anyways, since you’re both married and that could turn ugly. 

Post # 6
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think he has a crush on you & was upset that you talked to the other 2 guys more & then didn’t respond to his IM. Maybe he’s backing off because he knows that his feelings are inappropriate & is trying to get back to a more professional relationship. I’d just give him time for him to regulate himself into a new normal. 

Post # 7
Member
7447 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This does not seem like  a healthy dynamic to have with a married man, particularly when you are married yourself. Maybe he felt that the “friendship” was veering into a dangerous territory so he pulled back. Or maybe he’s just feeling too much neediness/intensity from you and needs some space. I’d follow his lead and leave well enough alone. Work is work – it’s nice to have work friends of course, but your entire happiness on the job shouldn’t depend on a friendship with one individual. If it does, you’ve got bigger issues going on.

Post # 8
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

To the casual observer it sounds a lot like you both have a crush on each other. He is most likely miffed you spent all evening talking to other people and then failed to reply to his text. It is not hard to see how that might seem like a brush off. 

If you were my other half I would not be at all happy about this ‘friendship’. Not at all. 

Given you are both married I would rather suggest you might be better off letting this go….

Post # 9
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
camellia116 :  Maybe he realized the two of you were getting too close to possibly approaching an inappropriate relationship or emotional affair, considering both of you are married.  Or, maybe a superior got wind of something between the two of you and mentioned it to him to knock it off.  

It’s best to stick with professional behavior while at work.

Post # 10
Member
5477 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Personally I hate the term “work spouse” and it is possible your friend or his wife feels the same way and finds it slightly offensive. 

Post # 11
Member
10491 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This doesn’t seem like a normal office friendship, for either of you. 

I think you both need to focus on work more.

Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Some of the comments here seemed pretty harsh… I definitely appreciate your opinions, but I think it is quite extreme to think that someone can’t be close friend with someone else at work.  For the record, my husband knows about this guy at work and has no problem with it, because I tell him stories all the times.  He also talks about his wife a lot and showed some pictures I sent to her… At least from my perspective, this is just a friendship.  There are many people on here who would freak out if their spouse even talk to someone of the opposite sex. I think it’s a bit extreme…  Marriage doesn’t mean you can’t talk to the opposite sex or be friends wtih them anymore.  I haven’t done anything wrong to my husband or even remotely entertained any idea.  I just have a friend at work – I don’t understand why that’s such a taboo.

That said, you do seem to think there is more going on on his end.  I’ll leave it alone and try to make friends with other people as well.  Just sad to lose a friend, and honestly frustrated by society’s imposition that men and women can be friends (I am friends with both men and women, they both make great friends!).  And honestly worried that for some reason he will sabotage my promotion to his department later, but I don’t think he’s that kind of person (at least I hope not).

Post # 13
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

Dearest Bee, I can relate to being judged over having friends of the opposite sex. I never really had good friendships with women (drama always happens there), so over the years I began to find myself more comfortable being friends with guys (less drama and more fun-focused). However, from time to time, these sort of things happen when one of your guy friends sees you more than just a friend. I think, perhaps, your friend developed feelings for you and decided to put some distance in between, before he acted upon it. I think that’s pretty honorable considering both of you are married. 

 I was friends with a guy (co-worker, too) for almost 10 years before he stopped talking to me.We messaged each other daily, hang-out regularly, etc. However, there was a period of time when I had just ended a relationship and he had also just gotten broken up with. During that time, I went to his bday party at his apartment and noticed his entire family (parents, cousins, etc.) were very insistant on introducing themselves to me. Turns out, he thought it’d be “funny” to tell his family I was his new girlfriend. Naturally, I was very upset. I was in my late 20’s and he was in his 30’s, so I didn’t find it amusing in any way. After “confronting” him about, he stopped talking to me. We still work in the same place and I somehow NEVER see him anymore. I think he realized he had gotten “caught” and was too embarrassed to continue the friendship. 

Best of luck, Bee!

Post # 14
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Whilst I agree with you that men and women who are in relationships/married can be friends, I think your level of friendship IS more than everyone I know would tolerate. If my DH reaaaaaally missed his “work spouse” and was agonising over it enough to post on a forum rather than asking ME for advice… yeah, I wouldn’t be cool with that. 

Post # 15
Member
3085 posts
Sugar bee

Is your name Jen by chance?

You both have crushes, that’s clear to see. Stop this “friendship” before things get worse.

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