(Closed) Confused, English girl… why aren’t showers considered rude?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
38 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have been to a lot of showers, both wedding and baby, and have to say I can’t stand them (though I don’t think the events are rude in themselves — it’s tradition).  I may have been to a couple that were fun social opportunities, but for the most part, it’s been lame games, and sitting there watching someone open gifts — what could be more boring?  I have friends who refuse to attend baby showers on principle — bad luck to get all that stuff before a baby is born.  But the culture seems to be going the other way, where all these things are expectations, and people announce their baby’s name, gender, and post ultrasound pictures on Facebook…

At least I know I’m not the only one not having a shower!

Post # 33
5165 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not having a shower, but I do know people in england who have had showers for both wedding and baby, so its not just an american thing. Either way I dont like the idea of showers either. Although I think its much more acceptable for babies than for weddings

Post # 34
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Showers are thrown FOR the bride. A wedding is thrown BY the bride. that’s the difference.

You can’t ask for gifts at a party you throw for yourself.

But someone else (a sister or maid of honor usually) can say “Why don’t we all help them get started?” and it’s not as rude.

Post # 35
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with so many of the PPs.  I have been to at least a few dozen showers, both baby and bridal and see absolutely nothing rude about them.  Everyone has their own opinion, but I love playing the games!  I also really love being able to see close girlfriends and relatives that I don’t see often.  Let’s face it, on the wedding day itself, you will have VERY little time to spend with those outside of the wedding party.  I see my shower as a day where I can celebrate the wedding with these ladies in a more intimate way.  Also, there are at least a few ladies coming, who for one reason or the other can’t attend the wedding (though they were invited) and they are excited to still be able to share in the wedding festivities.

It would be rude of the bride to ask anyone for gifts, but the shower is never thrown by the bride.  It’s typically thrown by the mom, aunts or bridesmaids.  

In all complete honesty, I have never once known someone to think of showers as rude because they involve giving gifts.  I’ve always felt more than honored to attend a shower and excited to be able to give the bride/mom-to-be something she needs.  I would be someone to think it odd for there not to be a shower.  I’d wonder whether the bride’s friends don’t want to put something together for her, or whether the pregnancy isn’t being celebrated for some reason.,,,,but that is the culture I grew up in.

Post # 36
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I look at it as a means to celebrate with close girlfriends and the more time we have together the better! My Maid/Matron of Honor is hosting a shower for me while my other bridesmaid jumped to purchase the invites through a local stationary shoppe she supports. I furnished a guest list and was asked by my bridesmaid to provide a registry reference for the invite. I felt a little weird about the registry reference but it turns out most friends were already asking what I needed and where they could get it, so for them it was a help. I really don’t care if someone doesn’t get me a gift because their presence is enough of a gift for me, but for those that do get a gift of course I am grateful. We are having a tea part theme and I’ve encouraged guests to show up in floral, flowing dresses, fancy hats and such. 🙂 Moreover, my bridal shower is nice way to include everyone on a pretty summer day and celebrate my upcoming marriage with gals I love.

Post # 38
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Wow, I’ve never heard of showers being considered rude. So, this thread was news to me.

I am an Encore bride and am still being thrown a shower which I am sure will make someones etiquette head explode somewhere…however, I didn’t ask for one, nor am I having anything to do with it.

My moh and mother got together when I was out of town a couple weeks ago and started discussing details. All that was asked of me was my preference of the day and a list of my friends that maybe they don’t know and my FI’s family so everyone could be included. I was told the theme but didn’t choose it nor would I have wanted to.

I know nothing else about it and most likely will not be registering as we live together now and don’t really “need” anything.

 So, to me, it’s a wonderful gesture by amazing ppl in my life that want to do that for me and it will be for fun and social time to discuss the wedding. Not for gifts.

Post # 39
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’ve always viewed showers as an opportunity for the women in a bride’s life to share their tricks and tools of the trade, both literally and figuratively. They can give insight into what makes a happy marriage, celebrate the bride’s happiness, and send her off into marriage with a few things they think she might find either useful or sentimental. I think of them as a celebration of where she’s going with the people who represent where she’s coming from.

Post # 40
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think most rules and etiquette are contradictory and outdated… I guess here it isn’t “rude” because it is the societal norm.

Post # 41
26 posts

I don’t see throwing bridal showers as being any more rude than throwing a birthday party. It’s more or less the same: some women will throw a birthday party because they want a ton of gifts, while others could care less about the gifts and just want another chance to share the excitement of reaching a big milestone with their friends.

Post # 42
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@nottoocool4school: Throwing a birthday party for yourself is like throwing a shower for yourself — not really done. The twelve-and-under crowd get away with it because they are still learning the concept of hospitality (and a wise mother emphasises the attention of a host to her guests, and the need for gracious thanks regardless of the present, while downplaying the actual presents themselves). But, grown-ups are supposed to know better and find outlet for their hospitable urges by throwing birthday parties for other people.

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