Post # 1
So I am a long time lurker bee wondering if anybody else is in the same dilema as me:
My fiancee has decided that after a year and a half of being engaged to me, he does not want to set a wedding date. He feels that he was pressured into the engagement, and although he loves me we still have to work on our “issues”.
I am a month away from turning 28, have been with him for 3 long years, and had my heart set on our wedding being in April 2014, I had discussed this with him and he had initially agreed. Although, I haven’t put any deposits down, I had verbally told several friends and family that we were aiming for April 2014.
Well bees, our “issues” are basically me being obsessed with us setting a wedding date! I feel like us constantly “postponing” our wedding and not have a concrete date is a form of rejection and reflects the reality that he just, doesn’t want to marry me. (Last August, he completely called off our engagement, it took two months for us to reconcile)
I love this guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but honestly, I am heartbroken. I know that I did exert pressure on him, but we’ve made several improvements to our relationship in this past year. BOTH of us were wrong, yet we worked through it,
What would you do if you were in this senario?
Post # 3
I would never want to be pressured into marriage. If this is a huge issue for him, you need to stop with the pressure. Your biggest red flag is that he admits he was forced into an engagement. Is that the kind of marriage you want?
Post # 4
Have a serious talk with him and put your foot down. If he doesn’t want to get married- then you might have to move on. You’ll be causing yourself more pain if you keep dragging on a relationship that won’t lead to what you both want.
Post # 5
Initially, yes I pressured him that was in April 2012. Since our engagement party last year, I stayed calm and didn’t exert any pressure for us to set a wedding date or anything to that sort. I understood that he was waiting for a stable job and wanted to find an apartment. Those were the terms that we had set, after he got a job and an apartment, I sat down with him again asking what the deal was? And next thing I know hes telling that he just want know when he wants to get married.
Am I wrong to even ask him when we’re getting married? How is that considered pressure?
If I dont bring up the “wedding date” question he’s perfectly fine, we go about our relationship as if theres nothing wrong.
Post # 6
He keeps telling me that he loves me, and he wants to marry me–he just doesn’t know WHEN.
Post # 7
@furbilicious85: By your own admission, “Well bees, our “issues” are basically me being obsessed with us setting a wedding date!”
“Obsessing” is not “asking.”
If he still feels bitter about being forced into an engagement, I could see how he could be digging his feet in the ground and not wanting to proceed further. You have much bigger issues than getting married right now. Your significant other is feeling forced into marriage. That needs to be addressed. If this is the man you want to marry, you need to figure this out and you need to figure out what he needs. If he needs time, then you have your answer. If he needs to end the engagement, there is also your answer.
If you need to be married by April, then you need to have a very serious discussion with him. He does not sound like he wants to be married yet. I don’t doubt he loves you, and I don’t doubt that he wants to marry you, but it sounds like you are wanting this much, much more than he does and he wants to take it slower, where you are pressuring him to speed up.
Either he needs to speed up, or you need to calm down. Maybe both of you need to do some inner self searching and see if you can come up with a compromise that makes both of you happy. But either way, anyone who is feeling pressured, about something important like marriage, needs to be addressed ASAP. Pressure can turn into resentment. Resentment will turn bitter. Bitter turns into divorce.
Post # 8
He’s not ready to be engaged yet, plain and simple. If you still really, really want to marry this man, I would go back to boyfriend/girlfriend (a horrible thought, I know ) and wait for him to propose again when/if he is ready. That being said, I couldn’t do that personally and would likely end the relationship. If he’s truly not ready to seriously talk about marriage after three years and a proposal, then I would be concerned. If he is just waiting for a stable job and an apartment before he’s ready to be married, then he probably should have waited to propose until he was more secure in that regard. You guys need to have a serious conversation to figure out why he’s stalling.
Post # 9
it sounds like he may not be ready to commit to marriage let alone an engagement. maybe he does feel a bit of pressure. the last thing you want is to get married and have your husband resent you for it.
Post # 10
@furbilicious85: IMO when someone asks then they are ready. If I was the weight I wanted to be and had the money saved I needed then we would of been married in a few months. The only reason for a long engagement is to complete things before not just open ended. I’m sorry you are heartbroken but maybe you need to say “engaged or not?” To him and get a real answer no pressure. Be prepared to live with that answer and could you be happy not really having a date or a timeline? unless you both agree to long engagement I think it’s kinda mean he makes you feel bad about wanting a date. Either he wants to or he doesn’t.
Post # 11
When a man’s not ready, he’s not ready. I know many will crack under the pressure and nagging and being forced….and many won’t.
I’m still waiting for my proposal and tried the guilt-tripping, crying and pressure and he said I was pushing him away…so if a guy’s not ready you have to back off. BUT you also have to make sure you’re not waiting around and being strung along.
If you know that he does want to marry you, when he’s ready, then I would tell him that you will be patient and let him get his footing.
In the scheme of things, you two have been together for 3 years, but what a bit longer it it makes you BOTH happy? 🙂
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
@furbilicious85: 2 red flags. He admits to feeling pressured into marriage and he called off your engagement for 2 months. I think if I were in your shoes I would give his ring back and ask him to propose to me when he is ready. If you wait longer than you hoped for him to ask you on his own terms, then walk away, this guy doesn’t want to marry you.
Post # 13
Unfortunately, it does not sound like he is ready for marriage yet.
It sounds like he would like for your relationship to continue as things are, without changing anything.
I’m sure that he loves you very much and cares for you deeply, but I feel that after 3 years, a man should know whether he wants to marry you or not.
I think you will need to have a heart-to-heart with him about when, or even IF, he is going to be ready for marriage in the future. If the conversation doesn’t go the way you want it to, you may need to decide if you are willing to give up marriage altogether or if you need to move on.
The last thing you want is to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you.
Post # 14
The second a man says he doesn’t want to set a date, I think it’s time to walk.
There’s no guarantee that he ever will want to set a date. I’d rather start looking for someone who DOES want to marry me!
Post # 15
@furbilicious85: You just aren’t on the same page hun 🙁
Either lay off and allow him to grow while understanding that he may never be ready
or you need to leave and continue looking for mister right
Post # 16
@furbilicious85: I don’t think either of you are ready for marriage at this point. He likely needs to work through his anger at feeling pressured into something he wasn’t ready for. He likely is holding onto resentment for feeling forced into this to meet your timeline.
You need to do some soul searching and find out why you are so (in your words) obsessed with getting married. Is it because all of your friends are married? Is it because you have always dreamed of a wedding? Is it because you want to have children and want the wedding first?
From your tone it sounds like you are more committed to having a wedding rather than having a marriage. This isn’t about your timeline or some artificial deadline that you have to have something done by, this is about y’all’s timeline that was created together. And if you have been together three years, but engaged one and a half years… well, at least half of your relationship has been you pressuring him for marriage. That would likely make anyone resentful because he would be wondering if you are interested in him for himself or just to be a prop at a wedding. You both sound very concerned with what you want, but not what the other wants.
You both have a lot of work to do and I would suggest starting remarital counseling now and worry about setting a date later.