confused with proposal, or am I overthinking it?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
curiouskitten :  I do not think your overeacting, and this is suposed to be a special moment, and you felt like you didn’t get that. I would try to talk to him and express that you want something a little more romantic and that your guys relationship deserves that.

Post # 3
Member
370 posts
Helper bee

I think I understand where you’re coming from–it sounds like it’s not so much how he proposed but his lack of thorough follow-through afterward. I have a feeling the situation would be totally different if he had drunkenly proposed to you and then taken you to a jewler and said “I have been saving for this because I planned to buy you a ring, I just couldn’t wait any longer to plan something to ask you. Let’s pick out the ring–here’s the budget I’ve saved for and let’s have an engagement party while we wait for it to be made”. That shows that the intention was there all along, but the fact that he’s kind of spinning his wheels trying to catch up to this huge thing he suddenly did makes it feel like he hadn’t taken any purposeful steps toward proposing to you before the drunken moment. 

I don’t know how you feel about this, but if you want a different moment maybe you can suggest going on a special date once the ring is ready? That way he can “present” it to you, and you can wear it in public for the first time and have all the special engaged feelings. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I understand feeling like the moment was taken away but hopefully you can get a new one to add to your story and make you feel better.

Post # 4
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Well…I don’t think it sounds like he didn’t want to be engaged to you. It sounds like he meant it. He might do a more official proposal after he gets you a ring. Some guys might not want to tell friends/family in this situation, without a ring, if they are worried about being questioned/judged. I know it’s not right and he should be excited and telling the world, but that’s just my thought. 

I think maybe you need to have a more serious conversation with him about it. Ask him these questions. Why do you need to have a ring in order to announce that we’re engaged? Can we do something nice to celebrate our engagement once this coronavirus stuff is calmer? Maybe you could pick out a few rings that are available for purchase online if you aren’t stuck on him designing something. Just talk to him! And, congrats!! 

Post # 5
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

I mean.. it seems like he did everything right and necessary to assure you he means business. Yes it WAS a totally spontaneous drunk proposal. Even so, it was obviously very sincere and he made a great effort to prove that by getting you something to wear in the meantime. He also took into consideration YOUR thoughts and how you would feel by asking if you would like input on the ring, keeping you in the loop, and giving you a reasonable timeline of it being made. 

His relationship with his ex wife is irrelevant to you. It just is. And if you must think of it as some people just can’t let it go then you need to reframe it. Right now you’re framing it as “oh it was so thoughtful and planned so he must have cared and he obviously doesn’t care or think about me”. No. You need to reframe it, “he was so overcome and sure of our life together that he couldn’t wait to ask, he was also so thoughtful and considerate to understand that I’d want input on something that he wants me to wear forever.” You’re stealing your own joy with this one. 

When the ring is done go on a romantic picnic to celebrate, and then when you tell everyone and they inevitably ask to see the ring, you both can share it proudly.

Post # 7
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

He is saving for a ring, asked what kind you would like, sounds like everything is coming along well! He was drunk and couldn’t wait any longer to ask, loves you and I would focus on the positives. Never compare what you have to what he had with the ex as nothing good will ever come from it. Congrats!

Post # 8
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Ask him to do a proper proposal when the ring is ready. FH first “unofficially” proposed while we were driving down a highway in the middle of nowhere. I thought he was being facetious at first, but he called that his proposal. We then designed the ring together, and I told him that although it would be cheesy and redundant and more of a formality, I’d like him to give me the ring in a manner that was meaningful. He did, and now we have two proposal stories. 

Don’t compare your experience to that of his ex wife. She is an ex after all… Obviously that fancy proposal didn’t do much for their relationship.

I get why you’re upset that he didn’t tell his friends you’re engaged. He got you a stand in ring after a drunk, unprepared proposal and this makes you wonder where you stand. Don’t speculate, don’t ask us, ask HIM.

Do you want to announce your engagement, show off your stand in ring as a preview, and start calling him your fiance? Talk to him and make it official. Don’t let a pandemic put your happiness on hold.

Post # 9
Member
7989 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I find it sweet and romantic that he couldn’t wait to propose. But perhaps the bigger question is what if you decide it WAS a shitty proposal? It’s over, done. He proposed, and it cannot actually be done over again. So he took you to choose a ring, demonstrating his sincerity, and perhaps he can give you the ring in a more romantic way. Perhaps then you will feel able to tell your friends with a story you feel is worth telling. You can always lie and say that was your proposal. But in the end, while you may be disappointed, what’s done is done. You can be mad or you can tell him that you would like a romantic occasion when he gives you the ring and get on with things.

