Post # 17
wow that is a lot to deal with. You and your FH are the priorties here. I couldnt imaging my family being there and not being happy for me. You are a grown woman! And kudos to you for standing up to your sister.
My moms family HATED my dad, HATED him! He was Catholic (not to mention poor) and my mom was Jewish, who use to date plenty well to do other Jewish men. They told my mom he was a nazi and was going to kill her. My mom said screw them all, she loved him and was going to marry him. And she did. Had a small ceremony in the judges chambers (my Great Grandfather was a judge) and she told her family when and where it will be, no invitations, no hoopla. My Grandmother walked in at the last minute. Then mom and dad took everyone out to a nice dinner, they spent their honeymoon in NYC (we live w/in viewing distance of the city so it was right next door!)
Happily married 34 years.
Moral of the story, do what YOU want, what makes the most sense for you and your FH. I wouldn’t want to waste my hard earned cash to give the nay-sayers a good meal. Start your life together off right – no one needs unneccesary negativity!
Post # 18
The hive is pretty much on point, do what YOU feel comfortable doing. Even if your mom’s opinion has been hurtful you should also take into consideration the other people that will come to the wedding.
Would you be okay with excluding your other family and friends b/c of your situation with you mom and sister? Think of all the other people who ARE genuinely excited about your wedding and weigh the pros and cons of having a big wedding versus small wedding.
I also agree with what someone said earlier about confronting your mom about what she said to you and how it makes you feel. Don’t hold back on letting her now how her words have made you feel more isolated from the family. In my own family I’ve seen my aunts do the same thing to my cousins. In the end it really only hurt them because later on when my cousins started families, my aunts were sad to see that they weren’t a big role in their grandchildren’s lives. It also stung to see my cousins ignoring my aunts are family functions when it was so obvious that my aunts were trying hard to connect again. Just painful to watch in general. Clearly you care so much about your mom that you’d never want to have that kind of family dynamic.
Best of luck!
Post # 19
Yeah I say just have a city hall, or Destination Wedding wedding and forgo paying all that money for people who don’t even really support it to go at your cost. Invite your bigges supporters to your small intimate wedding and be happy and a whole lot less in debt.
Post # 20
If I were in your boat, i’d pick a fabulous city hall (San Francisco! New York City!) and do it up in an amazing and beautiful way. If my family was not supporting me, there’s no way i’d be going through the planning process and spending this money. Make sure you do what you need to do to ensure that your wedding day is HAPPY!
Post # 21
Thanks everyone. I’m trying SUPER hard to figure out what I want. I almost think it’s one of those things that I won’t know until I go through it.
If money was not an issue, I’d do the big wedding and just bask in our love & the support of those who are willing to give it – and try to ignore the issues of those that won’t. My mom is telling me she’s happy that I’m happy – Fiance is just not who she’d choose for me. And, from how she handled my siblings spouses – she’s come leaps and bounds.
My mom does give my sister’s opinion a LOT of credit. I think if my sister was more supportive, she would be too. But, I can’t change their opinion.
And – @kwago – I have listened to what they have to say. They are not making outlandish points (in terms of his education, socio-economic, ethnic background). He’s not someone they pictured me to end up with. Quite frankly – he’s nothing I pictured I’d end up with – but, he’s perfect for me. I don’t need a clone of myself – I think we compliment each other really well.
My sister and I have a super strained relationship – and I think that’s why she is currently lashing out. Prior to this, while she initially gave me the “are you sure he’s the one” talk when we first got engaged – she had been wanting to help and seemed to be onboard (even though, that came with it’s own drama).
All that said – money IS an issue, since it’s a huge undertaking for Fiance and I. I guess we can rethink the reception and try to downscale it … although, I already thought I WAS downscaling!!!!! 😉 All this family drama makes me wonder why I’m even bothering. I know the friends and family who are supportive will be supportive no matter what…. ack!
Guess I need to start a pros/cons list to keeping things as is – or making changes…. maybe that will help me figure out what’s best for Fiance and me.
Post # 22
Hold up though, let’s be fair to your groom and his family. Is it possible that they want a wedding too? I do not think you ought to elope but instead scale down the reception a bit and think of a really intimate way to have a wedding.
Post # 23
I have noticed weddings seem to bring out the worst in families. It might be in different ways (my family have been selfish and critical of my planning) but there seems to always be that one person who just can’t manage to be happy/supportive for you and your FH.
We have been thinking of backing out of everything and eloping because of family drama (again, I have a critical family (I know there will be mocking on my appearance) and it stresses me out) and the only reason we aren’t is because everyone supports us getting married. If that support was weak or gone, there wouldn’t be a question in my mind; WE WOULD ELOPE!
I would think you want the most supportive and the most loving people at your wedding. If your family doesn’t fit that bill, then ditch them.
