(Closed) Confused- Please DO NOT Judge

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ultimately what you do with your pregnancy is your choice.

I think you are doing the right thing by ending it with your abusive partner. He has shown that he will not change and staying with him puts you in further danger. If he hit you one day after finding out you are pregnant, there is the possiblity that he will beat you badly enough that you miscarry.

Some things to consider are: 1 Do you want this baby? 2. Can you raise this child alone? 3. Do you want this abusive man to be the father of your child? 4. If you have the child how will parental rights be distributed? 5. Will having this child put you in further danger of abuse? 6. Are you afraid that your partner would abuse the child?

For me questions 1 and 5 are the most important right now. I think if I were you, I would take some time to think about the answers and then sit down and write out a pros and cons list for each option. Hopefully this helps you make your decision. The Bees will always be here to support you.

Post # 19
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Blessed68:  If you have been praying about this baby, then God has given you this baby for a reason (not that “accidents” or “surprises” aren’t God-given). I’ve been in a physically and verbally abusive relationship and the best thing I ever did in my life was walk away from him even though at the time, I didn’t want to. I know it’s much easier said than done. I will definitely say a prayer for you and your little blessing!

Post # 20
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Blessed68:  #1 Leave him. #2 Having a baby with this man will keep him in your life and abusers usually get more abusive as time goes on.

Also, bear in mind that child protective services can take your child away from YOU if he hits you in front of the child or the child gets hit while trying to protect you.  Getting out of an abusive relaitonship is not just about you once you are pregnant.  You need to protect your child and realize that if you raise your cnhild around that man, your child may learn to be abusive or that it’s okay to be with an abusive partner.  Ask yourself, would you want your daughter to marry an abusive husband?

Call a DV hotline and ask for help in getting out of your relaitonship safely.

Post # 21
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation. The only thing I’m going to tell you to do is get away from that cretin who hit you and treated you like dirt, for the sake your own safety and sanity. After that, everything else is up to you. No judgement here. Just like others have said, though, don’t make any decisions in the heat of the moment. You need to do what *you* feel is best, and you need time to decide what that is. In the end, you’ll do what you feel is right and what you can live with. Good on you for being strong and level-headed enough to see that your ex has not changed and probably won’t–you’ve just saved yourself a lot of grief. Now take some time to take care of *you*. I wish you all the best.

Post # 22
938 posts
Busy bee

Understand that if you have this child, this man will forever be a part of your life. 

I hope you can escape this relationship safely and wish you the best of luck and wise judgment in whatever you decide

Post # 23
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. This is absolutely and completely NOT YOUR FAULT. But I think it is clear that he is not going to change and this is a dangerous relationship. So here is my advice:

  1. Get out – if you live together gather any essentials and get out. Stay with friends or family. Don’t feel like you need to tell him anything. Just leave. If you can get your stuff out while he’s not there, great, but you’re most important so just pick up your purse and leave.
  2. File a police report.
  3. See a counselorto both get through the abuse and discuss what you want to do about the baby.
  4. Lean on your family and friends.
  5. Do not have any further contact with this guy. You can write him a letter saying that you’re leaving and asking that he not try to contact you. If you have to meet, do it in a public place with someone you trust with you.

If it’s any conselation, I’d probably terminate the pregnancy. I wouldn’t want to deal with being tied to someone that was abusive. I’d fear for my child. And I wouldn’t want to raise a child alone. But that’s me. 

Post # 24
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No judgement- you do not deserve, nor did you ask for it. Please, whatever you do, do not blame yourself.

First- call the police and report what happened. If there are bruises, take pictures. Whether you decide to have the child or not, you need to get this man OUT of your life. For good. There are legal routes you can go for this.

If you choose to have this baby, there IS support out there. It sounds like you have a supportive family, which is wonderful. There are also programs out there for domestic violence survivors. If you PM me the city you live, I can see if I can find out the nearest program for you (I volunteer at a DV Shelter here in Chicago).

You said that you prayed for this child- so I assume you are religious. Pray about it, He will guide you in the right direction.

Post # 25
8700 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Blessed68:  I thought I was pregnant shortly after leaving an abusive relationship.

I would have gotten an abortion. As it is, I nearly went back to him when I thought I was pregnant (despite not being sure if I wanted to keep the baby).

First, find a safe place and get FAR away from him. Then decide if you want to keep/abort/adopt.

Post # 26
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Blessed68:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  If I were in the same situation, I’d probably terminate the pregnancy.  I wouldn’t want to have to be tied to him for the rest of my life.  Be strong.  Good luck.

Post # 27
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m sorry, I know how sad/disappointing/scary it is to have an unsafe partner. Staying with someone that punches you is only going to hurt the child. He may end up beating the child too.
Leaving is the only option that benefits the child, and yourself.

Post # 28
6533 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Take some time to yourself to think about what to do about the pregnancy, but definitely leave the guy ASAP. I would lean towards an abortion so you aren’t forever tied to this guy. 

Post # 29
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Trying to figure out why you purposefully concieved a baby with this man when you had already put your engagement on hold, and he had verbally abused you.

But now that it has has happened….

Go to the police and file a report! It sounds like you will have familial support on your side while raising the baby, so that is a plus.

Post # 30
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

Please get away from that man. I promise you, you will not regret it.

I don’t know if part of your confusion is whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy… personally I have no opinion there, either could be the right choice for you, you need to decide, and what you decide will be the right thing for you.

But please, please, get away from this man.

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