(Closed) Confused should I feel this way?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

I definitely see where you’re coming from, but you gotta just let them make their mistakes. And who knows – maybe it won’t be a mistake and they’ll have a long, happy marriage.

Post # 4
Member
13290 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t want to be rude, but complaining that their wedding is four months after yours and judging them for their age doesn’t really make you sound that mature to me.  I get that you’re upset, but I’m not entirely sure why.  They didn’t pick the same day, month, or even season as your wedding.  It’s their perogative if they want to get married.  They aren’t costing you, or your Future In-Laws, anything over this wedding since his famiy has graciously offered to help. 

Be happy for your Future Sister-In-Law and don’t let their wedding plans affect you.  They will have to deal with any issues that come up from their age, but they’re adults and can make their own decisions.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@cherrypietx:  Lol I see 23 as young to get married, but anyway. 18? Seriously? I totally agree with you.

I don’t think the parents should enable them, but whatever. I guess they’ll all find out it isn’t roses soon enough.

I could just be cynical, though… maybe this will last forever.

Post # 6
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I understand where you’re coming from — not with the wedding, but with that weird feeling.  Even though your FSIL’s wedding is four months after yours, it still kinda sucks that she will be sharing your glory.  I have a friend who copies my ideas all the time and always beats me to it (latest example – I told her what kind of car I was saving up for and what did she do?  Goes out and buys that exact same car before I was able to get it.  There goes that idea!) and it bugs me — as immature and petty as that is, it does.  So I do understand that weird feeling you’re having.  It’s not necessarily jealousy, but you expected 2013 to be YOUR year for YOUR wedding and now someone else close to you is sharing the glory and it can be a bummer.

The only advice I have is to vent, let it all out, and then go on with your life.  You can’t dwell on this and no matter how young she and her Fiance are, I doubt you’ll be able to talk sense into them.  Just smile, wish them the best, and then focus on making your wedding a special, wonderful day because that’s all that matters 🙂

Post # 8
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@iheartmarshall:  Errrr, your friend bought the same car you wanted, so now you can’t buy that car?

That doesn’t make any sense at all unless the only reason you wanted that particular car is to be the only one of your circle that had that specific car. What do you care if she has the same car you do? Do you like the car? surely there was some reason you wanted it other than being the special standout in your group, right? Isn’t that reason still true, even if someone else also bought the same thing?

This actually DOES apply to the OP. 

They’re also getting married.

It’s not on your day, month, or even in the same quarter of the year.

So, it doesn’t affect you.

You are free to hold any opinion you want of whether or not they’re ready to get married, but there IS a catch there: they’re both adults.

They might not BE ready to get married. Or they might surprise you. But as adults, they don’t actually need your permission or approval, or anyone else’s, including their respective parents’.

Either way, if you make a point of telling them you think they’re not ready, you will only make yourself look bad to them. Why create drama when there’s no need to? It will work out for them, or it won’t. Either way, if you care about either of them at all, you ought to be supporting them in the ways you can, and then either way, they will always see you as a supportive friend.

The car thing… That just makes me shake my head.

Post # 9
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MR_rosworms:  WOW, seriously?  I said it because I was trying to relate to OP.  The actual car is not the issue — it was a story explaining that I understood the way she was feeling with having someone “take her glory,” even when it does seem silly (in OP’s case, it’s having her Future Sister-In-Law getting married shortly after her).  Could I have bought that same car my friend did?  Sure, there’s nothing that said I couldn’t.  But the issue wasn’t a piece of metal to get you from Point A to Point B.  It was about having someone take away from what YOU wanted, what YOU thought was special, even though the entire situation is a bit immature.  

If you don’t like what someone posts, then ignore it.  It wasn’t intended for you.  Obviously the OP understood what I was trying to say and that I didn’t want her to think that she was alone feeling how she felt.  Like I originally said: So I do understand that weird feeling you’re having.  It’s not necessarily jealousy, but you expected 2013 to be YOUR year for YOUR wedding and now someone else close to you is sharing the glory and it can be a bummer.

Post # 10
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@iheartmarshall:  I guess the point I’m trying to make is that the perception of someone else “taking away” from something that’s special to you, seems inherently silly to me. Is it not still special to you? I’d think you’d be flattered by the fact that they like your idea so much they’re trying to copy you.

…Now, if they race to beat you to it, and then go around telling your friends that YOU copied THEM, then they’re acting like a world-class *word I can’t say here* and the simple solution to this is: stop sharing your plans with them. That way they can’t copy you until after.

