- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
I’ve been staring at the computer for 10 minutes trying to find the right words for a title for my confusion. Fact is, I’m that confused.
Now, I don’t want to just rant on and on about my relationship problems, but who else can I turn to? Where else can I go where nobody knows me and I won’t see an obvious look of disapproval? I’m really having a hard time dealing with things here and there is only one of my friends whom I can tell anything too, but she is wrapped up in her own secret love scandal and anytime I try to bring up my relationship she brings it back to her situation.
So, here goes. I don’t know if I want to marry or even be with my fiancé anymore. I feel like our relationship never really had time to ‘bloom’ and that we have been putting on a show for so long now. Basically, as long as we have been together.
Background info: We met through friends a little over two years ago. We had an instant friendship and liked one others company. We were both interested in someone else so there was really no connection to each other. However, after a few weeks we did sleep together. No sparks. We slept together a couple times after that and I still felt nothing. It was like he was emotionless. Really awkward.
Fast forward a couple months and with our friends telling us what a great couple we’d make we finally started dating and living together. We were great friends. Sex got better, not fantastic, but not a snoozer either. We were happy, so I thought.
Fast forward a few more months, like eight months… This is when sh!t hit the fan, so to speak. While on holiday I found out that he was still talking to the woman he had sort of dated before we got together. He was sharing personal information with her that he was not comfortable sharing with me, like that he had a child. I know, trust me, this is a HUGE deal. Not only was he hiding his child from me, but he was speaking around to call and see his child. Obviously, at our age it is not out of the ordinary for someone to have a child, but I still find it quite hurtful that he would think so little of me that I wouldn’t be supportive or that I would break up with him. Needless to say, I still have trust issues because of this. I mean, if he can lie (omission of information is lying) about something so monumental, then he can lie about just about anything.
That brings me to our lack of communication. No matter if the issue is big or small, he gets defensive. If I make a suggestion, he always has a better plan. I can’t take not being able to have an opinion. If I bring up a topic, like our lack of communication he feels it is an attack. Even if I say I want us to be able to talk about anything and everything and any issues we have so that we can fix them and move on, he still won’t. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about things that keep happening and things I want us to both work on so we have a healthier relationship, but all he can say is “it’s fine” or “ok” or “yeah, we should,” but nothing ever gets resolved so it keeps happening. I feel like I let things go and let them go until I just can’t take it anymore and I have to unleash. I usually don’t just blow up. I’ll bring it up and he will talk over me or give me push back. Example (and I know this is stupid, but after two years it gets really annoying to have to keep saying it): washing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I know!, I’ve turned into a nag about this, but really is it that hard? I have done the dishes since we met and all I ask is that he rinses them out so that food doesn’t get stuck on. He doesn’t need to load the dishwasher, run it, or put them away. Just rinse. He has done the dishes twice in two years and one time he put everything in dirty so I had to scrape stuff off and them rerun it. The second time he said he was ‘helping me’, which I thought was sweet until I opened it and saw that it was barely half full, with a full sink of dishes, and food was stuck on. So really, stuff like this I would rather do on my own. Actually, all cleaning I would rather do on my own.
Sorry, I got side tracked. That was just an issue that came up today. Ugh.
In the beginning I was very loving and attentive. He was showered with hugs and kisses. I would cook and clean and give him daily massages. I took interest in things he was passionate about. We really connected over things like music and traveling. Of course, this changed a bit when I found out about all his lies. I felt myself holding back. Like how could I give so much to be taken for such a fool? How could I possibly love unconditionally when the person I loved didn’t respect me. I took this as he didn’t really love me… enough.
Our biggest issue (besides the lying) is that he isn’t romantic. There is absolutely no passion in our relationship. I have to ask him to cuddle. I have to ask him to kiss me or to hug me. He is so focused on himself and his career that he doesn’t find time to work on us. He know we have issues and that I’m unhappy. He isn’t happy, either. The difference is, I’m willing to put in effort to get back on track and make this as good as we pretend to be. He doesn’t want to deal with it. I think it just requires too much effort on his part and he just wants me to deal with it. I can’t though. I know what a great relationship is. I know what love it. I know what team work is and always having each others back. I know nothing comes easy and that a relationship needs love, respect, trust, honesty, laughter (happiness), and support. I just don’t know how to brings those things to our relationship when I’m the only one who is willing to make us a priority.
Too Much Information, but I miss having great sex. I miss having a passionate relationship (like I did in my previous relationship – so I know it exists). I miss being about to connect to my partner and know we are in this together.
I realize that I have said “I” quite a bit in this post, but it is because I feel it is all me. Feeling like your SO wants no part in fixing your relationship, even though he knows we have significant issues to sort out, is really, REALLY hurtful. I feel like I’m in this alone and that is the opposite of everything a relationship should be. But, what do I do?
We really do have fun together. He can be very funny and I love his creativity and determination. We can talk about lots of things, but never about our relationship or things turn sour. I just wish he would put even a little of his passion and determination into our relationship.
Also, we love each other. Are we together for love or convenience? This is the question that keeps coming up.
Am I crazy for wanting a ‘can’t get enough of each other’ kind of relationship? Am I crazy for wanting a relationship that I am completely confident with and that I know is right? Am I crazy for getting engaged and planning a wedding when we have all these issues? I’m pretty sure the answer to that last question is YES, btw.
Dear Bees, thank you for reading all of the above. It’s sometimes just helpful to get it all out of my head. I’m all ears to anything you have to say. I’m sure there will be mixed responses 😉