If they are this negative now, think how they will be on the wedding day? Your pictures will be filled with fake family, phony smiles and fales happines.
Post # 24
Why cancel the most important day of your life because of other people’s rudeness and selfishness! My sister decided not to be in my wedding and not even to come now for no reason at all but I will not let it get to me anymore. I love my Fi and thats all that matters. Moms will never accept whom we choose especially when we are the youngest, nobody knows the love we have behind closed doors. If you really want to have a wedding, then have it and be happy about it. If you think you will regret cancelling it then you probably will. My brother and sister has put me through a complete nightmare through my whole planning process but I have learned to pick myself up and acknowledge the 80 people that are genuinely happy for us that will be at our wedding. Do what feels right for you and your Fiance.
In the movie ‘Titanic’ and ‘The Notebook’, the woman was richer and the man was poorer but the love was stronger than anybody can have in their lifetime. Its not about education or money when it comes to unconditional love, a marriage will never last if it is based on money or education. I know plenty of men that have a higher education than the woman and the woman is miserable, trust me
Post # 25
I have had a lot of family drama during the wedding planning process. A LOT. And while the drama has not been focused around my choice in a FH, it has been enough to significantly strain my relationships with my family- and I have been the peacekeeper in my family for years.
So my want of the whole wedding experience began to dwindle and I started to think about the meaning of marriage. I sat down with my Fiance and asked him to marry me in a small ceremony- with just 2 friends as our witnesses. After several discussions, he agreed, and we were married in February in a short yet sweet ceremony that less than 10 people know about. A couple of days after our ceremony, I realized having a wedding was no longer important to me. I have 10 pictures from the day, a grocery store cake, and a $30 dress from Target and I couldn’t be happier. I can’t say it would be the same for you, but I can tell you it was amazing to make a commitment to someone without family drama but with the love and support of our friends, who in all honestly, are our family.
You have to do what you think will make you happy, which isn’t always an easy answer to find. I was ok with losing our deposits but my husband/fiance wants to have the party to get our families together. So I compromised and am planning a big dinner party where we’ll all be dressed up and everyone will think they are attending a wedding…but I just got way more frugal than I would have been before!
Post # 26
Thank you all very much for your feedback, support and taking the time to comment.
I’m still in the process of processing all of this – but, what’s becoming very clear to me is I still want a wedding celebration. Even though my mom and sister will cast a somewhat negative haze on the day (if sister even comes), I’ll be surrounded by friends and family that are supportive of our relationship. That’s what I want to cherish. And, I think I would regret ‘caving’ and going a different route, just because I’m getting disapproval.
I plan to shift my focus a bit, and focus in on the people who are positive – instead of the family that is negative. It will continue to be challenging, I’m sure – but, I refuse to allow the negativity cloud my enjoyment of the day!
I am, however, rethinking having my mother walk me down the aisle. Unfortunately, I already told her about it – but, it doesn’t sit well for her to do so, if she’s half hearted about the whole affair. I’m not sure how I’m going to break it to her (assuming I make that decision)… we’ll see how it all shakes out.
Just wanted to update you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your feedback. Yet again, the hive saves the day!!
Post # 27
good on you, if it was me i would have pulled out and gone to a destination wedding with just the witnesses and sent invitations to a receptions when you got back with photographs of the two of you saying “WE GOT MARRIED COME CELEBRATE OUR LOVE”.
that way it is more of a party and more loving and less of a stress attack with ppl not liking your choice, i mean your already married what are they going to do?xo
Post # 28
Is it possible to half cancel? As in keep some things you’ve already put a down payment on while keeping it very tiny and private?
I’d realized early on that not all weddings are for the couple. In our case, we realized we wanted to just have it by ourselves, exactly the way we wanted it. Perhaps you can look into that route too. A wedding is a moment of memories and celebration – celebrations don’t have include everyone if you don’t want to, or if it’ll take away from the joy of the moment.
Post # 29
FOLLOW YOUR HEART.
My mom and I had a HUGE riff over the fact that I chose a destination wedding and some of her sister’s children couldn’t afford to attend. It was a major headache and almost made me throw in the towel and do a “traditional” church wedding here. But that’s not what I wanted. And I would’ve always resented her a little bit if I had changed my wedding and let her guilt me into what SHE wanted.
As I’ve gotten further into the planning process, I’ve discovered (in my family at least), that once people see how happy you are with your decisions, they will often try to be more supportive (or in my mom’s case, stay quiet and let me have my fun). Once the actual wedding day arrives, I think everyone will be happy and have a wonderful time. I feel like planning tends to be stressful and bring out the worst in everyone, but once people see you in your dress at the end of the aisle, with that big beaming smile…well, sometimes it changes things. And for just that one day, things are beautiful. 🙂