But why – knowing they will copy your plans as inevitably as the tides – would you share those plans with them in the first place? Unlike the OP, your post seems like you’re saying that this individual has been doing this for a long time; if you’re really upset that they do this, why are you enabling them?

And this doesn’t, in any way, change my point about the OP’s situation.

Post # 11
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Four months difference? That’s a whole different SEASON. It’s almost HALF A YEAR.

Do you really have such low self-esteem that you need a whole season to yourself just to feel special? 

I, one of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend all got engaged within the same week of each other. I was quite excited by how that turned out. The ex-bf got married within the year of the engagement and my friend and I got married later, but with around the same time length as you and your Future Sister-In-Law.

She got married in June and I got married in October. It felt… wooorlds away from each other.

And your wedding is first! You get all the time that builds up to it before your actual wedding. Why should people still pay attention to you AFTER? It’s done. Nobody else really cares… for a year they will continue to ask “How’s married life?” to be polite… but YOU are the only one who will actually care that long about your recent nuptuals.

Post # 12
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

@cherrypietx:  whoa whoa whoa

I have to point out that typing in all caps on the internet is seen as yelling. 

“Man I’m so annoyed”

is seen like that. That you’re annoyed.

“MAN I’M SO ANNOYED”

is seen as “RAWR I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU ALL I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE” 

Post # 13
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MR_rosworms:  Just to clarify, I didn’t purposely tell her my plans thinking of her track record; I was genuinely excited that after years of having a POS car, I was proud to be able to (nearly) afford something I really wanted and when she asked what it was, I told her.  At the time, she had zero plans to purchase a new vehicle so I figured there was no harm done.  Of course, I was wrong when one month later she called to brag about her shiny new toy.  Yes, the entire situation was silly and irrelevant in the long run; yet, it still bothered me which is the point I was making in my original post. 

The OP stated that she needed some advice, since she was unsure if she was being a brat or stupid about situation.  She also said that whatever feeling she was having was weird and she didn’t know what to do about it.  All I did was give an example of how I understood that weird feeling she was having and yes, it is a stupid thing to have!  Six months or a year from now, none of that is going to matter so why do we worry about it?  No, our situations weren’t exactly the same but it doesn’t matter.  I just didn’t want her to think she was alone in having that feeling, because she’s not.  

This thread began to help someone who was feeling confused about a situation.  I think we have definitely given our advice and I do agree that in this situation, OP needs to just let it go and move on and be happy for her Future Sister-In-Law. 

Post # 14
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

While I think 18 is young I also think 23 is young. Neither of those ages would have been right for me to get married… but that’s me, not you or your Fiance sister. Beyond that I also know a few people who were married at 18 and are still married. I know a few people who were married and 23 and are still married. I also know people who were married at 18 and 23 and are no longer married. It’s not your place to say they are idiots or even to say I told you so if it falls apart. Just try to be supportive about it. Imagine if everyone attacked you for your choice to marry your Fiance – you’re too young, it’s only going to end in divorce, what’s the matter with you!  It’s not fun when all you really want is for it to be a happy time.

I also am guessing you don’t fully understand what you’re feeling. So you’re attacking their decision a little bit by picking out the big fault you can see.

It could be more along the lines of everyone is now going to be planning your Fiance younger sister’s wedding – probably a little before yours and definitely right after yours. Chances are there will be comparisons. It just adds a little extra drama when you already have stress.

You can look at it as hey I just went through this I can offer some help and guidance if your Fiance sister wants it. She probably will, but only from a supportive sister in law. I wouldn’t want help from the sister in law who said you’re too young for this, you shouldn’t do this, and I’m so much more mature. So you have someone to bounce around ideas with… now you’re not alone – you have someone going through it with you! That’s probably going to be fun!

Post # 15
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I give them one year before they’re divorced. 6 months if mom and dad move in with them!

Post # 16
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

23 can also be seen as young. I’m 23 and while I’m in a healthy, loving long-term relationship, both of us having good jobs and a solid life plan, I definitely think Im too young for marriage. You are 23 and you do not. Therefore, you need to understand that it may be the same with your FS&FBIL. I’m not ready at 23 but you are. You were not ready at 18 but they are. See what I mean? You need to look at it from a differnet perspective. They’re adults and while I doubt the long-term viability of their marriage, it is their decision to make.

Also, their wedding, be it 4 months prior to or subsequent to your wedding should be irrelevant. 4 months is a long time. I can understand a 4-day difference causing issues but really, you get one day or one weekend as the case may be. Enjoy it to the max and then move on. After all, everyone else will.

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