(Closed) Confused – Need advice. (long, but please help)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, you asked for advice: I don’t think you can fix this. And it’s not for lack of trying. And it’s not a straight money issue either. He is a bitter, complaining, pessimist who is going to continue to drag you down. He’s also demonstrating financial irresponsibility while you seem very together.

There is nothing stopping him from finishing school and getting a better job. Except himself. He is not good enough for you. At least right now. Maybe he can grow up, who knows? But you need to be with someone who is at least as successful as you are. And also someone who is not negative and passive aggressive.

This is a tough situation, I know. But you really need to put yourself first in any relationship. You are not responsible for his unhappiness and failure.

Post # 4
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry to say, but a man with this kind of mindset can’t be changed. It belittles him that you make more than him. And pushing someone back into school *never* works out, unless the person had a desire to go back to school to begin with.

I don’t have a solution for you, but I can say that I know people in this situation, and most of the time they just have to let the guy do what he wants to do. If he doesn’t want to be in school, he shouldn’t be. 

Post # 5
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think you personally are able to fix this. It is clearly self esteem issues and those are hard if not difficult for someone to fix, especialy since he seems to be jealous of you.

Do you ever say or do anything to make him feel worse about him being in school and not making as much as you are? Because if not, he seems to be way too worried about it. I don’t think that it matters who makes more money in a relationship at all. My mom makes a lot more than my dad but then again she has a degree and he does not. My mom is also very driven and my dad is sort of a goof ball and has worked at his job since he was out of high school. It has never bothered my parents at all. They have been together for 29 years and they never mention anything about it. I don’t even remember them arguing over who made more and what not ever.

So if it doesn’t bother you and very obvioussly bothers him, there m ay be more going on to it than that. Society has us thinking that the mamn should always make more and I think that is silly. You really need to try and sit down and talk with him. That may be difficult to do, but I really wouldn’t mention him needing medication. In all honesty that might have set me of too. Medication does not cure immaturity.

You really need to think if you can live with this for the rest of your life. Him being negative and mean to you for something that you worked very hard to get. Hopefully you two can have a much needed conversation and work this out and he can learn to get rid of the pessimistic attitude and finish college.

Good luck to you!

 

Post # 6
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with PP.  Only he can help himself, but instead of helping himself and bettering himself and maanging his finances better, to (for lack of better words) “get up to your level”, he seems to just resent you for your accomplishments and drag you down.  He is lucky to have someone like you that is so motivated that would have been a great partner and lead to stand by him as he catches up… instead, he’s wallowing in a self pity party and dragging you there to join him.  Sometimes love just is not enough.  You should not be the single force keeping relationship going and working at it… he needs to put something into it too.  Can you put up with this forever?  Or are you looking for more in your life partner?

Post # 7
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@bitemytounge:I think women should be careful about dating someone who lacks financial stability. Often men combine their ability to provide financially with their manhood and are often jealous of their mates success. I think its best to marry someone on your level. It makes for a more cohesive home. Money is not everything but it is something that causes a lot of stress and fights if the couple does not see eye to eye.

Post # 9
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Part of spending your lives together is getting through really rough times. Good for you for wanting to try everything you can to make it work. Men’s egos are so difficult to handle that I think regardless of what you say or do and how nice and sincere you are, it will turn out to be a fight. But hopefully you can drill into his head how all of his is really affecting you negatively and you both can work it out!

How long has he been in school and how long does he have left? He may be just super stressed with money issues, insecurities and school work. Maybe helping him to manage his time and priorities will help.

Post # 11
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I just wanna say that you sound SO sound minded and mature and it really seems like you have the right mindset about all this. Im glad you recognize that it is his issue. I USED to say i would nevr marry a man who made less than me, but right now my FH is unemployed and was unemployed when we got engaged. i could care less. My ex had major issues with money and I felt I demasculinated him by forcing him to give me all his money for me to manage, yes i paid off his 23 K debt in 3 months AND saved hella money for us too but when my FH was laid off and was spending $500 a week on eating out, i said nothing. Eventually of course he didnt need to do that to make himself feel better and we went through the whole keeping up with the Joneses weddings too. You sound like a wonderful and supportive gf btw! I do wanna say I understand why people say you gotta marry your level financially, i was that same person not too long ago. sounds like all you can give it is time, since it is such a touchy subject with him right now. No pity parties for him though!

Post # 13
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You sound like a great woman, I have nothing else to say other than to wish you great future.

The topic ‘Confused – Need advice. (long, but please help)’ is closed to new replies.

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