Confused by mixed messages

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Did you ever ask him out or pursue him in any way, or just wait on him?

Post # 3
Member
11102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonfornow :  

He’s a flake.  Who knows why.  You’ll never know.  Every second of energy you’re wasting trying to figure this guy out is time you could be doing something constructive.  Stop hoping for more crumbs from this guy.  Go find someone who will cherish you.

Post # 5
Member
4658 posts
Honey bee

I wouldn’t even waste time trying ascribe some reasoning to it.  Maybe he is playing the field.  Maybe he liked you but not enough.  Maybe he found someone he likes better in the meantime.  The end result is the same.

The fact of the matter is…Someone who wants to spend time with you doesn’t make it a secret and they make time to connect with you.  Anyone who is doing less than that isn’t sending a mixed message – they are sending a “no” message.  He isn’t emphatically saying yes to you and you have virtually zero time invested him.  Shrug your shoulders and move on to someone who wants to spend time with you instead of wasting another minute on someone who clearly isn’t spending his minutes on you.

Post # 6
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

Are you guys young? He sounds flaky like I was when I was in my mid-twenties, lol. It was never anything personal, in fact I dated some really amazing guys, but I still ended up ghosting them all because I was completely wrapped up in expanding my career and social life, and I just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Post # 7
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee

There’s really nothing “mixed” about this. You’re right – a guy who really likes you and want to be with you will pursue you. And that isn’t happening here. So….

Post # 8
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

anonfornow :  Some people can be really friendly and flirty and not genuinely be interested in you.  I have to watch how I act sometimes because I’ve been told that I can come across as flirty even though that’s not my intention.  Maybe he’s just a friendly guy even if he is socially akward (I realize that sounds strange, but maybe he’s so awkward that he comes across too strong, if that makes sense).

The fact he unfollowed you is all you need to know.  Don’t waste any more time on him.

Post # 9
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

If you already have to make excuses for him, he’s just not that into you. Anyone remember that book? Man it sure helped me fix my thinking on dudes. I always made excuses for them. Thing is, if he wants to be with you, he’ll try to make it happen. If he doesn’t, then that’s that. 

Post # 10
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee

I’m a big believer in participating in the relationship equally. I don’t think you should have to chase them by any means, but I also don’t think you should make them chase you. The guys that chased me the hardest – and didn’t seem to care whether I was actually interested or not in the beginning – were also the ones that treated me like a trophy they’d won and owned, rather than an equal partner in the relationship. I also think that playing hard to get just encourages men to ignore what women actually WANT, and think only about what they want and how they can get it. 

Unfortunately this guy also seems like he’s kind of playing games. Not answering for a week, unmatching on tinder.. those things are pretty childish. it seems kind of exhausting and you aren’t even in a relationship yet. 

Post # 11
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, that’s fine if it’s your approach, but I think it’s equally possible he thinks you aren’t that interested. I agree with everyone saying that if someone wants you they’ll make it obvious, but I don’t agree that he’s the only one who should be doing that. I think it’s game-playing to think he should have to put it all out there while you get to reserve the right to be coy.

 

Post # 13
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

You’ve been benched. It happens a lot in dating and the more you date the earlier you can spot it. Dude isn’t interested in you enough to actively persue you but you doesn’t want to flat out tell you no. If he benches you, then it is possible you might still be available one day when he is bored. 

Post # 14
Member
4658 posts
Honey bee

I have never met a person who claimed to “complicated” who wasn’t a self-aggrandizing narcissist.

Are the vast arrays of human emotion complex and not always rationally explained?  You betcha.  But that is true for every single human.  So for someone to self-proclaim that they are just so very extra specially complicated above and beyond the normal human condition?  That’s usually some over-inflated sense of self- importance right there.  In my experience, when someone says they are complicated what they actually mean is they want permission to be an asshole and never have to actually explain themselves because they were “upfront” with you from the beginning about just how “complicated” they are that you couldn’t even begin to comprehend them and their “complexity” somehow excuses them from basic human decency.

 

Post # 15
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee

anonfornow :  Sorry if my message came off as judgemental, I have that exact problem – that I often come across as aloof and disinterested – so I learned that whole lesson the hard way.

I don’t necessarily think this situation is that though. I might have asked him out more directly when I got back from the trip, but him not responding for a week etc. is going a bit far. Even if he’s only doing it because he thinks you’re not interested, it still comes across as game playing to me. Also, him saying that he’s ‘complicated’ on the first date is never a good sign. Sounds like someone who wants an excuse to be wishy washy and then go back and say “well I warned you I’m complicated!”

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