Post # 10
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t be okay with this either. Although he’s framing it as “I just couldn’t wait any longer” (and maybe that’s true), it just wasn’t the best way to go about something that should be a serious gesture.

I was in a relationship where I was 100% certain this person wanted to marry me. He would say “I can’t wait to marry you” “I can’t wait to give you my last name” all the time. He then presented me with a band on one of our anniversaries, but not an engagement ring. I later realized it was more than likely a “shut me up” ring. He never proposed and I left after 5 years. 

Not exactly the same situation as yours, but I would take pause. Why the need for the placeholder ring if the engagement isn’t official?

Maybe when the new ring comes in you can talk to him about a do-over proposal. 

Post # 11
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My ex proposed to me with a surprise foreign holiday, a ring, and down on one knee.

My husband proposed spontaneously, with no ring. We also *might* have been in bed but I don’t tell people irl that bit. I love to know that he just couldn’t wait. 

On paper, the first must have been better right? It wasn’t. It felt like a show, put on to impress other people. It didn’t convince me that he wanted to marry me. And we later broke up (unrelated to the proposal). The fancy proposal didn’t say anything about the strength of our relationship. 

I can understand that you want to know where you stand though. I say, talk to him and make it official! The ring isn’t what makes you engaged. 

 

Post # 12
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

I’ve never been one for big proposals personally, though I can understand that preference for others. But I will say after being here on this site for a while, one thing that I think we’ve all seen far more often than we’d like are posters talking about a partner procrastinating on proposing, or needing to be convinced, or the worst kind I think, a partner punishing their girlfriend with “Well I was going to propose, but now that you’re bugging me, forget about it.” I see women posting about “When will he propose” after years and years with someone not interested in that kind of commitment. And I have to say after seeing such stories so many times, I really think you are overthinking this. You have someone who WANTS to marry you. Someone who just couldn’t resist, and who has since followed up demonstrating that he is indeed planning on getting you the ring you want, and truly appears to want to be engaged. He hasn’t told his friends likely for the same reason you are overthinking it and are leaving some of the details out with yours, it wasn’t the stereotypical engagment story and he’s embarrassed probably he can’t afford the ring yet. I hate that society puts pressure on all genders when it comes to this stuff, especially when it results in partners like you two feeling insecure when really you sound like you have a just lovely, solid, respectful relationship.

It wasn’t your dream, but it sounds lovely. And what you have is so much more important than the one ideal romantic scene. You have a romantic present and future. You have a real mutual relationship. And this site has taught me just how special that really is. 

Post # 13
Member
10806 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
secondtimer18 : 

is right in several ways, not the the least of which is that the ‘romantic’ proposal to the ex didn’t make them any happier in the final analysis did it? And for all you know she might have pushed and hinted and made it happen to suit her notions of what a proposal should be . However it happened, it is neither here nor there as far as you are concerned. It’s a pity in fact you even know the details, frankly l wouldn’t have asked about it or listened to an account of it. 

l think his proposal to you sounds fine, but then my own wasn’t  lt any fancier and we have been together decades now. The only thing that would worry me slightly even, is not ‘announcing’ it but l don’t see why you can’t do that yourself, it doesn’t have to be him. I’d just say upfront , ‘hey fi and l are engaged, this is my ring for now till we get a fancier one ‘ and accept the congratulations. Right now is probably THE most obvious time to not have gone ring shopping 

 If he wants  it kept quiet, that’s a different issue and needs discussion.

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curiouskitten :  

Post # 14
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

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curiouskitten :  

what savings actions (not words) did be take between the moment that (a) he proposed in bed and (b) when coronavirus changed his own personal financial security? 

The answer to that is your answer as to whether you should feel disappointed. 

Post # 15
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Totally understand how you’d feel disappointed at the way he went about things. But on the other hand a spontaneous proposal is super sweet and romantic too, he obviously is serious about settling down with you and just blurted it out as he “can’t wait” any longer. I even kind of understand him not wanting to tell his friends just yet – I guess for now because you don’t have a ring yet he doesn’t want to field all the awkward questions until he officially gets you the dream ring? But here I go back to your side and can see how his keeping friends in the dark about this feels more like a dig, since it feels like he doesn’t think you guys are officially engaged either and is at least feeling some reservations about the way he went about proposing to you.

Perhaps a good conversation is in order, so that you can clear the air with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe you’ll feel better after hearing his thought process about why he decided to handle everything the way he did. I doubt you have anything real to worry about (as in he likely doesn’t value the ex more than he values you), but it would still be healthy to talk things out with him and this is a chance for him to offer you some reassurances and redeem himself somewhat. And going forward, at least you guys can make the ring something more in line with what you had envisioned.

Good luck Bee!

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