confused with proposal, or am I overthinking it?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
26 posts
Newbee

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BuzzedBumblingBee :  I agree with this. Design the ring together and then ask him to propose properly aka romantically. 

Btw, if you’re ok with a non-diamond ring and don’t want to wait as long for him to save, consider a white saphire or a moissanite. I am getting my custom moissanite ring (from a jeweler) way cheaper: Harro oval dimaond cut 7x5mm ($400) and the ring (pic in my bio) for $1900-2500. Etsy has some GORGEOUS moissanite rings for anywhere between $300-2,000. I chose moissanite becuase it is cheaper, more brilliant, and 9.5 hardness.

Also, consider paying half of the ring. My fiance and I are splitting the cost because we already live together and split all bills. He was willing to pay for all of it, but I suggested paying half. 

Post # 32
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Backing up for a second, do you want to be married? I know that’s a kind of weird thing to ask, but you covered your feelings about the nature of the proposal itself but didn’t mention anything about how you feel towards being engaged and what you wanted and when. Is this a thing you wanted a long time, or is it a bit soon or late? Does he have a habit of underwhelming you or jumping the gun?  Is this proposal part of a pattern at all? It could be just that the gesture is off, but sometimes…when a thing you really wanted isn’t great it’s good to look at if its just the gap between expectation and reality or is that the thing you thought you wanted isn’t what you want.  I think there’s a real difference there, and that’s really just a question for you, but if you’re like “hmm…i feel very upset about this proposal….must be because it happened the wrong way….” make dead sure that it’s really the how and not the what.

Assuming that it is just that the proposal is underwhelming and this is your true love, I think there’s a way of reframing this that’s kind of perfect- to me it sounds like you have someone who is so excited to marry you he couldn’t keep it in, assured you it was real, but then knowing that you wanted the full gesture was willing to keep it secret until you got a ring, or wanted you to get to have input. Both spontaneous but also thoughful?

You also completely allowed to have a preference about what you want but I think there’s a lesson here that you do need to communicate it. There’s a trap here where the narrative is that a perfect proposal is one in which the dude is a mindreader and knows exactly what you want without you saying anything and then everyone applauds it online.

I think overall, thats a perfect recipe for everyone to end up disappointed with how things really happen.

It might make sense for you to have an honest chat about what you really want with your fiance, given that you can’t change the past.  Do you want to be public before you get the ring? do you want him to propose again? Do you want photos? Do you wish he’d said something more? Do you want to embrace the spontaneous imperfect thing that already happened and celebrate it? Be honest with your feelings- and its ok to have more than one. Also theres a lot of stories out there about real and imperfect proposals, maybe it would help to read more and know that real love and real romance is often unscripted and a bit rough around the edges. You only get one engagement period, but theres no real rule that you only get one proposal or one ring.

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