Post # 1
Hi Lovelies! I’m having some “issues” with changing my last name. I am a rather young bride-to-be and have been with my Fiance since highschool. We’re going on 6 years now and recently engaged. We’ve talked about last names in the past and I’ve always told him that I want to keep mine. He doesn’t mind if I change mine or not. He will not change his to mine.
I have a very unique last name(only 150 with my last name in the US) and I love it, i feel as though it is a part of who I am. I am very very close with my family and would hate to lose that sense of connection.
On the other hand, his last name is very very very common, like Smith, Johnson, Williams or Brown(it’s one of the four lol). I dont mind being called Mrs. hislastname but I don’t want to legally change it. He doesn’t have a very close family and his family is very very small compared to mine. They are also very judge-y about everything I do and like to talk smack about anyone not “in the family”.
My concerns are that if I don’t take his name, his family will just use that to their advantage and have something to say about me. However I would hate to lose my identity and that part of my family heritage. I know it would make him happy if I changed it but I just wouldn’t be happy at all.
Anyone else feeling this way? And did you/ are you keeping your last name or changing it to his!?
This topic was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by .
Post # 2
Drop your middle name and use your maiden name as your middle.
Post # 3
I’m still undecided too. I’ve always been certain that I would keep my last name, but since we’ve been engaged, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind.
My Fiance has a very unusual last name and its also already hyphenated, so I can’t even hyphenate our names! I really like my name as it is, but also quite like the idea of sharing the same last name. He has offered to take my last name when we get married, but I know that his family wouldn’t want that – because its such an unusual name, and he’s the only male in this generation to “carry on the family name”.
At the moment, I’m leaning towards what you said – keeping my name legally, at least at first, but wouldn’t mind if people referred to me as Mrs Hisname
Post # 4
I went maiden middle name a la Hillary Rodham Clinton or Kim Kardashian West. It’s best of both worlds.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2015 - The Vineyard and Winery at Lost Creek, VA
I’m with the Last commenter!! I understand not wanting to drop your last name but you can make it your middle name and I think you’ll learn that your last name changing won’t mean who you are changes
Post # 6
Well, as far as your concerns that his family will “use it to their advantage and have something to say about me,” they will probably always have something to say about you whether you change your last name or not, so I wouldn’t worry about that part of it.
Also, yes, I do feel the way you do about losing that part of myself as my last name is very unique as well and I feel a cultural & personal connection to it. In fact, last time I checked I am the only person in the US who has my first & last name together.
I am choosing to hyphenate putting my last name before the hyphen. This way, my first and last name still remain together and I am adding him in and combining his name to mine. To me, this reflects the way that we have decided to combine our lives together; we were separate for a long time and now in marriage we will join into a partnership. That doesn’t mean that either of us loses ourself so in my opinion, my last name shouldn’t be lost either.
Do what feels right to you and try not to worry so much about what others will say. Good luck!
Post # 7
Keep your name. You can “unofficially” go by his last name. My legal name is my ex’s, but I go by my maiden name everywhere but my driver’s license and debit card.
Post # 8
you can’t base your decisions on what others may think of you. You have to decide what’s best for you.
I personally am not changing my name. I have my reasons and could care less who likes it.
Post # 9
Based on your post, the only reason you’re considering changing it is to avoid giving his family ammunition. If you had some personal reasons for wanting to change and some for wanting to keep your name, my answer would be different, but as it is – keep your name, stand up for yourself, and do what’s right for YOU. If those people are going to use something like this to gossip, they’d find SOMETHING no matter what you did. Might as well show them now that you are your own person and can’t be bullied.
Another options that a friend of mine did was to take her husband’s last name as her middle name and keep her own last name. She liked that it signalled a family connection, but allowed her to keep the first/last combo she’s always had. I know that’s not the most common thing, but it worked well for her.
Post # 10
Keep it! You can always change it later if you change your mind. And you shouldn’t let judgey future in laws dictate how you feel. My husband changed his last name to mine. I was in a similar boat. Unique last name (less than your 150 in the US), but also unique first name that went terribly with his last. I love my last name and have always wanted to keep it. Like I said, you can always change it later. Better not to change it BACK.
Post # 11
I keep my name. If you and your husband is ok with keeping your last name, that is all that matters.
Post # 12
I don’t base my identity or my self worth in a name so I changed mine. While I am close to my family, I am also a firm believer in your family is who you make them to be regardless of blood. With that said, do what you want. Talk with your Fiance and decide what you think is best for you. Don’t let his family dictate your reasoning.
Mine was extremely rare – less than 25 people – it was also hypenated and fourteen letters long. My new last name is hispanic and many people assume I’m as well until the blonde lady shows up. I like keeping a little mystery in my world.
I’ve known plenty of people who hypenated (my mother did this and another friend – they agree it’s one of the worst things to do). I could go on about all the trouble it caused me growing up. One of reasons I couldn’t get rid of it fast enough was because of the hypen!
Other people I’ve known haven’t changed their last name till they had children, others moved their last name to a middle name and some never took their DH’s last name.
Post # 13
Based on how attached you are to your maiden name, I would keep it (and, like you said, go by Mrs. Hislastname) in social settings as you see fit.
I understand the suggestions of moving your maiden name to your middle name, but my mother and a few of my close friends that have done this have found that in practice, people just call you Firstname Hislastname. So they’ve found that they still sort of “lost” their maiden name because while it shows up in formal paperwork and such, that middle name is hardly used.
Post # 14
It sounds like you really want to keep your maiden name. I don’t think soothing the in-laws is a good reason to change your name.
I did what a lot of the PP mentioned, moved my maiden name to middle and took DH’s last name. I wanted us to be a clear unit but still wanted to be recognized by my maiden name for professional and historical reasons. Even if people don’t always say the middle name, it will still be present in the entirety of my name.
Post # 15
Keep your name. If you don’t mind being Mrs. Brown socially, that’s a good option. Practice not caring what his family thinks if they are really that judgey.