(Closed) Confused by male coworker behavior – what should I do?

posted 11 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

My husband has like 20 close female friends. They chat, they go to events, they have dinner. I also have many male friends and do the same. I assure you, opposite sex friendships are not a hang up we hold. 

I still think this is too much hand wringing over a WORK FRIEND to be considered appropriate. He’s not even a bestie, but just like some guy you chat with at work on IM. I just think it’s too much investment. 

ETA: prior to the first meet up you guys had recently, had he ever seen what you looked like before?

Post # 32
Member
5126 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

It seems suspect that you’ve had this friendship for a year and then as soon as he meets you in person he starts distancing himself. Maybe you are different in person than he was expecting? Maybe he’s had a crush and meeting in person made him realize that it’s more than just an innocent IM flirtation? It could be anything really. I’ve had friends go through periods like this, it’s usually just something going on in their lives that they need to work out. It would be best to stop worrying about it. 

Post # 33
Member
710 posts
Busy bee

The fact that you are this upset about this is very telling about the fact that you are probably harboring more deep feelings for him than maybe you are willing to admit to yourself. Since you’re married, I think you need to back of yourself. My guess is that’s what he is doing since he is a married man. You are starting to walk the line bee! 

Post # 34
Member
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

camellia116 :  Well, you asked for advice online so you’re bound to receive varying responses.  

From the outside looking in, us working women are trying to point out to you that your behavior sounds needlessly unprofessional and overly emotional/clingy/needy with regard to your colleague.

Even if it were a same sex work friendship you were going on about my advice would be exactly the same – stay professional at work.

Post # 35
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

Is it possible that you two are not as close as you thought?
I mean maybe when he says he is busy with work, he is just busy with work?

Post # 36
Member
8774 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 camellia116 :  Nobody here will be able to say why this hot & cold friend has gone cold. Could be any number of things:

  • He was hot for you then discovered you’re not his type after all
  • He was not hot for you and discovered you’re not his friend type either
  • He was hot for you and got jealous that you didn’t talk to him that much
  • He was not hot for you and thought it was rude that you didn’t talk to him much
  • He was hot for you and when his wife realized it she said he needs to dial it back
  • He was not hot for you and when you didn’t respond to his “nice to meet you” note he decided to dial it back

Whatever answer you want it to be, just tell yourself it’s that and let it go. It does sound like you have a bit of a crush on him. Maybe you’re this way with all your friends, but you mention in a previous post that your best friend is a guy. That’s common enough but coupled with this post could be a hint that you don’t feel valued unless you’re getting male attention, and that’s why you’re so anxious about this guy withdrawing. What if you try striking up some friendships with women at work? They can also be funny and good listeners.

Post # 37
Member
9123 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

if you are that close to him, call him out on his “i’m busy” excuse. and point blank ask him what happened.

 

Post # 38
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Have you heard of limerence? I don’t want to delve into the whole concept of limerence but that’s what it sounds like to me. Specifically where even the slightest hint of rejection is is devastating to the one experiencing the limerence.

Post # 39
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

It’s not the friendship that’s raising flags. It’s the description of how upset you became and still seem to be about this entire situation. A work friend should not be occupying so much time/space in your mind. It just seems like a really disproportionate response to a work colleague “being cold”.

 

I trust my fiance implicitly. He’s friends with plenty of women and I’ve had a problem with exactly zero of them. However, if they occupied this much time/space in our lives I would not be ok with it. Best to stay away. Work is for work time, not play time. Sorry bee. 

Post # 40
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

This instant messaging thing reminds me of when I was a kid on AIM. Because of that and how hurt you are, rather than being miffed and confused, means you both have been emotionally cheating for a really long time. Best to just move on. And that you think any of these responses are “harsh” is also rather precious. This isn’t even harsh for WeddingBee.

Post # 41
Member
6399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Your coworker wants to scale back on the friendship and keep it professional.  Just follow his lead.

Post # 42
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think he has feelings for you and goes through cycles of trying to distance himself but then connecting again against his better judgement. I would just take everything at face value and try not to let it affect you 

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